June 30, 2005


  • This entry contains the text of my essay "The Next Thirty Years" written in 2002, 2003, and 2004 for the AllThingsMike website, plus a "blog only" update for today. MFN


    10/27/02


    It always starts like this. I'm watching something on video, I can't concentrate on what I'm looking at, because I'm worlds away in thought about some stunning epiphany I'm having, so I set about to actually write an "essay" detailing my gifted ramblings, and fire up the computer, only to open an image or webpage authoring software, and then spend hours composing "graphics" instead of writing down my stellar observances for the benefit of others.
    That was the first paragraph. I made it. I'm writing. And, then, and here's the kicker. I've forgotten the point.
    Which, as I always like to point out, is the point.
    Something has to be said which connects the dots, puts everything into perspective, and unites the warring "tribes" of humanity. If this doesn't happen, then we're doomed. I see this clearly, and I have this now beautiful website, which, if ever visited, and investigated, would offer the visitor some knowledge and talent, and might, with the help of these "essays" share in the ultimate truth of humanity and join me in discouraging the apathy and hopelessness we see every minute of every day, even if it's only in the newspaper or on television.
    I'm astounded when I think of how my own life now seems notoriously wasted, and even when I do in these rare enough instances these days type a few random paragraphs into the word processer, those words never seem to be the ones which were in my thoughts, and they merely serve no purpose really, rather than as a plea to sanity, if not humanity's, then surely my own.
    I have called the section for which I'm feverishly penning this missive "The Next 30 Years." The title is that of a country song by Tim McGraw. The essay shall detail my sense of dread at becoming so disconnected by the same society I once saw fit to shun that now I am, as was onetime predicted, in mortal fear of becoming a big screen DVD renting hermit, content to watch video, and let my mind wander in wonderful ways, but being doomed, as I am now, to not being able to astound my page with these astounding feats of meaning which seem so meaningless.
    "The Next 30 Years" is a song about a guy who turned 30, and last year I attended the 30th "Class Reunion" of my highschool class. The big news for me, of course this year, is turning fifty years old. 50 is an astounding age to be able to get to, and I of course am thinking about my father's death at 54. and if I feel my life still feels relevant, if in fact it ever did. Have I accomplished my goals? Have I touched that one human soul? Did I matter? In my present state I feel as if, like Capra's "George Baily" in the film "It's A Wonderful Life",  I would be able to see the world as if I hadn't existed, it would probably be a better place.
    But one of my most often heard criticisms is that I "put myself down". My poor mother used to accuse me of having delusions of grandeur. Then she called me a genius, so as to confuse me.
    Well, now I have written a few thousand words and will end for now.


    02/09/03
    In the next thirty years, so the song goes, I shall probably have to straighten up and start eating right. I will move a little slower, hopefully won't need a replacement hip replacement at least in the somewhat near future, and will most probably feel pain, as if I haven't been feeling pain for most of the first fifty years.
    The year is slipping slowly, as the pages, such as this one, which shall chart the course of direction over the next thirty years, slowly appear, with first a few sentences, then updates, and meanings, and finally, a cohesive whole, a diagram of existence, a tome to trumpet the coming perfection, and to put my thoughts in place.
    As I finally come to grips with the words which shall hopefully teach, enlighten, and elucidate, I watch the world seemingly fall apart. I view destruction, threats, reprisals, bankruptcies, moral decay, lies, covert bullshit, and grieve for the state of mankind that he has let himself come to this. After the "Events of Sept. 11", when I wrote my poem, and created my composite, I thought perhaps this would be a beginning to the ultimate form my website would take. I ventured forth into the cyberspace, and I preached peace love and understanding, and nobody would listen. I was belittled and berated in message board after message board for questioning the blind rampant patiotism which replaced the nation's shock and horror. I still question, and it looks like the War On Terrorism is being waged on whomever the antichrist Bush sees fit to wage it upon. America the Beautiful might soon get an uncurable black eye.
    I worry, but then I sit back and stop thinking, and get back to watching the video. My existence, such as it is, now encompasses the "media room", my twentyfirst century audio video home movie theater. I watch the movie, in the dark, enjoying the art and the story, the literature and the philosophy.
    Existence is fleeting, it might seem.
    And perhaps we collectively will see the end of this one.
    As I ponder the next thirty years, I take stock of what I want to accomplish for the rest of humanity. I hope humanity reads, and learns, as I think I have, that he is failing the test he has been given. I hope to share my thoughts with you these next thirty years.


    06/06/03


    I want to take it easy and slow down, but the more I want to ponder and think, the more I think and ponder that I'm wasting time doing that, instead of "acting". Acting on what, I don't know? Impulses? Fear of Aging? PMS ?.Male Menopause? I keep thinking I won't finish. I won't be able to make the difference I always thought I would. I've got to make a concerted effort in the next thirty years to establish the guidelines, draw out the floor plan, and get on with life. Oh, that things would have been easier.


