October 5, 2005
-
An UNSENT LETTER to PAT
I received an interesting comment on yesterday's entry, the second "chapter" of my relationship with Pat, from the early 90s. The "comment" is below, and I will "answer" this comment by posting a letter I wrote but did not give Pat after six months of our relationship. The comment asks why Pat had "all the power". When I fall in love, I fall in love completely. I've had many relationships, as I have been detailing in the "My Sexual History" series. My relationship with Pat lasted the longest, and I invested a lot of myself in her life, in order to make her a home. The "power" she had was the power of my deep respect and love for her, even though she was a bit crazy. We still are in touch with each other, even after over a decade being "apart". I repeat, I never sent the letter with which I will "answer" the comment. I wrote it six months into our relationship. Jeri, who wrote the comment, seems to think that my recounting of the events of my first year with pat were a bit dispassionate, or as she puts it "it's all accounted matter of factly. " I hope you find the "emotion" for which you were looking in the body of this letter. These events happened a long time ago. I never shy away from "telling the truth", and hopefully this letter will shed more light on what I was feeling at the time. I frequently feature the "Pat Poems", a series of poems I wrote for Pat during our relationship, in "ElectricPoetry" entries here on WhenWordsCollide. You can find the complete series of poetry in the 1990s section of my website in the years 1992-1995. MFN 10/5/05
COMMENT FROM YESTERDAY's POST.
you know what i find missing from this... the introspection in to why you were able to let her destroy you like that? it's all accounted matter of factly - as if one should expect to be treated this way in a relationship. why did she have all the power? where were you emotionally that you gave up so much for so little? i know those are deeply personal ?s and it's ok if you don't respond.
Posted 10/4/2005 at 7:05 AM by jerjonji - delete - block user
The unsent letter:
6-21-92
Pat;
I've been hoping I didn't have to write this, and since I've been thinking of it for a few weeks, I feel I have to, especially in light of what happened this morning. Now as I write I hope you never have to read this, but I feel a powerful rift separating us, (If' we've ever been together) and I've got to get it off my chest.
I know you don't love me. I know you feel like I'm "like all other men." and I know you give your emotion to me only when you feel like it. What you don't realize is that since I and you became lovers I've changed my whole life around to try to be what you wanted me to be. That you don't communicate anything very well has caused me a great deal of soul searching in what exactly I should do with my life regarding you. At times I feel very happy. Most times I feel miserable. I feel trapped. I feel confused. And believe me I've never felt confused about anything.
Since you came into my life, I even feel I can't communicate very well. I feel I'd be much better off the way things were when I was at Bob's, but then there are other times when you make me incredibly happy. My doubts are that you're just playing a game with me!
I was very happy at Bob's, and in my single apt.'s,, before I moved in with Bob. I love movies, friends, drinking beer, playing music, going out to eat, etc. The only thing missing was female companionship. After last Christmas, I felt like all my dreams came true. At first I felt that everything was tied up in sex. I lived and breathed sex with you. I'm sure that's because I hadn't had sex in a very long time, and because you acted very sexy around me. You also acted compassionate and friendly. For a month or so I felt everything was perfect. I went out to eat with you. I slept with you. I met and enjoyed Laura and Charlie. Hell, you even watched videos with me. Even though I knew we didn't have much in common, I felt we could make a good couple. I'd give a little. You'd give a little, and everything would work out okay in the end.
The first thing that went wrong is that you asked me to move in with you. When we were looking for apts. or houses and I was still with Bob I was happy. I had time to myself but I chose to spend a lot of time with you. My friends said I was getting in too deep, that I didn't really know you. That I'd regret moving out. Maybe If we'd found that apt. or house, but we didn't and then I moved in with you. I haven't felt good about anything really since. At first when I'd turn on a video or talk about magazines or anything I liked to do, you'd freak. You'd storm out of the room. You'd get incredibly angry. In time I stopped even being interested in things I cared about. I started enjoying the fact that I had your companionship. At least I had you. But then you started changing. Maybe you weren't even changing. Maybe the act had ended. The sex became routine. I never even have very much fun having sex with you anymore. It's as if we just tolerate each other. I've completely given myself over to your interests, and sometimes I get bored silly. Going ot to racetracks and losing money four days in a row is not fun to me. Especially when you get moody and upset if you don't win.
