August 16, 2013

  • My Strangest Xanga Relationship

    If somebody paid me for it, I could probably call myself a "professional blogger". From my beginnings as a webmaster, way way, way back during the last decade of the last century, I have always "timestamped" each paragraph I posted online. I started 'internetting' late in life. I'm 60 as I write this latest in a long long line of blog entries, and the first words I ever posted to the internet, when I was 46 years old, were the words contained in a poem I wrote to celebrate the occasion. It was called "bornagain".

    Many of the countless essays I've essayed over the decades online propose that our "online lives" are essentially our legacies (or could and possibly should be). I cringe when a site on which I've meticulously laid out a virtual roadmap of my existence goes dark, because I have to dredge up those files and post them somewhere else. Since my first website began to light a personal beacon in cyberspace, I've nearly written my complete autobiography (and it's a long one, like this post is going to be). I've "published" serial "blognovels". I've posted hundreds of poems. (thousands if you count the ones I transcribed from the "pre internet age")

    During this time I've made lots of supposed "friends." Some I've met. A few I've loved. (And I've had sex with at least one, but I'm not telling.) As I age, and as the internet ages with me, it seems like younger generations don't create the "divide" we did back in the late 90s. (or earlier, if you're old enough to have had a home computer and "social networked" on the hypertext based internet which existed before the web in 1989.) To someone who has grown up with digital connections and online friends lists, there may be no difference between someone with whom one skypes daily and someone with whom one shares a walk to school in real life. With homeschooling becoming more widespread, and with universities establishing 'online' schools, there may even be a school of thought which supposes that interacting IRL may someday be moot.

    This is the story of the strangest relationship I have had on the Xanga blogging service, where my sporadic blog finally ended up in 2004. We begin in May of 2009 with a chatboard post. I'd just celebrated my 56th birthday, and my 5th Xangaversary was coming up at the end of the month. I rarely "used" the chatboard, sort of a cross between an Instant messenger and an email client. Xanga was experimenting with so many things back then in an attempt to stop users from migrating to MySpace that there seemed to be a quite nervous atmosphere around the blogsite, and lots of stuff would appear, disappear, reappear, and generally bamboozle both newbies and longtime bloggers like myself.

    "Hey Mike, I am glad to have you on my friends list. I saw you over on TheBigShowBlog where you were commenting on "dropping like flies." I am trying to build up a very intelligent readership for my Xanga which I have only been blogging for about a week, and you looked like a great person to touch base with.

    By the way, I have always thought that bald men are the sexiest of all." QueenLoonatic (not her real username)

    In those days, I was known for my long letter/comments which I littered among the posts in the Xangasphere. The message from QueenLoonatic intrigued me. She appealed to my intelligence, offered gratitude, asked for assistance, and sort of flirted for good measure. The message pushed a few of my buttons, and I visited her fledgeling blogsite, dropped a few comments, and began what at first seemed like a healthy, friendly, internet relationship.

    In time, we were not only visiting each other, but private messaging as well. I make a point not to "do chat". However, our interplay on the Xanga message service was quite vibrant, and became personal. She asked for adivce on a number of topics, always stoked my ego and fanned the flames of my boiling desires. She flirted shamelessly, both in messages and in her blog entries. We talked about depression, and opened up to each other. She would mention me in her blogposts, and I would reciprocate. We seemed to be good online buds. We were both in the same age group. She posted photos of herself, both older and recent. As do I. She kind of reminded me of my old girlfriend Pat, a gal I attempted to "save" when in a real life relationship back in the 90s, and with whom I was hopelessly in love (but which relationship, as I've written, became sort of a living hell till it finally ended). Queen and Pat even looked alike somewhat. I probably transfered a lot of my feelings for Pat to QueenLoonatic, and possibly should have seen the similarities as triggers, but I naively kept up appearances, and for a year or so, I actually thought perhaps QueenLoonatic and I may someday become an "item" and she might become one of those rare "online personalities" who would eventually show up in my real life.

    She lived a few states away from me, but blogged about plans to move to Southern California. I was pretty excited at this prospect. We messaged about meeting each other.