    And I'm lucky. Incredibly lucky. My operations so far have all been successes. I made a pact with myself, and, to tell the truth, with Pat, because I was living with her at the time, loved her, and wanted to please her, to "straighten myself up by the time I hit forty", and I accomplished that goal. That I know have thousands of dollars in credit card debt because I cleaned it up and was able to be sold credit too easily doesn't matter. What matters is that I did what I told myself I would do.


    For the next thirty years, I should make more of these pacts. One of them is to write more. The more I age, the more I think I know, and the less I seem to want to say. That is nothing but procrastination. If I wish to write, I shall write.


    The state of the world is deplorable. Perhaps I will be able to talk to someone about this. If only myself. And I should listen.


    01/10/04


    Another year passes, and promises made seem to get broken, but other promises show up in their stead. As I age, I tend to visit my doctor more often, in hopes to insure that my health doesn't fail as my parents did, causing me to be a little more careful than I used to in life. In the latter part of 2003, my doctor surprised me with the news that I had cholesterol levels which dictated a change in diet, and the change forces me to give up foods which I really enjoy. So barring an incredible turnaround in health, it seems the next thirty years will mean I can't enjoy eating fine meals as much as I used to, becuase now almost all dairy (cheese is a favorite, as are biscuits and gravy in the mornings) red meat, and egg yolks (there go my omelettes) is bad for my health. Instead of denying the condition, as I probably would have just a few years ago, I am following the diet, have established an exercise regimen, and feel healthier, at least. Now to cut down on the alcoholic beverages again, in order to lose weight in the all important beer belly, and perhaps I will not have to worry about biting the bullet at 54 as dad did, and I can, in fact, live at least another thirty years.


    Michael F. Nyiri
    poet, philosopher, fool







    The Present: 6/30/05


    At this rate, 30 years will be gone before I know it. I still have an incredible memory. (That my critics always tell me I "embellish" too much when reiterating the past is a moot point. I do remember what is "true" and what embellishments I've "added" over the years, sure I do.) As I look back on my youth, I realize that the short amount of time I existed on the earth "seemed" like a long time, and as a youth, I never really "looked" toward the "future", my own future, anyway. I was too "busy" "experiencing" the present, which was still "new and exciting". As the years passed, I had a longer past to contemplate, but it really wasn't until I hit 50 (in 2003) that I started to contemplate "how many years I have left". Now I am always frequently thinking about older people, and time seems more precious even as it seems to pass more quickly. Each day seems like a cookie cutter of the day before it, and as I have remarked so often in my poems, "days become weeks become years become decades". Thirty years is only "three" decades. In humanity's past, 30 years "was" a lifetime. I'm always joking that by the time 30 years pass, technology will have perfected memory recording and cloning, so that we will just be able to pop our memories into a younger version of ourselves so we will "continue to keep on ticking" forever.


    But will we want to? Aye, there's the question. I used to look at my hands and arms as I hit 30, 35, 40, 45, and marvel that I didn't seem to get any "wrinkles" like I would see on the arms and hands of others. Then at 50, I started to notice them, and now at only 52 I'm noticing "age spots" as well as the wrinkles. When young, my skin was a part of "me". Now it's a foreign substance that seems to be "hanging" from me. When my left eye started to "lose it's sight" I kept cleaning my glasses. I didn't for a minute think that "aging" was  causing me to get a cloudy haze over my vision. My opthamologist told me the cataract is "growing at an alarming rate" and I shall have surgery to remove it in a few months. The other day while exercising my "fast walk" three times around our business park, I noticed my left knee was in pain, and  wondered if I shall have to have a "knee replacement" on top of my hip replacement. At least modern technology allows me to keep having "replacements" for my "failing parts". A new hip, a new lens in my eye. (I'm only talking about body parts that fail, I'm not too vain, however, and never got a "hair transplant")


    Of course I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and this train of thought would be derailed pretty quickly. In the meantime, my goals are to enjoy each minute as if it were the last one I have. Each day is a beauty. Each conversation is to be remembered and coveted. Each friend is to be loved and honored.  It truly is "a wonderful life", and I'm glad I've been given the opportunity to stick around this long. The next 30 years will probably be even more wonderful. I raise my  glass in a toast to existence!

