October 4, 2005
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Dear Misanthrope
(My Life With Pat: December 1991-May 1995)2. 2 adults, 2 Kids, 2 bedroom apartment: 2 Close for Comfort
Pat had her own schedule, and her own way of doing things. As soon as I moved in with her in Long Beach in 1992, that schedule was upset, and she had to adapt to new ways of doing things. When I had moved in with my friend Bob about five years earlier, I had announced to the assembled "backyard buddies" in Bob's bedroom one afternoon that "there were going to be changes" because I was living there now. I have always been an A plus personality, and I'm used to getting my way. When I don't, I can be quite disastrous to live with, or so it has been said. By closing in on Pat and her two children, Laura and Charlie, in a two bedroom apartment, common sense would dictate that nobody would enjoy any degree of solitude simply because of the cramped space. I had lots of furniture and collections of books and movies, all of which needed to be fit into this small space. Within a couple of hours after starting to move in my stuff, the apartment started to look more like 'me' than 'the family'. I could see that this upset the two children especially, and although I couldn't see this in regards to Pat herself, she was getting more than she bargained for, and was noticing her lifestyle was changing as well.Laura would be the first to complain loudly, because she had one of the two bedrooms, and this was now to be the "master bedroom". I had a 32" big screen television, and I would put this in the bedroom, further insensing the children, because they still had to watch TV on a 19" screen. Laura would have to move in with her brother. Since she was 14, this was a bit like moving backward for her, and she resented what her mother was dictating. Charlie had a bedroom, but was used to "bunking" in the living room, on a sofa, with his mother, who slept on the other side of the living room on a daybed. While I was visiting overnight prior to moving in, Charlie would be sleeping mere feet away while Pat and I would engage in sex in the daybed. I thought this was somewhat strange, but didn't question the arrangement. I only hoped that Charlie was asleep most of the time. Laura screamed as we moved her furniture out of her bedroom, which was the most "decorated" room in the house. Both Pat's children were sired by different fathers, neither of whom Pat had married. Charlie's father was a macho Mexican American man who lived nearby in Paramount. Pat never talked about Laura's father, but since both Pat and Charlie were slobs, and Laura was neat and tidy, I liked Laura's methods of taking care of herself the best, and surmised that her father was probably a neat freak like me, but I just couldn't warm up to this spitfire of a youngster, whose reaction to the news I was going to move in with the family was to run away immeditaely.
So the first weekend before I actually moved into the apartment with Pat, we spent the time searching the neighborhood for Laura, and this was not the first time she would "run away from home" while I lived with the family. Pat, Charlie, and I piled into Pat's small four door Geo Prism and scoured the immediate area. Laura's best friend lived a few blocks away, and this is where we found her, and Pat pulled her kicking and screaming back into the car. My friends back at Bob's "frat house" had warned me that I was making a mistake by electing to move in with Pat and her kids. I had already started the wheels rolling, and now I was almost afraid that they were about to roll over me pretty quickly.
I warmed to Charlie pretty quickly, or thought I did, anyway. He didn't scowl and pout every time I came into the room, and he liked all the video movies I brought into his life. Laura acted more like the head of the household sometimes than Pat, and since Pat had always been quite a drunk on Friday nights, sometimes Laura actually did have to "put Pat to bed" when she came home from the bars, so Laura had gained a lot of responsibility for her mother growing up. Pat and Laura frequently had "I am the mother" talks with each other, even after I moved in. I had made the decision to immerse myself in this quite dysfunctional family, which had never known a father figure. Two days after I had arranged my bookcases, and unpacked my belongings, I witnessed Charlie "playing" with a neighborhood kid on a board laid across two chairs. I cautioned him about playing in this dangerous place, and Pat immediately "sided" with Charlie, told him to go about his dangerous play, and cautioned me very plainly and sternly never to discipline her children. With each succeeding day, something else would happen, that would prove that I had gotten myself into a situation which was not healthy, either for me or anybody else. Pat wanted to have things as they had always been, yet she wanted the extra rent money that my coming into the family would bring. She was trying to have her cake and eat it too, and this was never going to work. Since I loved her, or thought I did, anyway, I gave in to every little quirk.