    By 2011, I wasn't blogging as regularly as I was in the years previously. I would go on long hiatuses. When I "met" QueenLoonatic I'd just purchased my home, and had just received my hip revision surgery, so blogging was low on my list of pursuits. However, I would sometimes "come back" to Xanga in a creative whirlwind, and create posts which would appeal to the community at large. I was constantly jesting with Dan over at TheTheologiansCafe, the most popular blog on Xanga, and I was friends and correspondents with many of the "Xangalebrites" of the day. It was a comment I lefr on a post on the popular TheBigShow's blog from which QueenLoonatic began her correspondence with me.

    Both mine and The Queen's posts were at opposite ends of the blogging spectrum as far as content, but she and I both shared one particular blogging trait. Our entries were long. Both of us could ramble. Some of her early comments on my blog entries would even state that she didn't read the whole thing. I posted, and still do post entries which dovetail with my other internet endeavors, usually of a creative nature. I also blog my memoirs. Queen would post long rambling entries containing humorous images she got from around the internet, interspersed with "commentary". We would joke about whose blog entries were longer. While I never concentrated on getting on "Top Blogs" all the time, because of my many hiatuses, the Queen seemed to be obsessed with this particular accolade. If I got a "Top Blog" entry, she loved it when her next post would become "Top Blog". Both of us liked to knock TheTheologiansCafe down a few pegs, as he was Top Dog of Top Blogs, and remained so until he left Xanga recently.

    After coming back from a hiatus, I'd find the Queen's entries to be a staple on Top Blogs. She finally accomplished what she wanted to do from the beginning, "build up a very intelligent readership" for her Xanga blog. While it might be argued that there are degrees of intelligence, she covered all the bases. Like a lot of Xangalebrities, she could brag about a friends list numbering hundreds if not thousands of users. Lots of bloggers respected her, and read her posts religiously. She never lacked for content. She was quite witty, very opinionated, and seemed willing to share much of her life.

    I should have seen some clues that all might not be completely right with this particular blogger, and that I may be setting myself up for a fall emotionally by being her friend. However, as the clues appeared, I may have just ignored them, as I also do in the real world when interacting with people. I tend to overlook faults, and concentrate on the positive aspects of humanity.

    Two interesting things happened during 2011. One time I clicked her username from a comment she'd left me, and was blocked from her site. This sort of came out of the blue. I messaged her. She claimed to be ignorant of the process. We caromed back and forth, but I couldn't "see" her site. She'd still leave me comments, but without being able to leave comments, I feet sort of "blogemasculated" and told her in a message that a block could only come from her computer. She claimed that she had been hacked. Then she "confided" to me that an old boyfriend of hers had been staying over and got jealous when he saw our messages. He had blocked me. After a while I was allowed back into her site, and things proceeded as usual.

    At about the same time, a new blogger appeared in the Xangasphere. He claimed to be homeless, with sporadic access to computers. He called himself OuthouseDog (not his real username.) As with most of my internet relationships, he first visited my blog, left a comment, and asked to be my friend. We kept up correspondence, and I read touching stories of an old relationship in which he was involved. He had a daughter, who blogged on Xanga as well. During those times when I was "active" on the service, I counted both QueenLoonatic and OuthouseDog as trusted friends. Sometimes the Queen would post a popular entry which would draw ire from others in the Xangasphere. During 2011 and early 2012, the core bloggers in the "Top Blogs" arena became like warring tribes. The "cliques" or "gangs" (not used derogatorily) of blogging friends in 2008-2010 became more like real "gangs" using words instead of bullets to make their points, and the years of the "comment wars" began on the front page of Xanga. TheTheologiansCafe's blog usually started these small skirmishes with some offhand "question" about a "topic du jour". Bloggers like QueenLoonatic would "weigh in" with an opinion. Others who shared her views would support her. Others would disagree, sometimes in not too freindly a manner. By far, the Queen was not the only one who participated in these "wars" but she was, at the time, possibly the most popular "Top blogger" behind TheTheologiansCafe.

    QueenLoonatic sometimes seemed to play both sides of the fence on some issues, although I am only surmising this, and not accusing said blogger of being anything except upfront and righteous in her opinions and viewpoints. Xanga's top blogs page was a bubbling cauldron of controversy, and the Queen liked to stir the pot. She would make and break friendships like they were simply kindling for her fires. When I would visit her, I sometimes had to go through five or six highly opinionated entries before I could find one on which I feld some common ground on which to comment. This blogger who told me she didn't know how to "block" or "unblock" somebody on the service was soon blocking and unblocking like crazy.

