May 10, 2005
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In 1978 I was a mere 25 years old, with the vast expanse of living laid out in front of me like an undiscovered country. I still had hair. I still had poetry. I fell in love with the beauteous Cathy, and in 1978 I wrote her a grand total of 60 love poems in an attempt to win her hand and her heart. The link on the date will take you to the page on my ElectricPoetry website where I keep the "Cathy Poems". I haven't yet transcribed them all to the internet, however, and have posted some here on WhenWordsCollide from time to time. Here are some more. I have just transcribed them, and they are from "late" in the "relationship" after I had already written about 45 or so poems, and she was still "confused" about whether she should keep seeing her current "boyfriend" whom she confessed to me that she didn't "love" but only stayed with "for convention's sake". Come with me now back to those heady days of youth, when love was still an important word in my vocabulary. Here are some more of the "Cathy Poems."
"Night After Night"
Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
© 8-23-78 11:00 a.m. "A Cathy Poem"
Weary eyes will blur, and all the sight
shall fade from view
Weary mind will sleep, and dreams begin
as if on cue
Visions clutter, can't make out the forms
only a few
But one stands out, assumes a face
and I reach out to you
In the greenery, surrounded by
an unclear haze, you smile
and touch my hand
The moss is soft under our feet
With outstretched arms we circle
The forest sounds become a band
We play, we laugh, as children
with no thoughts of problems, or time
Or anything at all
We're happy
Until the leaves begin to fall
Weary eyes will open, rays of light
shall pierce the sight
Weary mind starts working, and the dreams
fade in the night
Visions stand as harsh reality
a common state
And you are gone until tonight
Until then I shall wait
"I'm Not Mad"
Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
© 8-28-78 6:40 p.m. "A Cathy Poem"
I'm not mad, I'm not
I've got to quell the feeling.
Sometimes it just gets too hard
and the tears flow endlessly
I want to explode
To scream
To rip open the heavens
I joke about suicide
I joke about nervous breakdowns
I slosh beers down my throat
in order to forget everything
But it's just me
I can't help it
I can't stop the pain in my heart
It keeps on coming back
I'm not mad
Try a bit of self-evaluation
I keep asking questions about myself
while I give enlightened answers
to everybody else
God grant me serenity
Rip this love from me if it is
never to be fulfilled
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE
Let me hate her
Let the situation reverse
Let he** break loose
I don't care
I've got to do something
There's two men on base
and only one more out left
in the inning
It won't be him
He's a strong runner
He controls the situation he's in
It'll be me
I hope the out ball hits me in the
head
I hope it either kills me
or...
Cathy, this could've been wonderful
A carefree, casual relationship
But I can't discount love
It rules me - I don't control
the feeling which prompts my tears
I've got to have it all
It would be so beautiful
"Two as One"
But it'll never be
Why
I'm not mad
I'm not mad
I'm not.
"Fragmentary Elation"
Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
© 8-31-78 7:15 p.m. "A Cathy Poem"
Whisper wishes in my ears
Ease my pain and calm my fears
Send a message to my brain
Erase bad thoughts so I'll not feign
I'm happy - I will have no cares
And understanding I shall gain
Look with laughter in my eyes
And let your gaze release small spies
Find out what I feel inside
Understand I've never lied
To you - and tell me what love buys
When shackled to a love that died
Give me all your thoughts tomorrow
Explain why I will feel more sorrow
Stretch out your hand, give me your smile
I'll be happy for a little while
I can't have your love, so I'll just borrow
A little to last me for a while.