In each relationship between people, there has to be some give and take. I found myself giving but rarely taking. I 'gave up' a lot of my own interests, and I acclamated myself to her quirks. She liked to listen to the television set when she was cooking, even though it was in the other room. She told me she felt "lonely" when it wasn't on. I never watched television, prefrerring to use my set as a monitor on which to view my movie collection. When Pat would visit me at my suite of rooms in the "frat house" she would watch movies with me. Now that I lived with her, she wasn't interested in watching movies with me anymore. Her "meals" were bland and unsatisfying. I have always "eaten out" in restaurants, and I like a variety of different culinary delights. Pat had about four or five "standard" meals, including boiled potatoes, spaghetti, and meatloaf, and after a short while, her culinary skills (or lack of) grew tiring. We had nothing in common, really, and our evenings were spent playing gin rummy or cribbage. We usually holed up in the new "master bedroom" while her kids played videogames or watched television in the living room. This also served to distance herself from her children, who had her all to themselves before I moved into their life.
Once when Pat visited Bob when I was still living in his house, she decided that she would "clean his kitchen drawers." Pat's method of "cleaning drawers" was to dump their contents on the ground, and then put everything back away, and in this process, she felt she was "organizing" but was really just wasting time, since nothing was ever thrown away or organized in any way. Bob was seen to do a slow burn when she dumped all his kitchen utensils on the floor. Granted, Bob wasn't the best housekeeper in the world, and Pat always thought she was "rescuing me" from living in his house, which was slowly falling apart. She was wrong to empty his drawers however, but this was normal behavior for her I would soon find out. Some evenings in "our" apartment, after playing rummy or some other card game, instead of giving in to my wishes and perhaps watching one of my laserdisc films, Pat would go into the kitchen or hall, take a drawer out of a hutch or cabinet, bring it into the bedroom, and dump it's contents on the bed spread. Then she would methodically put everything back into the drawer. These obsessive compulsive behaviors bothered me, but I learned to live with them, and didn't recognize them as somewhat crazy behaviors at the time.
Before long, for me, living with Pat was like living in a prison. My motorcycle had to be sold, since Pat's brother had died riding one years earlier she didn't want me to ride. My Cadillac, which was a classic 1966 Sedan de Ville, was parked in the driveway of the apartment, and gathered dust because it never was used. Pat drove us everywhere. She didn't like the big car, even though her little Prism wasn't quite large enough for two adults, two kids, and a load of groceries. She never gave me a reason why she hated the Cadillac, but I gave in to her and didn't use it. As the weeks, and then months passed, I began to give up all my own interests and bowed to her every wish. My life became a mundane exercise in not making my girlfriend or her kids angry.
When Pat or her kids did get angry, sparks flew so erratically that it is a wonder the apartment didn't burn down. I can get quite animated when angry as well, so a lot of our fights were dismally energetic, with lots of yelling and waving of arms. Laura liked to slam doors, and Pat would respond to their mother-daughter quarrels by slamming doors as well. Charlie and Laura would exit any bad situation by just leaving home for a while. And after a while, this became routine behavior. And it wasn't healthy for any of us. I now believe Pat used sex as bait to get me to move in, and once I was ensconced in her life, the sex mysteriously stopped. We each had "our own side" of the queen sized bed I bought for her. I like to cuddle, but cuddling was out of the picture most nights. Almost all nights. Sometimes in the middle of a card game, Pat would start to get fidgety, and begin moving about the room. She wouldn't communicate to me what she was feeling, but I could see that she wasn't in a good mood. I would later figure out that her "nightlife" was compromised by my being there. So sometimes she actually would go to the closet, and begin to get dressed for a "night out" although I was not being told, even though I was in the same room. When she would tell me she was "going out", I would ask to come along. Sometimes she would "bring" me, but she wasnt' happy, because she couldn 't pick up men with me there. Our lives were insane together. Each one of us had to stop doing things we liked to do alone, and we couldn't really find a common ground together until later when we started going to the horse track, but even then, I was bowing to her interests, and engaging in activity in which she participated.