    After one hiatus, I returned to find QueenLoonatic and OuthouseDog claiming they were married. I was confused at this revelation. Perhaps they only recently found each other online and got into a relationship? Seems like they'd been married for years. They had a loving relationship. Now we can be whomever we want to be on the internet. At one time, there were dozens of "Miley Cyrus" blogs on Xanga when that celebrity first became famous. I had once surmised that the Queen was an outgoing vibrant, A-plus personality like me from the way she blogged. She messaged me that she was really quite shy, and intimidated "in real life". But the internet afforded her a "place" where she could overcome these fears. She flirted with me for years, and had even floated the possibility we would meet someday. It sort of flummoxed me that she was in a longtime relationship, her partner also blogged on Xanga, and never talked about her as a partner, and was similarly among my friends list. Could he have been the "old boyfriend" who had blocked me? Could the Queen herself have done so because of something I wrote, or some perceived emotion she received because of something she saw or some comment she read?

    Who can tell. I messaged her questioning why she never told me she was married. Her answer: "You didn't ask."

    In early 2012, another longtime Xanga friend of mine began to get popular in the "top blogs" page, and developed a following. I'd always perceived this person as a bit of a wallflower, not too social, like my roommate at the time, Joel (Cancerboy). Where Joel never used the internet, and seemed afraid of computers, GameBoy (not his real username) seemed to enjoy computing, was a bit of a geek, wrote prose and poetry, and was similarly opinionated, and his Xangexperience afforded him the opportunity to sort of come out of his shell. I think QueenLoonatic was much the same socially. I never could track a bead on OuthouseDog.

    GameBoy's confidence bloomed. He attended Xanga Meetups IRL and began to become more of an "active" member of the overall "top blogs" community. I really wasn't that active by this time. I always declare "my time" on Xanga was when I was heavily involved in participatory blogrings, like Featured Grownups, in 2005-2007. GameBoy decided to "call out" the Queen as someone who was two faced, played groups of Xangans against each other, and who would just block anyone with whom she disagreed. In time, as with all Xangacontroversies, two distinct "camps" appeared. And the war was fought in plain sight on the front page of Xanga.

    Both GameBoy and QueenLoonatic (and her husband OuthouseDog) regularly committed Xangacide, or just created new blogs alongside their existing ones, and each had a number of different similar usernames and blogs over the years. I never understood why bloggers do this. I guess I do from a sociological standpoint, but for me, blogs are our legacies, and it's best to just have the one, on which you can trace your digital life the longer you blog. That's why I've decided to pay for the privilege of blogging on Xanga, at least as long as it survives. (I still feel it's a ghost town now. That's why I'm writing this particular entry right now. I would NEVER have written this a year or so ago, right after QueenLoonatic disappeared for the last time, but I'm getting ahead of my story.)

    For some, blogs are merely a platform on which to stage quarrels and spiteful wars. Some bloggers seem to 'get off' on this.

    After a while, GameBoy and QueenLoonatic came as close to "beating each other up" online as I guess you can in cyberspace. As GameBoy's confidence increased, the Queen lost some of the sheen from her crown, and she began to exhibit the classic psychiatirc traits of a paranoid schizophrenic. When I first found her "real name" buried deep in one of the profile pages of her blog, and would begin my popular comment/letters by addressing her as such, she would tell me not to do so, as she didn't want anyone to know here real "identity." This sounded strange coming from someone who regularly blogged photos of herself, and who mentioned the towns in which she lived. Also another blogger always addressed her by her "real name" and she thought nothing about it. I granted her wish, until such time as she would mention her own name on her blogposts. QueenLoonatic had a "selective memory" (again a similarity she shared with my ex girlfriend Pat). Reality for her was what she perceived it to be at any given time. If that reality changed drastically over the next ten minutes, so be it. If you wanted to be encircled in her orbit, you played by her rules. Even if they didn't make sense to a sensible person.