"No Care, Except That You're Not There"
Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
© 10-2-78 7:00 p.m. "A Cathy Poem"
I hear your voice I'm in heaven
And the time is lost forever
in romantic cliches
I never thought the time would come
When you would have a chance to
call me up
and chat
Although I really always knew
you'd do
just that
if you could
I listen to your music
As you describe your day
And I wish that maybe
I could see your face again
I missed you Saturday
And Sunday
And today
And I do not need to tell you
that time is he** when you're away
And when I hear your voice
I feel so happy
If the world fell down around us
I would have no care
Except that you're not there
And we can be alone together
And tomorrow
Maybe I will see you
And the hours together
Will pass like minutes
And as I hold your hand
You'll understand
That someday you will feel love
In my kiss
And I will look deep in your eyes
and say
Whenever you feel lonely
Or might just want to talk
Call me up I'll listen
No matter what is happening
In my life only you matter
And as I hear your voice
I'll have no care
...Except that you're not there
"Another Last Love Poem"
Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
© 10-5-78 7:45 p.m. "A Cathy Poem"
I rewrite the words and phrases
Mind clouded with uncertain hazes
You are there in dreams discarded
The pain still there where we last parted
I sit, unmoving, broken hearted
I rush too fast and lose
I thought I knew how it happened before
I thought I could read through your heart's core
But it's all been a wasted fallacy
My heart has been blinded by reality
I sit with dry tears, calamity
Shortens my lighted fuse
I thought I wrote the last love song
I prayed that the pain wouldn't last long
I've always been very impatient
But I waited long for you to relent
I knew I could feel the love you sent
But still I cried the blues
Before I go mad I must stop
Thinking or then my heart will pop
I need you to know that it's ended somehow
And I can take a final bow
And dirges will fill the news
"Where We Never Should Have Been"
Poetry by Michael F.Nyiri
© 10-23-78 1:40 p.m. "A Cathy Poem"
I wanted to remember when the swift, white clouds
Hung lazily over an azure expanse
The leaves played games with the wind
And heaven sighed a full deep breath
I wanted to remember this again
I tired
And I visualized the birds
Singing so happily to their lovemates
I was looking into your liquid eyes
And they smiled at me and said
"Trust not in superficial actions"
"Trust not in outward glances"
"Trust me alone and I will show you
How to enjoy the nectar of the Gods"
I was holding your smooth white hand
And it touched me back and said
"We need not be troubled by today
For todays come and go -
Grasp the moment as it appears
And enjoy what God had meant to be"
I reached across the chasm of reality
And for a moment breathed
the same air as you
For a moment we held each other
Synchronized with nature
A breath
A touch
Two hearts beating the same beat
Revelation
The clouds, the air, the presence
I wanted to remember it all
Then I saw you again
I rushed myself, uncomfortable
And I quenched the spark
With the waters of
Exceeded passion,
Now I feel wasted
I feel the scope of time
Has doubled back upon itself.
We are where we never
Should have been
But I want to remember
That moment
Again.
Other "Cathy Poems" in the series posted as entries on this Xanga blog can be found here and here.
Comments (39)
They are so heart felt and touching. I bet even today she re-reads them with love and wonders if she made the right choice.
People so often choose the easy or convenient path...my marriage hasn't been easy or convenient -- but he holds my heart and that is what is most important.
I love your poetry - it makes me think and reflect and it tells a story about you.
Lost my post! Start again... Thanks for the comment as I said I don't usually do the silly Q&A things. I followed the link as you suggested to the cinerama dome in Hollywood. There is something special watching a movie in one of the grand old theatres. The poems are really raw; we have all felt such emotion to some degree. I especially liked "I'm not MAd".
KArolyn
OMG Mike!
Your movie quote made me laugh so hard (HERE is why)! Let's just say of the few movies I have watched ... and that I actually own ... well ... you'll see!
And I cannot even fathom the amount of poems you wrote for Cathy. I daresay your poems are so much better then photographs. A poem captures emotions and moments that a camera never can.
We are where we never
Should have been
But I want to remember
That moment
Again.
Those last few lines struck such a chord in me, though I would change the "We are ... " to "I am where I never". I tend to torture myself at times with empty memories that I know I am the only one to hold onto them ... but ... live and learn.
Love & Friendship,
Liz
these are incredible words of love... absolutely incredible.
ryc: first, i love long comments and on-going conversations. next, i don't think i've ever been here before today either, but we read and comment on a lot of the same xangas so i'm used to seeing your name around. i just got curious today. i will be back to read from the beginning to the end over the next couple days, bc i like the whole story, and that's the quickest way to get it, i find! (i think we may be similar that way). third- i have a xanga for my experimental writing, but my main xanga is a mixture of stuff- some play- some serious, and rarely the same twice in a row. fourth... is there a fourth? hummm... *thinking! ah yes, i am quite serious about my writing, both here and other places. i work at it every day and i talk about writing w/ those whom are serious too, but i love the zest of the young writers and even their comments when they aren't more than a "notice me" so i always do.... fifth- you're a bit older than me, but not much... i'm 19 in my heart and mind- but my body won't cooperate with the mental image! sixth- friends call me jeri- but first you have to decide to be friends- and i take it seriously (being friends, i mean)- almost more serious than my writing!
i must say, i'm quite deeply flattered that someone would take the time to actually fish through all those older entires, and have the mind to leave such a long, and heart-warming comment.
Ah, the beauty of youth!
)
i wonder if i even feel "young" anymore.
How old AM i...... a little shy of 23....
yet at times... i feel as though i've carelessly bypassed the entire mid life crisis and comfortably slipped into retirement!
(on the plus side... i still have hair
Love actually WAS a word that provoked an odd array of classic emotions....
And your poems remind me now...
of all i miss....
of all lost and gained... and cast away...
people who leave...
things that stay behind...
"cathy"....
she seems like the timeless symbol of a serenading angel of romance.