Comments (185)

  • :heartbeat: i couldn't predict what i did with the last thirty so i can't begin to predict what i'll do with the next 30... and my mom died at 34 years of age. i always assumed i would too. it never occurred to me that i would live past her age, and left me a bit sideswiped when it happened....:heartbeat:

  • JUst a quick note and I will be back to read! Yes I think I jumped in too deep! I was wanting to EXPAND my horizons a little. Get involved! But now I have started reading so many great sites that it is becoming overwhelming. It really is like an addiction. I read one and link to another and read that and link yet again. Its like going through the looking glass and being mirrored and getting lost.  Well maybe not that dramatic but I think you know what I mean.  But it is fun venturing out into uncharted waters. Must be careful though! Anyway got to go and so some mandane things and when I return I can relax and read.   Your welcome,it does become a small world in this Internet of blogs. Jus t have to remember not to get caught in the mire and get bogged down.     @-}-}-  K

  • We're of the same generation, Michael.  I'm 53, but in excellent shape, I guess.  No complaints.  Energy fine.  Low cholestrol.  Only 5 or so pounds above my the weight of my 20s.  But the skin, O, yes, that gets to me, the veins in my hands, the little spider veins on my legs, my eyelids, what I look like on the outside.  I don't feel that way inside at all.  I feel almost no different to 30 years ago, except I can't dance all night anymore, get winded more quickly.  But I sure look different!  People always thought I looked 10 years younger, but with all the financial stress of the last year, and not having the money to spend on dance or even the gym, I think I've aged incredibly.  But, then, they say we age in 7 year increments... looking much the same, then suddenly looking older... that's how I feel (& never mind those not-detailed digital photos, they don't show what is plain in real life...& maybe I pick the best of them anyway  -:) 

    I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, with diet and mental attitude... there's no reason at all why we shouldn't be half way through our lives.  Heck, at 90 we'll wonder what we were making all the fuss about at 50!

    *hugs xo

  • """looks like the War On Terrorism is being waged on whomever the antichrist Bush sees fit to wage it upon. America the Beautiful might soon get an uncurable black eye."""" One of many prophetic statement in your 03 statement.

  • Hey Michael,
    Your perspective is amazing. The subtle changes evident in these entries are really interesting. I hope America's black eye isn't incurable...
    Stacey

  • I remember, back in the 60's and 70's, I adopted a motto that was popular among my peers at the time, "Never trust anyone over 30". Well, needless to say, I haven't trusted myself since I turned 30 back in '82. I feel now like it would have been interesting to have recorded my life somehow, but I was never much for memories, preferring to concentrate on the here and now. After all, "Life is but a dream". Sadly, now, all my memories are very dream-like. This was a very thought provoking post.

  • I agree with vexations . I am worried about America. I really enjoyed reading this . No predictions .

    Peace and Love :)

  • The older one gets, the faster the years go. My baby is 8 months old & I wonder where the months went. He's growing too fast & my life is whizzing by....

    Faith

  • :sunny::sunny::sunny::sunny:Well I made it back! Reading all the comments too! I feel the same way. I look in the mirror and I see glimpses of my Mother. One never thinks of aging. But aging is creeping up and I see the results in that mirror. Infact I never liked mirrors. Funny! me with my looking glass theme.  I hate my friends home she has morrors everywhere. I sit and everywhere i face I see myself. Their family is vain I catch them eyeing themselves in their familar view. I just ignore and pretend the mirrors are not there. THirty years ,OMG, can I make another thirty years........

  • Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to sit back, and listen to you for hours and hours... telling me of your life, your history, your ideas, your old dreams, your new ones, your stories... you have such a way of capturing me, and taking me to another place, most of the time numerous ones all at once.

    This is going to be a bit short, cause I am exhausted, and unbelievably hung over... but I wanted to let you know that the living situation has been solved, and in a very pleasant way. I must email you soon.

    I also wanted to personally express my thanks to you, for your constant encouragement, and flattering praises... I took first place in the NFC polls... earning a permanant place on their list. I thank you for always taking the time to read me, and to give amazing feedback. You are priceless to me.

    Sita

  • Every time that I come to your site and read, I am in awe of the life you have lived, the words you use to describe it, and the outlook you have. Enjoy your weekend.:sunny:

  • RYC:

    Logically, you are correct, of course. And I am all about as little government dictating our lives as necessary. It was a rant, however, after seeing site after site with hateful things.

    You visited my site once before. I left a comment about the law people in Wisconsin were trying to get enacted making it legal to hunt cats. You visited my site on a day that I left an entry about my son's death and the acceptance after and wrote a beautiful poem in his honor.

  • Wishing you a Happy 4th of July weekend .

    Peace and Love :)

  • I know what you mean about getting derailed when you write. Keeping one's train of thought in line is so hard. I think that's because we are taught to think that experince is linear and thus words should be also. But if you recall your best writing, it probably happens when you lose the sense of time and words surpass linear juxtaposition. So we must tune out time and just feel and flow.

  • I love your essays.  The part about your mother accusing you of having delusions of grandeur, then telling you you're a genius, sounds exactly like the sort of parenting philosophy my own mother espoused. . .only in reverse.  My mother praised me to high heaven just until i started to believe her, and would then knock me flat with some caustic remark that would banish what little self-esteem had started to develop.  It's a swedish thing: thou shalt never think highly of oneself. 

    I'm inspired, after reading your wonderful entries, to try my own version of the next 30 years. 

    Wonderful personal essay, Michael.  Thanks for providing the link at my site.

    Callie

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