Our quarrels are monumental and they're never about anything. The time I didn't watch your purse in the bar was a big mistake for me, but that was the end of one of those days when you locked me out of the bedroom and got upset about something or other. When I really think hard about it, I really feel you regret having asked me to move in with you. I want to treat our relationship as just that , and now six months down the road I think you would be better off being alone, free to go to the bars and free to see other people. I think you feel bad that I moved in so easily. I don't think you want a relationship with me at all! What's really funny in a sad way is that I feel I'd be better off back the way things were when I lived with Bob. I don't mind that you are the way you are, but I really miss my friends and my interests. That you don't even care to share in my interests hurts me deeply.
People can and do change. I changed for you. But I don't ever feel we're close anymore. When you used to call me "My Michael" and talk about sneaking out of work for sex was great for me. When that stopped, my interest in the relationship stopped. After you "confessed" to me on Bob's lawn that you had gone out to make love to another man at lunch one day, you hurt me deeply. I was ready to leave then, and I regret that I didn't. I don't know why I'm hanging on!
The other day in the middle of playing cards, you grabbed a sheet of paper and started scribbling another of your lists. Each time you've gotten drunk in the last couple of weeks you've been extremely mean to me. You even mention it! I think you want out of our relationship and are afraid of talking to me about it. Of course I don't know this for sure.
Why were you "cranky" last night? Why did you get so mad at me today? You hurt my feelings you know! I'm human. I do have feelings. Then you didn't even ask me to go to lunch. What's happening? Tell me the truth! I can leave you very easily. I'll hurt a lot but I'm hurting now. I do have a place to go, you know. I can be out of your life in a shot. Then you'll be free to do whatever you want.
You're tearing me apart!
Michael
Comments (33)
That's a pretty strong letter....
only in time can we distance ourselves so from the emotional whirlwind and write it like our past self is a fictional character. in time, perhaps i'll be able to look back on the characters from my past through the same lens, free from desperation.
ryc - and for being the first to respond, you get 2 e-props.
With all my travellings i've lost all the unsent letters...but a lot of girls STILL got the ones i sent:eek:
As for GW....you really don't have to go to the Onion to find bizarre stories...comedians haven't had such a rich source of material since Gerald Ford:fun:
you know another person that has those type of dreams. i do it too. i also have series dreams. where i'll dream about the same type of things for weeks at a time. like dinosaurs or pizza or something silly like that. well my sexual history is a mixed up pot of poop. sometimes i feel rather apathetic towards it and other times it's a heated battle in my mind.
Jen sounds like someone who's never truly been in love to understand the sacrfices made. The ability to leave yourself so open and so vulnerable, that sense of trust in handing someone the knife and "knowing" they'll never use it. Unfortunately, there are those that will.
Brave letter. I can see why you didn't give it to her. Probably the smart thing, more of an emotional release, yes?
I have created such unsent letters myself. 2 to be exact. I deleted the second one last year when I found ti still sitting on my computer...reading them really gives you aglimpse of the person you were then...some of it is good some of it is well, you makes you feel kind of (oh was I like that?) heheh just from my own perspective anyway.
Mich,
Your blog is so different from others . Its always talk a lot of truth about human life and relationships. Great blog ..
Boogley
HI Mike, WOW that was quite a letter. I'm glad you got it out and on paper (so to speak).
Thanks for the poem on my post today. That was a very heartfelt poem. I hope that my two girls do have a lot of romantic dinners...... YEARS from now.
I'm glad you are having them now too.
Hi my friend Michael,
Your candor is commendable and the first positive step in moving on...keep in mind that in the act of writing a recovery takes place, and in the telling the writer becomes the survivor...because you have been so honest and outright, I will respond in kind...I hope you don't mind.
First of all, if one must change themselves to suit someone else, that's not good...you are what you are, and for someone to ask of you to be something you're not, well, you're doomed from the start...it seems as though this person appears to think that you are hers soley for her own pleasure and not yours, as it seems she waxes and wanes at her own will and for her own benefit...it also seems as though she has her own agenda, self-serving at best...
Of course I am speaking merely from what you have said, which is how I am deducing my reply...I think, my friend, you should move on...no one is here for the abuse, misuse or merely someone else's pleasure...loving someone is a two-way street, a give and a take from both parties; even the best of relationships need nurturing and a middle-road for success. You seem to nice a person to be pushed and pulled around to suit someone else's selfish needs. For now perhaps it's best to be alone; at the least you won't find yourself "bruised" at the hands of someone who really doesn't care.
