April 2, 2009

• Depression: Self Analysis: A WayBack Post from 2005

  

  Banging My Head Against the Wall

  This entry was originally posted on September 12, 2005. It received 20 comments. Only three of those commenters are still "with me", so this will probably be "new" to most readers. Bear in mind that the assessment was made four years ago. I like to think I'm more stable nowadays. First are a couple of older poems, then the assessment of depression, and response to symptoms about depression and mania.

  ---

  "The Analyst"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  12/27/75 (22 years old)

  What was it like in 1967, he muses
  Saying, "Yes I was an analyst and
  They were my patients."
  Yes, I could look at people and
  Tell them, "This is what is wrong!"
  All through my short life I've been
  adjusting maladies for broken-hearted
  wisps desiring love - and I will
  prescribe large doses of hope
  and the wisps will blow away,
  because hope cannot retain them.
  Is it because of this, he asks himself,
  That I have slammed my casebook
  And why I say, "no, I cannot
  read you like a book," but all the
  time saying, "She loves me anyway."
  I cannot write poetry anymore - and
  I will idolize past efforts as they
  gather dust on my shelf.
  I cannot analyze people anymore -
  and yet I will say - she loves me -
  Poor thing.
  And poetry is a weapon if it speaks
  the truth.
  I laugh and say, "No I'm not in love,"
  And I will get questioning gazes
  from her eyes -
  Which I will turn away from -
  And what is it that I want
  from her?
  Ah, I am a scoundrel telling people
  oh, I cannot analyze while all the
  time I analyze with analytical precision
  She loves me
  She loves me not
  And my head is filled with all these
  thoughts and I can't express myself -
  And times are I think I'm going
  to explode.
  I am a painted canvas
  Which you will have to read
  And when you scratch the paint
  to find out if I'm a copy
  then you will either love me or hate me
  And I cannot tell you
  What will be the end result
  Because I am such a bad analyst
  when I try to analyze myself.

  
  "Raining In Depression"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  03/04/05 5:14 pm pst

  
  Couldn't put a finger on it
  Couldn't stab it in the back of pernicious ruin
  Couldn't realize the rationality as it leaked
  insidiously into my subconscious serenity

  Couldn't grasp solemn quietude
  When raging rivers of rapacious repugnance
  Rallied at the doors of doom, decrying despair
  And feeling comfortable there,
  for a second maybe

  Why does it hurt so bad, when it looks allright?
  Why do the secret demons hide from sight?
  What is this manic tearing slicing sound so tight?
  And what relieves the pressure on my soul?

  Wouldn't appreciate the circumstance
  Wouldn't let the sound of the dripping bother much
  Wouldn't realize the ruckus if it fell forthright
  into the muck of innocuous illogic

  Wouldn't grasp punitive pain
  When silent suggestions of peaceful pragmatism
  Pulls rabbits out of the hats of hatred
  And hiding in plain sight,
  While a tear streams down my cheek

  What is the reason for feeling this way?
  Why does the night ever croach on the day?
  Is Heaven laughing at the lives set in play?
  And what relieves the pressure on my soul?

   

   

  Banging My Head Against the Wall
  a  psychological self anaysis essay
  by Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
  9/8/05

