June 14, 2005

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  Poems of quiet desperation from the late 70s. The “partying” begins to resemble “alcoholism”. Friends and lovers seem scarce. I seem to be needing more than I am receiving from both life and poetry. I finally quit drinking completely in the early 80s. After the poem, “The Poetry is Gone” I wrote a “belief treatise” which I am including here since it is on the page with the poem in my notebook. I end this ElectricPoetry post with a more “positive” poem, “Missed Midnight Kiss” written for Karen, a gal who was only 17 years old when I met her (I was 27) and who became my lover for a while (after she turned 18 of course)
  

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  “Journal For Today”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © June 15, 1976

  
  

  
  I live each hour
  And wait and hope and pray
  That someday ‘she’  will find me.
  In all my searches, I’ve never found ‘her’.
  I’ve only found heartbreak
  for countless hopefuls -
  And for myself as well.
  I guess I’m just an incurable romantic
  (Although Ruth said I had none of
   the Romantic in me at all.)
  I know I’m a paradox
  I know I’m two people
  And the real me only shows it’s face
  I’ve always said I exist in my poems,
  And as each year passes
  My poems dwindle
  My life expands
  My God, It’s June already
  I’ve been at my present address for
  Seven months.
  I went out with Ruth for
  Half a year.
  Time is almost useless
  As a yardstick anymore.
  Days become weeks -
  And weeks become years -
  I’ll let you all know
   someday
  What I think of you
  With a tear in my eye.
   
   Oh fu*k, I can’t finish this. MFNyiri

  
  

  
  “Journal For Tomorrow”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © June 15, 1976

  
  

  I’m sitting here in my chair – I just had one
  beer – and  I’m going out & buy
  some more soon –
  When will it all end.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  “The Poetry is Gone”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © April 6, 1977

  
  

  
  We live in two worlds
  That which is
  And that which was
  When that which is
  Is not so good
  And that which was
  Is
  Then when elements of that which was
  Show their faces in that which is
  We are happy for a while.

  
  

  I’ve always dwelt in that which was.
  Although I know that in order
  To fully emerge into one’s existence
  as a whole being,
  One has to incorporate the essences
  of that which was
  Into the reality of that which is.

  
  

  Wondering if I’m ever going
  To be able to do that
  Has always grated my mind
  And glutted all my victories
  By sending calm memories
  To erase present cruelties.

  
  

  In order to forget the wrongs
  One has to meld the rights
  And keep insisting humanity is kind
  The past was kind.

  
  

  It’s easy
  (Especially when a friend
  from that which was)
  Relates that I’ve got to give in
  And straighten up.
  And answer all those questions.
  And quit closing the door
  all the time.

  
  

  But is humanity kind after all?

  
  

  I’ve always said
  that we only grasp our own beings
  That by nature we are selfish
  That we never realize
  that the person
  who sits across from us on the bus
  or who asks for the time
  Is as much a real person
  As we are.

  
  

  Yet, I always search for these
  Real people
  And I open myself up
  And I crave the truth.

  
  

  I never get the truth.

  
  

  Or

  
  

  Is it that I won’t accept it.

  
  

  (Everybody needs beliefs in order to survive.
  From earliest mankind, there has always
  had to be something to believe in.
  As mankind progressed, human nature
  Dictated that there would be more
  Beliefs because everybody could not
  believe the same thing.
  Thus, every source of belief linked
  to the supreme knowledge has been
  worshipped.
  The world has many religions
  The world has many alternative religions
  The world has many correct doctrines
  And, I know, some misleading doctrines
  The wonder, though, is that
  though members of one sect might
  believe fanatically that the rigors
  of religiosity they are given
  are true: they do not believe
  in anything else
  I think this is sad.
  A human being has the quality to
  reason and to dissect and to
  determine truths and yet so many
  people believe in only one belief
  simply because the elders of their
  sect are narrow minded.
  I am sure that just because
  something is only recently discovered
  by science doesn’t mean it
  didn’t exist before it was discovered.)

  
  

  
  “Apartmenthouse Blues”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © August 12, 1979 12:45 p.m.

  
  

  
  You buy a beer to relieve the hangover
  You want to forget what you had to remember
  You live life’s parody accepting your fate
  But blow everything apart when partying.

  
  

  What was it, your heavy head asks,
  that you wanted to forget?
  Why do smiles cease to mean so much?
  And is reality a resting place for desire?

  
  

  You watch the charade played out before you
  Everyone forcing themselves to be happy
  Is this what life taught you to expect?
  And you’re always asking those questions.

  
  

  Holding somebody should give answers
  to what they share in their eyes
  Meaning is a shallow expression
  And the truth always turns out lies.

  
  

  
  “Missed Midnight Kiss”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  © August 21, 1980 12:25 a.m.

  
  

  
  You won’t believe it, but tonight ended
   a year-long expectation
  An ironclad creation – of my heart
  The days would last forever
  I’d wait till morrow’s never
  But I never really thought that
   it would start.

  
  

  It can’t be true, I cried, but
   somehow true came truer
  I’ve seen you once and who can ever tell
  I’m floating down the freeway
  Never wanting to find the way,
  My feelings, that should ever,
   ever quell.

  
  

  Because tonight your smile
   outshone the moon -
  And even tho’ it wasn’t
   yours was full

  
  

  Tonight your laugh, it
   filled the empty
  And everything marked
   later happened soon

  
  

  You won’t believe it, but tonight
   mended many dreams
  And even tho’ it seems just like it all -
  Ways do change for the better
  And special times are met for
  Life if we can really hear
   it’s call.

  
  

  You must remember this
  My time felt spent with bliss
  Through music, laughs, and talk,
  Through sharing, and your smile
  Makes all my time worthwhile –
  Even in our
   shared missed midnight kiss.

  
  

  You have to understand it’s been
   so pleasant
  So wonderfully pleasant, I want you to know
  whatever happens next
  whatever you say or do –
  Karen, I’ll be carin’
   for you….

  • 10:25 am
  • 12 Comments