I wish you happiness...and it will come; true love doesn't demand much, it just is, and it will happen when you least expect it. Take care my friend.
hugs,
paulygrl
Michael,
That was such a powerful letter -- full of love and pain! I hope you find some peace and love... you are such a kind heart you deserve it!
ryc: you missed some fun xanga drama about the crayfish
Hugs Michael
Dear Michael,
:love::littlekiss::heartbeat::wave:
Love,
Liz
If it's any consolation to you, Michael, I've written that same letter, in my head, at least three or four times, to three or four different women. Sex can be great, but our tendency is to confuse it with true love. Only our brains are upside down at the time (practically literally do I mean that!) and we're incapable of distinguishing the difference. I do recall writing a letter in longhand once, and reading it to the woman over the phone. She said a sincere "That's beautiful," and we broke up as amicably as we could.
Life. Ain't it grand? Love. It's either grand or it eventually sucks when it proves to be an illusion. In my latest blog I meant to include the song "Both Sides Now" among the songs that knock me out. It's clouds illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all. It's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all. It's love's illusions I recall. I really don't know love at all.
Awww, the hell with it. What the Bleep Do We Know, anyway!?
Hello. Just dropping by to thank you for your wonderful comments. I will be abck to read your post in full deatil later. Have a great day. :wave:
I actually wrote and sent through email a letter similar to that not long ago..an hour later I thought better of it and went into his email to delete it. I think it was just a momentary thing for me because in actuality we're fine. That's not a very nice or warm place to be where you were..:heartbeat:
Mike, your letter shows again to me that a healthy relationship can only exist wher both persons are whole in themselves and is in the process of increasing their own well-being. The moment you try to change yourself for another person or if another person tries to change you the relationship becomes destructive irrespective of the level of communication and love within it. Whole person's become whole relationships. The ideal relationship is when my wholeness fits into the other person's wholeness without either having to change. Not always the reality but still the ideal. Thank you for sharing this letter with us. JJ
i like your beard. my dad kind of styles his the same way. my dad's cool, and he shoots qsuirrels with his bebe guns. so i hope your not one of those people who doesn't believe in aniimal cruelty. oh were you in the navy or something? my dad was a corpsman in the navy. so what is this whole e-mail issue about anyway? comment me back when you can in your spare time. - thanks!
Dear Michael,
I've missed reading you, I don't know why I stayed away so long. Myspace is a little like herion...I've been wasting too much of my life there, and it really doesn't give me anything. Your insights into humanity, and your openness, always facinate me. This letter answers her question perfectly.
Anyhoo...I'll be around more. :spinning:
Stacey
Those are fabulous photos.. You wrote a lot in two's blog.. and thought I'd stop in and check you out..
Bright Beautiful Blessings Chel
Hi there, You've done an excellent job. I'll definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends.
I'm confident they will be benefited from this web site.
Bramah manufactures locks for domestic and commercial use.
• Don’t forget to check its compatibility with your building structure and the ability
of the system to deliver a good sound quality which depends on the structure of your home.
Services include lock changes, lock change, lock replacement, lock rekeying,
security safes, grilles and gates and gates.
I pay a quick visit daily some websites and information sites to read articles, however this website offers feature based articles.
You must type a title on your post, an e-mail address at which you might be contacted,
and also a "Posting Description" that fully explains
your ad.
Microsoft Outlook 2007 is a message client and section of the Microsoft Office Suite 2007.
I just want to state that this post is very beneficial.
Thanks for taking your time to post this.
Right away I am going to do my breakfast, once having my breakfast coming over again to read further news.
Burglars usually attack a safe's door, and the best doors
are made from multiple pieces of steel. Also on-board the Bolt concept
car is advanced driver assist features like an automated park-and-retrieval system where the car parks itself in a parking garage, and retrieves itself via a smart phone app.
Attach the alligator clips to the ends of the wires coming out of
the solar panel.
Hi, i think that i saw you visited my blog so i
got here to go back the choose?.I'm trying to find things to improve my website!I suppose its good enough to make use of a few
of your ideas!!
The Ideal Place to Install a Wireless Router Device.
The chocks should be placed firmly against both tires in the direction of the grade, and sometimes on both sides if heavy items are being loaded or unloaded.
Fiber optic cable is not just used for computer networking,
but also to connect audio devices, as it transmits high quality audio signal.
This figure is surely an approximate average of business
opportunity listings for gas station owners.
If the post will no longer exists on Craigslist, the web page displays an oversight indicating
such.
I enjoy this web site very much, It's truly good to read as well as learn more
information.
Hello! Good stuff here, please keep us posted.