    QueenLoonatic soon became obsessed about reading her name online, and this stoked GameBoy's ploy to "take her down." This was possibly the low point of Xanga, in my experience here, and my story of my strangest Xanga relationship is nearly over, as is QueenLoonatic's reign on top blogs. She committed Xangacide for the last time in mid 2012. She had a rollercoaster of a three year ride on the blogging service.

    The saddest exchange I think I ever saw on Xanga or on the internet in general was a comment exchange on a pulse between GameBoy and QueenLoonatic. GameBoy found out the Queen's personal information, and announced it on Xanga, since in her somewhat paranoid state, all she could think of in her waning days as a blogger was that everybody on the service was out to get her, and used her real name. GameBoy would just write her name, and she would tell him to stop. In a surrealistic display of over 300 comments between the two seemingly normal adults, it must have lasted for literally hours., amounting to a digital version of those old childhood taunts, where two kids disagree or otherwise keep stating "Did too" "Did not" ad infinitum.

    I kept off QueenLoonatic's blogsite. I made sure I didn't add any fuel to their quarrel. I've always attempted to be reasonable in my dealings with Xangans, and have boasted that I don't get involved in what was always called "Xanga Drama". I never liked soap operas on TV either. However, knowing two individuals who are tumbling from one comment section to another (kind of like the end of the Mel Brooks picture "Blazing Saddles" where the cast of the movie go from one soundstage to another, disturbing the other movies being made on the lot.) can get tedious, if each expects their "friends" to side with them in the ongoing war. I refused. I cautioned each of them, as I have cautioned others when similar comment bouts end up in the comments section of my own blog entries, that after three times, I'll just begin deleting the strings which don't have anything to do with my post, and eventually I will block the blogger.

    I never had to block QueenLoonatic. In fact, even after finding out she was married, and even when she was getting involved in Xanga drama, I was still hopefully surmising that i might visit her in the real world. I believe GameBoy still has an active blog. He really only goaded the poor girl, and wouldn't let up calling her by her real name. She threatened to sue him, to sue Xanga, to sue anyone on whose blog her name ended up. She enlisted other friends in her efforts. I received emails from them asking me to remove comments GameBoy had left, etc. It got to be a big mess. I really feared for QueenLoonatic's mental health. I wish her and OuthouseDog well. They both left Xanga eventually. And I've attempted to find out if she ever found a "home" on the internet again. Subsequent searches have proved fruitless.

    A relationship with QueenLoonatic is not the kind of relationship one soon forgets. I'll never forget her as she "was" when I first "met" her. A seemingly like minded "intelligent" person who desired exposure and friendship. She found both. But I think perhaps her skin wasn't as thick as the skins of some of we longtime bloggers, and her fall was deliriously painful to watch. Perhaps she should have done things differently, but perhaps she lacked the social skills inherent in blogging. Who knows? I don't think I'll ever find out.

    I've had dozens of strange relationships on the internet, and on Xanga in particular. This one stands out as the strangest. Here's to you, my QueenLoonatic, wherever you are. I hope you are in a much better place, and have found peace, and aren't as bothered by the bullying you suffered, and may have even instigated because of your "blogging style."

    sad

    (NOTE: I've changed the names of all bloggers mentioned except for TheTheologiansCafe. I'm leaving out the final chapter of this story, as it were, but will append it here as a sort of postscript. Right before the Queen commited Xangacide with her last remaining site, it has been said that she may have created another site. About the time she and GameBoy were really throwing the digital fisticuffs, I wrote one of my uplifting posts titled "What is Xanga: We are all Xanga" and borrowed snippets from the life of a recently deceased Xangan. I received a disparaging and frightfully negative comment (which usually never happens to me) accusing me of all sorts of terrible manipulative things. It REALLY upset me. GameBoy proposed that the comment came from QueenLoonatic in another quise. Logic still tells me it wasn't her. I never remember showing her any ire or ill tidings. I try to be reasonable to most folks, and don't like to burn bridges, either in real or online life. It may have been her, and if it were, she must have been laughing at me through our whole friendship, if she felt the way she did in her final comment. I made an attempt to visit the site, as I always do, to return a comment, but was blocked from the site. Sigh. MFN/ppf)

Comments (256)

  • Hi Mike. Briefly, marriages can occur Online. For instance, I have one girl in Facebook who has adopted me as her little nephew. She's from Vietnam and that's fine, she's a virtual relative to me now and often she gives me advice about what to do on things.

