August 19, 2004

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  This morning (It's 3:54am as I write) I am calling in sick to work. Something I really don't like to do. Two of our "executives" are on vacation at the same time. There are over 10 more panels to test. I have two quotes to get out, and I'm now sitting at my desk writhing in pain, convinced that I'm going to take Judy, our Vice President's advice from yesterday, and stay home, stay still, and try to get over this the best I can. The panels belong to one of Judy's customers, but perhaps if the company finally realizes it is probably the physical strain of "torquing" these heavy switches that might have caused this problem I'm having, then I will eventually have to be spared this suffering. I did go into the doctor yesterday. Even though I have an HMO (the copayment is now $20.00 instead of $10.00 for an office visit, a 100% increase) I have had the same doctor since the early 90s. As a little aside, I can remember succinctly the time I went in to complain about the pain in my left leg, which resulted in many many doctor visits, from my GP, to a rheumatologist, to an orthopedic surgeon. No body knew "what was wrong", only that the hip had to be replaced, which is what happened, and why I now can predict weather changes and set off metal detectors at airports with my titanium hip replacement. I still don't know why they don't call it a "leg replacement" since the prosthesis extends almost all the way down to my knee. Same HMO. Same doctor, except now the pain is in my upper back, shoulder, and left arm. I was somewhat reticent to go in and see my doctor yesterday, even though the pain was so great I knew that I had to seek professional help for the problem. The prognosis this time: A pinched nerve. I was prescribed two medicines, 150mg Sulindac tablets, which are painkillers, and 350mg Carisoprodol, which is a muscle relaxant. They took about a half dozen X-Rays, and I am going to see a nerve specialist as soon as the insurance company okays the payment for the visit. The hip replacement would have cost me upwards of $25,000 in 1992, not including the three day hospital stay, or the physical therapy (I basically had to learn to walk, since my limp before the operation was so pronounced). I ended up paying about $600.00 out of pocket, which was the deductable for the insurance. I still have Blue Cross, but with all the hoopla regarding Health Care benefits costs going up (like the 100% increase in the copayment) I shudder to think what might happen this year if this is as serious as the pain makes me think it might be. I'm in the hole very deep regarding finances right now as it is.

  
  

  The pain medicine isn't working. I'm still smearing Sports Ice over my upper torso every couple of hours, and if I stay REAL STILL, then sometimes the pain gets bearable, although it doesn't go away. What's really weird is that my left hand still has a good grip, there doesn't seem to be any muscle pain, but the pain is far inside my left shoulder, back around behind my heart, and it goes from being dull and throbbing to sharp and unrelenting, and this happens when I move. I can't believe I actually tested panels yesterday, and told one of my co-workers that I'd be in pain whether or not I was at home or work, might as well try to work to keep my mind off the pain. Today, however, it hasn't gone away, even with the painkillers and muscle relaxers, so I think I am going to stay home. Actually, I don't have to "think" about it any more, as the little clock to the right of my screen tells me it's past when I have to get up usually (at 4am) and I have no great urge to go in and dress and get ready. I hurt too much.

  
  

  I've always said I have lived a charmed life, unaffected by the pain and suffering of others, and I still feel this way. My Poem Series, "The House Of Pain" began in the 70s, writing about my father, whose pain was finally silenced when he passed away in 1974. I know the reason I've been obsessing over my father recently is because his passing was exactly 30 years ago this past July. Visiting his graveside further increased my ruminations of his condition. I'd actually forgotten about the forklift accident I mentioned in my previous post until yesterday. I shall never forget our medicine cabinet, however, and the painkillers and I don't know what all which spilled from the shelves. Mom of course had a stroke in her early 50s, Dad had 13 heart attacks, and suffered from advanced arthritis as well. After my parents' death, my sister contracted uterine cancer, which has (thankfully) been benign for about 25 years. I don't know if my brother has suffered any physical problems in his middle age. Yesterday was his birthday, and he didn't call me, as he usually does. (Or else he did, and I was in bed, and my roommate (suffering from colon cancer himself) wouldn't have disturbed me knowing I'm in pain.

  
  

  We're a family that is familiar with this "House of Pain", and I still write poems in the series, the most recent of which, "No Vacancy in the House of Pain",  was posted here on this Xanga blog last month. I still consider myself lucky. I've been telling Cancerboy, my roommate, that he seems to be the poster boy for Chemotherapy, because after 10 or more treatments, he still has his hair, and is not getting sick, as sometimes happens. I pray the cancer leaves him after this ordeal. He will have to have a permanent "line" put in his arm for the needle insertions, because his "tracks" are causing problems when they give him the treatment.

  
  

  Well, I have to stop typing, and go lie down. The pain in my back is increasing, and causing me problems thinking, not to mention typing, as I did mention yesterday. I wanted to put up an image today, since I haven't in a while, and I chose a painting by Frida Kahlo, who suffered greatly for her art, having survived a bus crash when young, where a pole entered her back, and exited through her vagina. She put up permanent residence in the House Of Pain, and still created great art. I'm having great problems just standing up right now, and driving really messes me up. Oh well, God in his Grace will see to it that I'm healed, in time, as usual. I'm not worried. Just hurting.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 7:36 am
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