One evening when she got "upset" for no apparent reason, and began to pace around the bedroom, I ingratiated myself to her so I could accompany her to a country and western bar. Now we both drank alcohol while we were playing cards or whatever, so we were both stoked by the alcoholic fuel when these ill conceived decisions were made. I used to go honkey tonkin with my friend Tom years previously, but in my relationship with Pat, I wanted to "settle down" and have a domestic life. Pat still wanted to go honkey tonkin, and didn't care whether or not I was around. She got dressed, I did too, and she drove me to one bar after another. We passed the time either quarrelling or not talking to each other. At one bar, she left to go to the restroom, and left her purse on the seat across from me where she was sitting. I didn't realize that she had left it on the seat, and someone stole it. When Pat returned from the restroom, and couldn't find her purse, she became ballistic, and blamed me for not watching it. That evening is one I shall never forget. The next day, we returned to the bar and searched through the trash containers out back. I believe we did find the purse, but all the money, which wasn't much, had been stolen. Pat never forgave me for not watching her purse, which of course she had forgotten about. She never had told me to keep an eye on it that night, and I had never known a gal to go to the restroom without her purse, either before or since. Pat was an iconoclast, for sure.
The weekend of the L.A. riots occurred a few short weeks after I had moved in. Since we worked for the same company, our boss had let everyone off early the day the riots began. Tensions were tight in Los Angeles county. In Long Beach, tempers were flaring as bad as in South L.A. I had an appointment at the DMV that Friday afternoon, and I called them to ask if they were still open, since the news on the television didn't look good. An employee at the DMV said they were being let go early that afternoon. Later that evening the DMV, on Pacific and Willow streets, was torched, and burned down. Pat and I drove to the 7-11 to buy our evening beer before going home, and the atmosphere inside the 7-11 was one of siege mentality. Everyone was stocking up for some kind of explosion, which of course was almost ready to ignite. Pat didn't want me to tune into the TV news when we got home. Fires were raging all around our apartment building, but Pat didnt' want the "kids" to see what was happening in South L.A. and Long Beach. I was a bit peeved, being a bit of a news junkie, but as usual, gave into her wishes. Her kids went to a neighbors' and watched the television news on another TV. They came home talking about "the riots." Pat told me that she wasn't going to get upset about this until somebody actually climbed into the bedroom window to attack us. I didnt' sleep that well that night, and the next day, awaking seeing plumes of smoke and fire from our bedroom window, we engaged in our plans to leave for San Clemente to spend the weekend, since it was my birthday. I remember leaving the apartment wondering if it would even be there when we got back. Although the fires eradicated a lot of businesses close by our apartment, none of the residential areas were touched, so when we returned our place was safe.
But it wasn't safe from the volatile nature of our relationship and our relationship with the kids. I spent nearly a year with Pat in her apartment, before Charlie, who had just turned 13, started to fall in with some local kids who were related to gang members, and Pat wanted to flee the scene to move in to a better place. I saw this as an escape into a better place for both of us. The apartment was too cramped, and in a bad part of town. We would "move on up", and hopefully our relationship would become the better for it. We scoured the classifieds for houses in the North Long Beach area, closer to where we worked, in a much better part of town. Shortly before we could even make a decision, however, Laura came home with a "homeless woman" and her child one afternoon, and Pat struck up a friendship with this woman. Our pay prohibited us from living like a king and queen, but it was better than Pat was used to previously, so adding another two mouths to feed didn't bother her in the least. I wasn't consulted in her decision, and before long, the house search included an extra bedroom for our new "boarder" who was on the dole from County services, a way of life Pat understood completely, and it was never discussed whether or not Pat's new homeless friend was going to pay any rent.