P.s> about the photographs... onfinite.com is actually free image hosting site. i never bothered to get xanga premium... (an unnecessary expenditure if u really think about it)... so when i need to upload images... i sometimes upoload them to onfinite.com and hotlink it to my site from there. thats why some of those images have an onfitite logo on them
Mike,
If you are looking for excellent picture hosting, totally free, no sign up or anything try http://imagehost.darkernet.co.uk/ that is the one I use for the images I post along with my poetry.
First of all let me thank you for your comment. I love how you are so sincere and honest in everything that you say to me. Even though erotica is not your genre of choice, you still read them... and that means a lot to me. It is not often that I post things of such an explicit nature, but sometimes that lust demon comes a'calling and what can you do? My sexuality is as much a part of me as my faith in god, and my love for nature.
I am familiar with Cathy. I have read the writes to her before. These ones you have posted just now, though...
The first one "Night After Night" literally sent goosebumps racing up my arms. The rhyme sceme was so beautifully done... and not something I think I have ever come across before. Your forest melody was breathing for me in my mind, it was alive, I felt the energy and smelled... pine. Now that is good descriptive power right there.
With "I'm Not Mad" I felt my heart pick up its beating, my memory becoming a vortex, sucking me back into places I had escaped a long time ago. How familiar I find that feeling... "I can't help it...I can't stop the pain in my heart...It keeps on coming back...I'm not mad" our hearts can be so entirely frusterating at times, and our romantically insane minds don't help out much at all.
In "Fragmentary Elation" I found myself close to wiping tears from my eyes. "Stretch out your hand, give me your smile... I'll be happy for a little while...I can't have your love, so I'll just borrow a little to last me for a while." This struck me such an intense feeling of inner inadequecy and feeling second best... or not best at all... the flow was beautiful... but I felt pain in this one.
In "No Care Except You're Not There" I was left feeling so bereft. Is there any torture on earth like that of an unrequitted love? Did this lady have any clue what she gave up for convenience!!? "If the world fell down around us, I would have no care... except that you're not there..." I bet your heart is amazing... larger than life, but covered in scars... we should take pictures and compare!
In "Another Last Love Poem" the lines "You are there in dreams discarded...the pain still there where we last parted. I sit, unmoving, broken hearted... I rush too fast and lose..." are almost physical to me. I can see myself alone, sitting in a chair, head in hands... reliving this over and over... because I have a Cathy myself... and I have written her many last love poems.
"Where We Never Should Have Been" is one of the most beautifully descriptive writes I have seen here on Xanga. Or in the classics, even. You painted this one with the hand of a master oil painter and I want to hang you on my wall. It's amazing to me... "For a moment we held each other...synchronized with nature...a breath...a touch...two hearts beating the same beat...Revelation"
That is SO powerful Mike... I am done now... my words are spent... but I am going back up for second reads on every single one of them.
Thank you for your magnificent support!
Sita Strangling
Mike,
Thanks for visiting my Xanga again and for subscribing... I am trying to watch your movie but it goes a bit slow from here in the SA. You poetry is excellent...I just wonder why you implicate that love is no longer an important word in your vocabulary. I hope it never looses its taste on my tongue. Love remains for me as fresh as ever. I hope one day you will regain your trust in love. ...never thought I was the eternal romatic...did you?
Mike, what incredible poems. So many have already said the very same words i felt and wanted to say as well. Especially razorwords, every last thought that went through my mind as i read your Cathy poems, was in those words for you.
It breaks my heart... what can i say? except that if someone had written such poems for me, there wouldnt have ever been an ending, pain or loss. but joy and completion in it's place.
you are a master of expression and poetic art. thank you for sharing those poems, i have felt all those very same things in my own life. your poems touched every chord within my heart.
~Lynxkatt
Tears flowing i love your poems they touch my heart for I have felt this way so much in my life and I express it with passiom but OMG yours are esquisite but I will need a whole nite to devout to your sit so i will close in saying i am glad i found you as Zel4living said sometimes you turn down that path you are unfamilar with and suddenly you find a ROSE>>>BB SCARLETT
I too have poems from different relationships. My ex was the subject/inspiration for quite a few. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But the poetry says it all. Some of these are full of rollercoaster emotion. "I feel you pain".....all the way across the country.
A detailed expression of love line by line, emotion by emotion, event by event... brilliant! O, though so long ago... wait to hear the outcome of your minstral singing to the divine lady... btw, ryc, tomorrow I will thank you in more length, but tonight suffice a thanks. bless you. xo
Mike,
I've been telling people around me for years that we are living in the age of the apocolypse... nice to find someone with a modicum of intelligence that agrees with me. Any more I am no longer frightened of it... I am sure I will be when it gets here... for now, I just try to steal every bit of beauty I can find in life, and live as though the end of the world is tomorrow.
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