  They say if you think you're crazy then you can't possibly be crazy. I've always admitted I was "goin' crazy". That is the title of my autobiography, after all. If I were to "self analyze" myself, and had to pick from the various "diseases" of which I read, I would probably say I am, if anything, "manic-depressive." Giddy highs, followed by deep depression, in a short amount of time. In the past few years, the term "manic-depressive" seems to be rapidly replaced by the term "bi-polar". I read so much about "bi-polar" kids and the various meds they have to take. I decided to take one of my "internet trips" through the subject. Since I've always said I was "manic-depressive" and to actually have found that this is a "brain disease" called bi-polar and that it is treated with drugs scares me, frankly. Then I read that some kids, diagnosed and prescribed with drugs like prozac, which my roommate Cancerboy used to take for depression, have committed suicide because of incorrect ingestion of the drug.  I know "meds" from my parents medicine cabinet, which I never wanted to emulate in my lifetime, and which, of course, as I get older, I am emulating, and besides the drugs filling up my medicine cabinet, they fill up the top of  my nightstand, and the top of my dresser. Each year brings more meds. And when I think of kids having to take medications, which, when incorrectly prescribed, or taken with other substances that don't mix too well, could be the cause of far greater damage than the disease for which they were prescribed, I get somewhat scared. I've never taken medication for depression. But I have "self analyzed" myself, and a doctor has never confirmed any "condition".
  Basically, sometimes doctors prescribe poison to battle disease sometimes, for instance, when one goes in for chemotherapy, the body is almost killed in order to destroy the cancer cells. Sometimes the treatment is the cure, and sometimes it doesn't work. Kids committing suicide because of taking drugs their doctor prescribed so that they don't get depressed enough to commit suicide is, frankly, insane. Who is in charge of the asylum here? There are "good doctors" and "bad doctors" however, and I'm sure the media overstates the negative as usual.  In the interest of science, I thought I would take a "survey" or answer a "questionnaire" I found on the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) site. I don't want to be bandying about medical terms on the internet without at first knowing exactly what they mean. What follows is the NIMH "signs and symptoms" of manic-depression. At work when I have been called into the office by my boss after a "head banging" episode. (I sometimes try to hurt myself, it's not pretty) I am always asked if I think I need help. I maintain (usually through a sheet of tears and sobbing) that I don't. I don't need to talk to anyone specifically about this condition, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when I'm happy, I'm delirious. When I feel bad, I just have to try to direct my own energy in more positve manner. I have been told that I'm a "lot better now" by the same people who thought I should be committed, so I'm gaining ground.
  So here we go. I'm going to be completely honest about this, as usual in these entries.

  
  1. Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
   Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
  I have a need for "completeness" balanced precariously with a need to pile more on my plate, until I can't possibly finish anything. Sometimes I seem to thrive more in the most unstable and anarchic conditions, and in times of seeming complacency, I will become exponentially restless.
   Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
  When I'm up, everyone knows it. Exhuberance is catching, and I have always fed on good times. That the apex of excitement fueled by these times might send me spiralling deep into depressiion is moot I guess, because the better the euphoria, the better the time remembered.
   Extreme irritability
  I almost fell off my chair at this one. I'm famous for my irratibility. From early in my childhood, my mother would tell anyone that would listen that I was sheer hell to live with when I was sick. As soon as I came down with a cold, Mother would "quarantine" me in my bedroom, which my brother would usually have to exit for the few nights I remained sick. I am always being told to "calm down" at work. I strive for perfection, and even though I know perfection doesn't exist, I still aim for it in all aspects of my life. I can't stand stupidity, and I am quick to point out mistakes when they happen. When I make them, I flog myself with anger and criticism.
   Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
  Duh.
   Distractibility, can't concentrate well
  What did you say? I am not really easily distracted from my train of thought, although it has been known to leave the tracks on numerous occasions.
   Little sleep needed
  It's funny. In retail management, one always has to have a malleable schedule. I used to close down the store at 11:30 pm or midnight, and have to open it again at 5am the next morning. When I was getting back into retail in the early 80s after losing my position when Fed Mart went out of business,  it was difficult finding work. After managing the seasonal Christmas tree lot at Gemco in Culver City, I went on the night crew stocking shelves and building displays. Because this wasn't full time, I also had to work a replacement shift for day workers in order to get enough money to pay my bills. I got to where I could sleep only three or four hours, then work another 8 or 10 hours with no problem. I've also taken lots of crystal meth in my lifetime, and gobbled whites like they were candy.
   Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
  I wouldn't say they were "unrealistic".
   Poor judgment
  Now this one is probably a matter of degree of interpretation. I really don't make too many mistakes now. If you had asked me that questioin when I was 21 I might tell you a far different story. I believe wisdom comes with age, and would like to think my judgement is pretty sound at 52.
   Spending sprees
  I owe over 30 grand in credit card debt and I'm single and make a good salary. Tell you anything?
   A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
  My mood swings don't last too long. I can usually moderate my "behavior". If I see myself tipping in one direction, I try to tip it back the other way by sheer force of brainpower.
   Increased sexual drive
  I'll get back to you on that one.
   Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
  You know, I never liked downers or "downer people". See, they always brought me down. But I've used a good amount of "the white powder", crystal meth, and acid in my day. But even though I don't condone drug use in the least, my adventures were always sort of fun, and I wouldn't have lived my life any other way. I did have quite a problem with alcohol, but I don't consider myself alcoholic. (Or "addicted" to drugs, either) 
   Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
  People usually tell me I'm nice, and have all my life, until I can't take it anymore. You know what I mean? I start to get really irritated at them and I just feel like ki....oops, er, sorry. No, I wouldn't say I'm provocative or intrusive in any way. I always love to sign real long letters "thanks for listening." I have been known to be so aggressive at work I almost got punched once, but the guy knew he'd get fired immediately. One of the "perks'" of being the boss.
   Denial that anything is wrong
  I guess since I've been admitting to myself that I have this condition probably means that I self diagnosed myself early in life and decided to cure myself as well. And I'm always "on the way to recovery". Nothing stops depression though, when it rears it's ugly head.
   A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four  additional symptoms must be present.