My memories of our year together in the two bedroom apartment include watching the throngs of homeless people populate the city park down the street from our apartment, listening to the loud Mexican radio stations playing on Saturday morning from the apartment next door, through paper thin walls. Pat loved to "play the lottery", and twice each week, on Wednesdays, and Saturdays, she would buy lottery tickets, and would keep me up in the evening discussing everything she would do with the money as soon as she won. Of course she never did win, but this didn't stop her grave disappointment, because she would dream of winning as surely if she had won, which led to vast misgivings when she checked the numbers the next morning. I also remember her rage. She was easily angered, and her anger took over her personality completely. Once a poor elderly black woman cut Pat off in an intersection, while I was riding shotgun as usual, and Pat followed the woman to her home, and threatened her. I was apalled, but couldn't help my girlfriend to see reason. That evening, fueled by more than a few beers, Pat planned to go out and destroy this woman's property, or let the air our of her tires, or any other number of retaliatory actions. I was able to convince her not to leave the bedroom, thank God. But it was a difficult evening, and like a lot of our evenings, I was sure that something dreadful would eventually happen. Pat didn't like people that well, and when they pissed her off, she could get quite blistered. I saw this myself when she would get angry at me, which could happen at any time, and I could be completely unawares of the spark which would ignite her.
We spent a couple of weeks "house hunting". Pat, Charlie, Laura, myself, and our "housemate" and her toddler. I can't even remember this woman's name, and this is probably a good thing. She wouldn't last long in our little family, but she was a part of the search to "escape" the gang members which Pat was sure were going to take over her son's life.
To Be Continued.
This is the second part of this "reminiscence" about my ex girlfriend Pat, subject of the "Pat Poems" written in 1992-1995. Some parts of this story will show up later in "My Sexual History". In this series of essays I am writing not from a "sexual" standpoint, but from a "relationship standpoint". and this series will simply outline my somewhat eerie, and always harrowing relationship with Pat. Upcoming in this series.3. Away from the gangs Part 1: The first house.
4. Away from the gangs Part 2: The second house
5. The Garage
6. The Prison Break
Comments (49)
you know what i find missing from this... the introspection in to why you were able to let her destroy you like that? it's all accounted matter of factly - as if one should expect to be treated this way in a relationship. why did she have all the power? where were you emotionally that you gave up so much for so little? i
know those are deeply personal ?s and it's ok if you don't respond. (ps. hit the wrong key too early!)
Hi Mike,
thanks for visiting my site
. I put you up on the side bar because I enjoy reading your poetry. It's basically a list of my favorite people to read.
Thansk for the suggestions to the pictrues, yes thank God indeed for digital photography. The only problem is when I'm with G and we are touring new cities, I don't have the tiem I'd love to have to take a dozen angles...he isn't ina hurry but seems to dislike pictures. I can understand cause he took so many of them in his life. I personally he think he kind of got jaded fromt hem when he lost hsi partner 10 years ago.
G is pretty much my prince, the heart ache is that we are 6000 miles apart. He lives in Italy and I live in Canada and we see each other 5-6 times a year. We talk to each other 2-3 times a day
....with new technology , long distance isn't as expensive as it used to be.
Very hard to be in this situation but he is the only show that fits. So I have no choice but to put up with it cause there is no one else that comes close to being right for me.
Anyway hope you have a great week and thanks again for all yoru comments
cheers
Frank
(RYC: You're name's in the entry because every time I do a quizzy thing you say to me, "I don't really care for blogthings." hee hee, so I apologized before hand...cause I know you don't like them.
And thanks for the compliment on my pics. That was very nice of you!)
I'll have to read this entry of yours later when I have a couple minutes....I shall return!
wow i can't wait to hear the rest of the story. i can't believe this is fact and not fiction! your life at least this portion has been quite interesting for me to read.
Dearest Mike,
So many things are swimming in my mind after reading this. I don't think I could type a coherent sentence ... lol.
All I can say is that in regards to me I like to keep things simple, clean and easy.
