December 31, 2005

• My Life In Words: The Poems For the New Year

  Since 1974, I have followed a "tradition" of writing a "Poem for the New Year" at the beginning of each year. I've missed some years, and during some years, I wrote the poem as far as three months into the annum, but for the most part I have taken pen to paper, or keyboard to word processor, and composed some of my "New Year's Observations" right as the calendar turns. Some of my previous efforts are below, followed by the latest, penned just moments ago on this Dec. 31st.  PFTNY75 is a new transcription. I have not featured this particular poem, the second in the series, online as of yet. It was written six months after my father had passed away. By 1978, when I wrote PFTNY78, I was sprialing downhill again, after a brief upswing. By 1980, with PFTNY80, I was hitting bottom. PFTNY83 was written after I had quit drinking, and was feeling rebirth and regeneration. PFTNY95 was written as I was about to break up with Pat, with whom I had lived for the previous three years. When I found out she was cheating later in the year, I left her. I also include last year's poem, posted first on this very blog in 2005, and my most recent effort is the last one presented. A lot of readers have been overwhelmed at these Poetry Posts, simply because of their length. I make no apologies, however. The poems exist, and chart my life, and I always want to share as much as I can. I also don't try to repeat too many of the poems I posted last year at this time. Others enjoy these trips down memory lane in one man's life.

   

  "Poem for the New Year 1975"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © January 14, 1975 1:30pm (written in front of Founder's Hall on the USC campus)

  I am filled with large visions of hope,
  My friend, which cannot leave me woe.
  In happiness delight, I see,
  This beauty calms me so.
  In times passed by I questioned so
  I knew not where I stood
  And now I've found just where to go
  Where life now feels so good.

  My mind was filled once, to the top
  With uncertainties and fear
  Wherever I looked, I tried so hard,
  The troubles in life to bear.
  Through time with pain fraught
  And suicide thoughts
  I was told, but refused to hear
  The wondrous beauty of Christ,
  Our Lord
  And today it's all so clear.

  My life's been a dream, and I just woke up.
  My mind has been poisoned
  I threw out the cup.
  Being Christian is thought food
  I've only begun to sup
  And I don't have to worry
  E'en if death interrupt.

  The plan for life is here,
  My friend, and it has been all this time.
  And I've finally found the light,
  As they say, when I cleaned away the grime
  That was covering up my understanding
  Clouding peace and hope
  Falsifying rapture
  With false dreams of 'booze' and 'dope'.

  Now I'm not like last year
  And nostalgia brings me pain
  Now my smiles are real
  And my mind holds not a stain.

  I was never happy
  I was sad and lost, alone,
  But with the help of Jesus
  My faith in life has grown.

   

  "Poem for the New Year 1978"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © November 6, 1977

  
  The dreams we held so dear
  Were real once, this I swear
  I could look ahead and see
  What the future held for me.
  I would don my graduation robes
  And reach out for diplomas.
  But in six short years
  I lost my hopes
  With crazy times and blackout comas.

  Downfall - there, It's a tough word
  to write. I don't like to
  think about it - I don't like to
  talk about it.
  I bravely face the next panels
  In our comic-strip of reality
  But I can't read the whitewashed
  Balloons beyond the next line.

  Downfall - here we go again.
  It isn't an end to those long-ago
  Hopes
  That we so gravely wish'd
  Would happen...No
  It was the farthest thing
  From our mind.

  But maybe it was all so easy then
  A problem was whether or not
  You'd be able to make it to
  The FOOTBALL GAME
  Not whether or not
  You knew where your next meal came from

  Before the Poetry stopped
  Before I ceased to function.
  Causes?
  Reasons?

  In my CHRISTIANITY period, I
  Remember I said I was losing the
  Problems, and so I was losing the
  urge to be problematical in poetry.

  This, of course, is not true.

  What is the truth -
     HA
     truth -
  Searching, always searching
   the escapable truths,
  They were always disappearing
  Around the next corner.
   And I would trip on the sidewalk

  They're all gone now, those truths.

  Where is the program?
  I can't tell the players.
  The intermission is almost over.
  And it was played for laughs.

  Now those hopes we once held so dear
  Disappear as quickly as the seventh beer.
  They just disappear.
  Then there is no fear
  And I shed a tear.

  And wait for Act Three.
  If this is a comedy it
  Has a happy ending -
  It has to.

   

  "Poem for the New Year 1980"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © January 27, 1980 7:30 a.m.

  
  onramp to the "freeway to nowhere"
       =finding meaning in the moment=
  Unremembered moments
       Under the influence under the gun under the bed
       Understanding later the implications
       of earlier misunderstandings
  The door ajar- the music off-
       the money gone
  last week I broke my highschool      picture
       on a drunk- but do not remember why
       not even now
  I threatened someone with a knife
  and this after not drinking for      two weeks
  Hello 1980
       Hello significance
       I'll change
       I'm positive this time
       My love is close this time
       I feel it
       (As I have before)
       I really feel it
       (But it wasn't real)
       I really feel it

   

  "Poem for the New Year 1983"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © December 30, 1982 1:30 p.m.

  
  Let's settle back, rejoice;

    remember.

  Wreck no subtle reveries tonight.
  Let us lock our liquid eyes
  Search for substance;
    whisper sighs.
  And think of pure emotions in their flight.

  
  Let's turn the box off

    cut the timber.

  Try to talk but move no tender lips.
  Let us live for moment's miracles
  Mine our caverns

    cast the shackles

  Read each other with our fingertips.

