June 23, 2010

• I Kissed a Girl (in my dreams)

  I rarely remember my dreams the next morning. Sometimes I have quite vivid dreams which resonate for a while if I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I've had what I call "chapter dreams" where I can go back to bed and I'm in the same dream as before I woke up. Sometimes I revisit "places" I've been in other dreams. I even have a theory about where dreams come from. They are natural breaks in the cosmic consciousness of the Universal Mind, and sometimes the dreams we are having are not our own, but those of other denizens of the UM.

  Last night I had a dream in which I was walking along a roadway beachside right after moonrise. The full moon was brighter and larger than I'd ever seen it before, a harvest moon in the summer. I was accompanied on my walk by Cathy Davidson, the girl for whom I wrote 60 individual poems back in 1978 attempting to gain her love. (to no avail, as it turned out)

  Right before I woke up (and why it's still pretty vivid to me) Cathy turned to me and gave me a hint that she'd enjoy a kiss. We turned to each other and I reached up to her (she was a couple of inches taller than I, which was not a problem, but a turn on, esp. because of her long beautiful legs) We were the ages from when we knew each other in the dream, our late 20s. We began tentatively, but experienced a long, wonderful soul kiss.

  I'm still feeling that kiss this morning, even though I haven't really kissed anyone in about four or five years. (It's been that long since Liz and I were together!)

  You know, I don't really miss being in relationships, since I haven't been in that many long ones over my long life, but I do miss kissing. Not necessarily sex, mind you. I'd need pills in order to have sex. But I do miss kissing, especially what I used to call "the kiss that lasts forever". Back when I was wooing Cathy, we never really dated. She was going out with "boyfriend" at the time, and a lot of our conversations had to do with how he wasn't satisfying her sexually. Cathy and would have long "petting sessions" in the front seat of her car. I was "between cars" at the time, and since we both worked at the same retail establishment, she drove me home from work on those days when we both ended our shifts together.

  Even though the poetry I wrote her didn't pry her from "boyfriend's" influence, we did spend a lot of time kissing (and fondling). In my memory, and stoked by the dream I had last night, those kisses were the height of my life. I really felt good coupled with my Cathy in this way.

  I sometimes wonder if I will ever experience this feeling again. I could tell she was excited to be with me, and if not for the fact that I was a bit of a hedonist (and a big drunk) in those days, perhaps if I'd cleaned up my act a bit ( a lot) then we would have gotten together. I used to have one small photo of Cathy, one of those high school graduation pictures, but it got lost long ago. Now I only have the memory of her.

  Although last night, for a few moments, I saw her again, under the light of an incredibly unreal and dreamlike full moon, smiling at me as I approached her one more time, to feel the love of a grand soulkiss that lasted, if not forever, at least as long as memory and need made it last for me.

  I wonder if perhaps she felt it too, in her dreams, wherever she may be.

  The Story of Cathy is presented in Chapter 8 of My Sexual History: Cathy: The Second Love of My Life (reader discretion advised)

  Selections of (just some of) the Cathy Poems can be found HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.

  • 9:52 am
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