  I won't "count them up". But this was rather interesting. Sort of like those "blogthing questionnaire" only serious. I injected a little levity here and there. Next up, is Depression.

  2. Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
   Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
  Frequently. I sometimes skip a day, but I usually have a period of depression which sometimes lasts up to two hours at least once a day. I can be set off by a song, a word, the sight of a dead cat in the middle of the road, witnessing an argument or insincerity being practiced by my fellow man, even good times and great feelings can set off my depression, which is ruthless.
   Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
  I penned the term "optimistic pessimism". I'm 100 percent optimistic that I'm going to feel bad at some point. I accept this. It's a part of me. I try now, with the benefits provided by the perspective of age, to channel these feelings into something more positive. I procalimed years ago that I wouldn't bring up a child in a world I couldn't explain to him, as I felt the hopelessness instead of the promise of having progeny.
   Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  I have never gotten over the fact that I turned my back on my mother, preferring to think of her as a vegetable and leaving her to live three years and die without me by her side. At work, I will blame myself for all mistakes that are made by my department, no, in fact in the whole building, even if I didn't make them.  I feel helpless at times, but I learn to live with it.
   Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
  I think this perhaps is the kernal of a cure for me, because not only do I enjoy every activity I have always enjoyed, but I enjoy new adventures and activities, and want to learn something new every day.
   Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
  This happens, but with less frequency as I age. You have to "slow down" at some point.
   Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
  These symptoms haven't worked themselves into my life so far. I have always made quick decisions, and I stand by them. I have the memory of an elephant, even if I tend to "embellish" my 'stories" for "dramatic intent" at times. I can concentrate when I put my mind to it, and I have no problem multitasking. I'm also the most organized person in the world, and am apt to get mad at you if you lose your keys around me, which I think is really stupid.
   Restlessness or irritability
  I've never known patience, if that' s what you mean. See the "manic" seciton for irritability.
   Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
  I suffer from insomnia, and used to have to get up on my hands and knees when a child and "rock" myself to sleep. I used to have little "rituals' that I had to perform, but we'll have to deal with obsessive compulive disorder in another post.
   Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
  My appetite is voracious. I rarely lose it. I gain a lot of weight, and lose it again because of dieting, not because of any anorexic episode.
   Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
  Stress can cause a lot of pain.
   Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
  I started to quaff my "suicidal tendencies" by writing about them heavily starting when I turned 14. I also studied psychology and began to "analyze" my friends and foes. I have been trying to explain death to myself all my life, and think I found the answer during an epiphany early in college. I feel that people who take their lives early are cheating themselves of great beauty and wonder, no matter how bad they might feel, and wish to spread this message.
   A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

  Again, I won't "count them up". But this doesn't change my definition of the term "manic-depressive" either. I never felt I needed medication for the condition. I only need honest feedback and communication with my friends, and with myself. I turn inward and look to memory and perception to give me glimpses into the beauty of existence, and I try to write about it in order to help others know that everything might not be all right. It wasn't meant to. The wise know how to look though the pain into the pleasure, and to look through the sadness into the glee. To understand and to embrace the difference. And to carry on, love his fellow man, and attempt to thank him for being there in times of need.

  • 9:57 am
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