    People get married (and divorced) Online all the time. Some people get adopted, some people request to be adopted. I adopted a senior author in Writer's Cafe, where I'm at now, and I call him my Uncle, and I rely on him for down-to-earth advice regarding the site.

    As for posting personal information Online. It is a crime according to a private detective I was assigned a year ago for a persistent stalker. He said it is abetting to Identity Theft. You are an accessory to the crime and can be prosecuted and sentenced for this.

    Always have a screen-capture program handy to record incriminating evidence.

    As for differences in people and bloggers, it's all there. Some people launch out and attack others in posts on their sites, calling flaming, which obviously incite reprisal. Some blog about the state of affairs in the world, like well-known and likable Theo.

    Other bloggers write about their lives, their past, and where they are going now.

    Others still just quietly blog about the flowers in the field or the peaceful clouds in the sky, with plenty of beautiful landscape photographs they took themselves.

    It takes all kinds of people and - not too surprisingly - there are indeed all kinds. It's merely a matter of finding someone you like, comment on their work and writing, and go from there.

    ⌂ ≈

  • Wow. Quite an entry. I love how you changed the names to QueenLoonatic and OuthouseDog, but it's so obvious who they are. You may have missed it but it turned out that even though Dog was real, he didn't write any of his posts. Queen was writing those too. After all that drama, the real Dog opened a site and explained that he knew Queen was writing blogs pretending to be him with his approval. She would let him read the blogs she wrote while pretending to be him. And that other site that commented on your site was her too, even if you don't want to think it was.

  • @dw817 - 

    As for posting personal information Online.
    It is a crime according to a private detective I was assigned a year ago for a persistent stalker.

    The info was public info that was already on the internet. But it still shouldn't have been used the way it was against her. And as Mike pointed out, she mentioned her real name.

  • A lot of people have an overinflated sense of self importance, unlike me, whose sense of self importance is duly justified. .

    I sort of miss the Queen and her Dog. She did very often write with a relatively keen insight, if though a bit left sided.

  • Dear Mike,

    Like you, I was never involved with the drama.  I wouldn't even say that I was an impartial observer, because, quite frankly, I have a distaste for that kind of interaction.  But, that's just me.  I'm boring, and like my peaceful little part of this site.  I've met some incredible and genuine people here, and I've had the privilege of sharing joys, sadness, major and minor life events.  That's why I am here.  Same things that I've appreciated about you.  Whether it's News & Notes or a photoblog, I've enjoyed reading your entries and am grateful that I know you.  Thanks for that!
    Btw, whatever happened to Dan?  Is he Xangacided, too, or waiting for a comeback?  
    Take care,
    Monica

  • Some interesting insight here, Mike!

  • I was never as close to ...shall I say "her majesty?" as you were, but I do remember her writing insightful and funny blogs, and leaving insightful, helpful, supportive comments on my own rambling posts. But gradually she seemed to swing to the crazy side of the spectrum, first writing nothing but intense political posts in which she blasted anyone who disagreed with her, calling on others to attack the same person for disagreeing, time stamping "attack" posts, and hijacking comment threads on Other people's blogs that had nothing to do with her. I also wonder if she really did have some kind of mental breakdown, as paranoid schizophrenia and wild mood swings were certainly in evidence (not that I'm a psychiatrist, but I've seen my share of crazy people). I am glad the crazy person left Xanga, I wonder about the sane one, and I wonder if her real life has also gone off the rails.

    I always wonder what happens to those bloggers who fall into the wind like that.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcoweoZ6jpM

  • Very interesting post. I never knew the "Queen" when she was anything but nasty. The point at which I knew to leave her vicinity was when she wished that I got cancer and died. That is simply evil and perverse, even on the Internet. But I've only been here for about 2 years, and the biggest change I've seen is the whole Xanga 2.0 near-debacle (so far). In a couple of weeks, we will find out whether or not we have futures as Xangans!

  • I always tried to be kind to her and that was some feat because she hammered me often. My dad had similar issues as what hers seemed to be so I had compassion. You explained it all well.

  • She inspired one of my favorite posts, so I can't be too critical.

  • I've never been a particularly active blogger here, but I always enjoyed reading others' posts. She was one of my favorite Xangans here for a time - her posts made me laugh and got me thinking. 