  
  May we learn, to love

    a little.

  Wreck no soft scenarios tonight.

  May we meander for a minute

  Find our fullest

    interests in it.

  Share the secret stories in our sight.

   

  "Poem For the New Year 1995"
  Michael F. Nyiri
  © January 11, 1995 4:51 pm pst

  
   I write of the pain and the sadness  
   The missed moments  
   And moments missing you.  
   The quivering shyness  
   The frown and the shudder  
   And times I only dream about
      
  We used to talk of being happy
  We used to act happy
  you told me so
  So
  I wasn't happy and now it's hard to
  be happy again.
  Was I indeed happy?
  Can I be happy again?
  At times the poetry proclaims its positiveness
  It's very reason for being.
  But most times nowadays the poerty is gone
  Words are few
  Creatively fleeting
  I write with a promise
  Never to give up.
  On enyone else or you
  And I want you to think that I
  Am so strong I will wait forever
  For the right feeling.
  Oh how I want that feeling with you.
  Oh how I needed it
  Never asked for it
  Lost it without knowing what it was.
  We haven't connected yet but I bet
  Connection is possible
  Love grows
  A thing that isn;t thrown away still exists
  I will try to rekindle the fire
  The cold weather will try to douse

  I write with a prediction
  After love is directed at another
  And another's love is directed at another
  A love lost or misplaced can be found
  And a love which wasn't much
  can be renewed and strengthened
  We never hurt so much as when
  We love the ones we hurt
  And then it hurts to love

  I have loved all
  The bearded homeless, the suffering arthritic,
  the redheaded cheerleader, and the innocent child.
  I cared, I touched, I loved
  Then I felt cheated
  And I lost my care
  Didn't care to touch
   And
   Loved
   No one
       No One couldn't give me any love.
       Then I loved you
       No one couldn't make me give you up
       And in 1995 I write of the happiness.
       The happiness I feel, like now, when
       alone and reflective
       The happiness I felt from you today
       The happiness I feel will soon
       come to us
       A love renewed
       I'm still here, like always
       Because I need that love, and the love
       I dreamed about.

   

  "Poem for the New Year 2005"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © Sunday, January 16, 7:50 a.m. pst

  Reading my life like a tattered book of dreams, missing fragments overwhelm, intensify it seems
  Another year, another tear, shed till the tears won't come, and if you read between the lines, the story won't be done.
  The lines on the page, seldom mellow with age, and the mirror shows blotches and creases
  Another old song, this one won't last as long, and the memory trails till it ceases

  I begin with a message, replayed in my head, undermining happiness, a portent of past dread
  Alone arrival, another revival, resilient, repeated rewound, and when the mouth will open wide, out comes not a sound
  Calamity and destruction are the daily interruption, and the meaning gets lost in the weather
  One life comprehends, as realization descends, that understanding is the region of nether

  With misdirection sublime in the extreme, I stumble towards tomorrow as if in a waking dream
  Another year, another fear, falls till the brave mind wanders, and as the mind begins to fade, a fleeting sense of wonder
  Will underwhelm reasons, that pass with the seasons, feeling restless and littered with doubt
  The soul finds it's voice, it just won't have a choice, the cry starts as a silent soft shout

  Reviewing my year as a battered look at life, pages in the dust, and mirrors pointing at past strife
  The thoughts coalesce, less or more, more or less, and sometimes thoughts spill out with ease, a hopeful sweet caress
  The lines intertwine, and they're failing to rhyme, but the mindthoughts are fertile and bursting
  Another year passes, fleeting, faster, and fastest, I'm never sated for lack of the thirsting

   

  "Poem For the New Year 2006"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © December 31, 2005 8:48 a.m. pst

  I can clearly remember when yesterday held the promise of tomorrow,
  And dreams were little more than hopes wrapped up in sorrow
  The plan for life was written in the books of life
  And chapters torn from bindings were the answers to harsh strife
  I can clearly observe when the nightmares started appearing
  When love and gracious living turned to fright and fearing
  I locked the door to dismal doom and proclaimed love was ample
  Yet looking over dusty dreams I cannot seem to find the sample
  As each year dawns, the wrinkles show
  Up clearer than sled tracks in snow
  And mirrors stopped being friendly icons
  But as years multiply let there be pleasant bygones
  I face the unopened calendar with hope and substance
  Opening the shrinkwrap on tomorrow from a distance
  And in a week or two tomorrow becomes yesterday
  And only memory's understanding shows it's hand in play
  I write again my poem for the new year
  Attempting to carve in stone a callout to my muse and seer
  I stand naked to serendipity and fate, my friends and foes
  And will see, as usual what this coming year shirks and shows
  I resolve to pay attention to what is said and what is thought
  I maintain that I will enjoy the things I have through lost time wrought
  Again the minute hand of hollow substance rounds the curve
  And out of harm's way I hope my steady hand will swerve
  I give a thousand thanks for life and hope, and dreams and love
  For fateful fallow fickleness and God throughout and above
  I stand on the mountaintop of experience and haven't fallen yet
  I said so many years ago I knew not what in life was set
  And here half a century and a few years hence in life's whirlwind
  I don't believe I've spent the time or sent all good will that I could send
  So I turn another corner and I greet the day with a smile
  And will not worry that what I don't understand might upset me for a while
  The tears will never stop falling on my cheek I fear,
  And tomorrow and tomorrow I will again survive another year.

  The plan for life has not been set in solid stone, of this I know
  And when my simple life has ended, let my thanks for this existence clearly show

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