Love,
Liz
:wave:Hi Mike!! If I ever come to California, I will most DEFINITELY look you up ... and I will be wearing a bikini and a cowboy hat ... lol!! How's your love life treating you??
Hi Mike,
This is the first chance I've had to sit and read this story. And what a story! My goodness, I can see why things ended. It hardly sounds like it was a good situation ever, not even from the start! Seems more like some dysfunctional soap opera...than a life healthy for anyone.
Have a great day!
Denise
Pat sounds absolutely frightful. Actually she reminds me (in your narrative) quite a bit of my ex husband who had anger issues etc. But you know, as crazy as the people we love at times may be, we have to ask ourselves what it is in us that seeks them out in the first place, no?
looking forward to reading the next legs....
cheers,
B
Mike, wow... reading this was hard. I can only imagine living it was hell on earth. No one should have to change themselves for anyone else. (giving up your motorcycle ect.) I am glad you are not with her anymore. It must have been so terribly hard for you.
RYC: Thanks for the as usual wonderful and thoughtful comments you've been leaving on mine. And if I had to recommend one of my books for you to read? 'Bridge Across Forever.' You would like his perspective on love and soul mates I think. 'One' is the continuation of 'Bridge Across Forever' and delves more into alternate choices, alternate realities.
And an fyi? If you go to the comments for the weekend project on Socrates'? You'll see that I learned how to do it! And it was all because of you! Thank you and don't feel so bad! I could NOT have done it without your help!
Brightest of Blessings Mike,
~Me ::wink::
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I think you made spme good points in Features also.|Keep working ,
great job!|Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come bahk again -
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I did a search on the topic and found most pwople will agrre with
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Thank you|Wow! Thank you! I alweays wanted to write
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dcisive insght at thhe end there, not leave it with
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Can you Help me, please |It sounds like you're creeating problems yourself by
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I am loving it!! Will come baack agaain - taking you feeds also, Thanks.|Hello.
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Thanks!|You made some good points there. I did a search on thee topic and found moswt people will agree with your blog.|As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me.
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and informative posts, I will add backlink - bookmark
this site? Regards, Reader.|In searching for sites related to weeb hosting and specifically comparison hosting linux plan web,
your site came up. |You are a very smart person!
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GA is also my biggest earning. However, it’s not a much.|To start earning money with your blog, initfially use Google Adsense but gradually as your traffic increases,
keep adding more and more money making programs
to your site.|thanks !! very helpful post!|I don’t usually
reply to posts but I will in this case. |my God, i thought you were
going to chip in with some decisive insght at the end there, not leave it
with ‘we leave it to you to decide’.|What iis captcha code?,
pls provide mme captcha code codes or plugin, Thanks in advance.|That’s
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… Just Telling 
|Hi tbere I
the feeds also...|Hi, I can’t understand hhow to addd your site iin my rss
reader. Can you Help me, please |It sounds like
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helpful post!|amazing stuff thanx |Such a usefule blog…wow !!!!|Your bloog
is soo informative … keep up the goood work!!!!|I don’t usually reply too posts but I will in this case.
WoW |Hey very nice blog!!|good good…this post deserves nothing …hahaha just joking
P |ohh…nice post but really?/?
facts* and proof* i mean who is posting* lol
post ….|yea nice Work |:O So mush Info :O … THis Is he MOst AMAzing SIte DUDe… |Blogroll linkis aint that great :
P bbut i am not the admin…
lioe your post|Interesting article. Weree did yyou got all thhe information from...
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moree later ..|I wish getting over a broken heart can be so easy as
following a few steps.. but its not… |Hi.I read a feew
of your other posts and wanted to know if you would be interested
in exchanging blogroll links?|Hello to all I can’t understand how to addd your site in my rss reader.
Help me, please|Wow, thanks a bunch m8 |Pretty! This was
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Very helpful advice onn this article! It is the little changes that
make the biggest changes. Thanks a lot for sharing!|Hi there!
This post couldn’t be written any better!Reading through
this ost reminds me of my previous room mate!
He always kept talking about this. I will forward
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