    I took a break for a while, and came back just before crap hit the fan. That whole situation was definitely one of the most bizarre things I ever saw on Xanga. She had always seemed to be pretty opinionated and defensive, but she was acting like a completely different person, and a very disturbed one, at that. I stayed out of it, but I do remember trying to make a civil comment or two on her political posts she didn't agree with, and immediately getting blasted for it. Which I thought was kind of funny, considering that I tend to be a flaming liberal myself. Makes you wonder who she REALLY is. I hope her real life is more pleasant than the one she had here.

  • @Aloysius_son - @dw817 - @musterion99 - @shpadoinkle12 - @saintvi - @seedsower - @whyzat - @xplorrn - @leaflesstree-@slmret -@endlesssummer128 - - Everyone, I've been wanting to write this entry for a long time. It's not every day one witnesses the meltdown of a human being. I've got some other "tales of Strange relationships with Xangans". One deleted every long comment I left on her blog after I and Liz got together. (I think she was jealous). One used to praise and recommend all my posts, and then after I thanked them told me to "leave them alone." One singled out one sentence in a comment touching on about seven separate entries, misunderstood what I wrote to be a criticism, and then wrote a scathing attack blog about moi. Long ago (not on Xanga) someone in a writer's group I ran accused me of using "too many words they didn't understand!" This entry was carefully edited. I do know that QueenLoonatic (not her real username ) was in fact the one who disparaged my tribute blog to Stacey. (possibly the meanest thing she ever did, although reading some of these comments this morning, I had no idea. Wishing cancer on someone. Time stamping hate posts. Some people with "issues" spend entirely too much time on the internet, don't they?) I felt I had a "personal" connection, as I do with a lot of my readers, and I feel sorry for her, even as I cringe at her malicious mischief. I always try to be "reasonable" in my blogwriting. I wrote this with the thought in the back of my mind that hopefully if she ever read it, she wouldn't get too upset at what I write here. And perhaps understand that as SHE felt (or perhaps that was all a joke to her too, we'll never know perhaps) she was being bullied, she in fact brought the whole fiasco upon herself. She burned every bridge she ever crossed on this service. I don't know if any of you saw the "pulse" I write about. Literally 300 comments back and forth between the Queen and Gameboy. I remember thinking, "Get your stuff together, guys. Stop it. You're making fools of nobody but yourselves. Notice neither party is still actively blogging here. It might be weird to keep thanking people for making my entries go to top of top blogs in the current Xanga environment, but I do thank you. I was up there for a few moments this morning, and it felt just as good as it did back when the Queen and I jockeyed for position and tried to knock TheoDan off his roost back in 2010. MFN/ppf 

  • @baldmike2004 - I did read that pulse you were referring to. It was pretty crazy. I also wonder if Queen is blogging anywhere else. I would think she is since she really loved to blog.

  • In a word - weird!

  • Strange, indeed!
    Where ever she is...I really do hope she is well and happy!
    HUGS!!!

  • The xanga drama on the front page was a big reason why I took a 2-year hiatus. In addition to other things going on, it was just too stressful for me to be even near that kind of attitude. I only ever saw the bizarre and negative - part of what I ended up calling the "randy lollipop dog" which I've discussed sometimes. I'm so glad that you saw a little bit of something else - a real hurting person - but it was too hard for me to see. If Top Blogs was like it was in 2009-2010, I probably wouldn't have had the wherewithal to come back. 

  • It was Antisoccermom, wasn't it?

  • @baldmike2004 - stop using words that I don't know what they mean!

  • Hi..
    Just wanted to say.. Was  an interesting read... I  think if you have been online long enough you  come across all sorts...
    She  sounds like  she was lonely ( never  read her.. Just  your post here  about the whole debacle)
    I agree that  she is  somewhere... People who have a habit  don't  change...they  go  elsewhere... or  create a new personality  .. ( Chat name .. Whatever)
    Sometimes people  make mistakes and . the  net can  be  very  forgiving like that .. ( Ability  to be  "reborn") BUT people need to learn from the mistake and not do it again... wash rinse repeat is .. wearing to say  the least!

    My  2  cents on the matter..

    Huggs
    Jaz

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