January 6, 2005

• Essay: “The Pariah”

  “The Pariah”

  I’ve been ‘on the internet’ for a long time. I ‘discovered’ computers in 1996, and the first ‘PC’ I operated was at work. I convinced the people running our company that I ‘needed one’ so I could operate a CAD program, which allows one to create editable drawings. Before computers came into my workplace, I hand drew all the schematics and dimensional diagrams on paper for the panels we built. In 1997 I went online and in 1999 I created “AllThingsMike”, the “ultimate personal website”, of which this Xanga blog, “WhenWordsCollide” is a part. I have also participated in many “clubs”, “groups” and “message boards” with a wide range of subjects, including poetry, movie appreciation, and computing. I was one of a group of very vocal individuals on Homestead who complained loudly when the service switched from hosting “free” websites to a pay service in 2000. In these six years “online”, somewhat because of my outspoken personality, I sometimes have appeared too “opinionated” for some people, and although I know you “can’t please all of the people all of the time”, in those instances when I have been derided for one instance or another, the events always give me pause to think, and to wonder whether or not I really care to be involved with “the internet community”.

  The first instance where I felt like a pariah was on the Classmates.com message boards after the 9/11 attacks. In an otherwise innocuous post on a “Pro USA” message board at Classmates, I criticized the American invasion of Afghanistan, and plans to invade Iraq, as foolhardy, and bound to get the country embroiled in what I called “another Vietnam”. One of the drawbacks to public forums, obviously is that everyone has a voice, and a bitter opposing voice caused me such derision that I excused myself from that message board, and have never visited Classmates.com since. The guy didn’t just criticize my viewpoint, which, in retrospect, I feel was a sound one, he criticized me personally. It wasn’t even anyone I went to high school with.

  The second happened on a “friendship group” on Yahoo Groups. I began posting my poetry, and some of the female members of the group started “chatting me up” because they liked the poems. It turned out that another male member wrote poems and posted them on that group, and he took umbrage that someone else would do the same. I read a few “flames” and then exited the fiasco. I like to think that I exit these inflammable situations with aplomb and dignity, but in the back of my head I feel I’m “chickening out on a fight”. The trouble with “online” discussions which become inflamed is that the computer is sitting right on my desk, in my house. If I get into an argument at a friend’s house, or at work, I can go home. If one occurs on the computer, I feel as if I am a pariah everytime I turn the thing on, so I have hopefully gracefully exited each of these loggerheaded situations as they arise. That I can remember and relate each incident as if it were yesterday proves the dictum that these incidents affected me greatly, whether or not I acknowledge this fact.

  The third also involved a Yahoo Friendship Group. I and a large number of people were “invited” to a group, and the “owner” didn’t take the time to “welcome” anybody at first, so there were a lot of “why was I invited” emails and posts. I made what was deemed by some to be a “heartless remark” about the fact that nobody knew what they were there for. The owner took great offense and since I didn’t want to begin the experience as a pariah, I bowed out, again, hopefully, in a graceful manner.

  I don’t feel like a particularly bad person. I feel I’m a nice guy, and I know, as a somewhat manic depressive sort who can go into deep depression at the drop of a hat, that these “mood swings” I have in real life also transmorgify into online situations, and since I am only “reading” words on a screen, sometimes I am possibly reading “into” something that isn’t there. However, the nature of the beast is that I don’t want to “go there” to any place where I don’t feel comfortable. I’ve read some comments and posts while surfing Xanga where some other people get into exactly the kind of situations I’m describing. The bottom line is that we all have our opinions, and we should be able to voice them intelligently without having someone deride our personal existence or habits.

  I run what I have considered a pretty popular and prolific group on Yahoo called ElectricPoetry. The group gets about 500 posts a month with about 40 members. 10-12 members are “active” at any given time. Even though I’ve already “posted” most of my “real good stuff” on the group boards, and don’t actively post my own poetry (except for new ones) I still make it a point to comment (in a somewhat detailed manner) on each poem posted on the group. Usually I receive positive feedback from these comments, but last night I read an email that drove me into a depression from which I still haven’t emerged. As I read poem after poem, in sessions that sometimes last for hours, and try to make intelligent and incisive responses, sometimes I read something I don’t like. I made an offhand remark that I felt a particular poem was not “artistic”. I didn’t say it was “bad”. I don’t like the comments I’ve read on other groups where the moderator writes “nice poem” to everything, and I didn’t want to really lambast this guy’s work. I just didn’t feel ithe piece possessed any artistic merit, and I told him so. Another member of the group, whose opinion I respect, (and this is why it’s bothering me) wrote a rather long email responding to my innocuous comment, and asking whether or not poetry should be considered “artistic”. She then wrote that she didn’t feel as if she should perhaps post anything she wrote in fear that it wouldn’t be “artistic” enough. The tone of this email was somewhat snide, and really got me to thinking about whether or not I want to continue commenting, which takes up a lot of time, if I am going to be derided for doing this. Now mind you, this was only one member of a group of 40, but one is enough to upset me greatly. This same person has written me personally in the past praising comments I have made about her poetry. I was rather taken aback reading the email. I immediately apologized for offending her, and the next post I read was from someone else who seemed to agree with her. I apologized to them as well, but wondered in my post whether or not I should continue honestly assessing their work if I would be criticized for doing so.

  The guy who wrote the poem had no quibble with my comment at all, except he did say it might have been “uncalled for” in another email. I left a final post on my own group saying that I felt really depressed about this turn of events, and perhaps I would be shuttering the group (which has been online since 2000) because of this incident. Again, my first response to irritable situations is to get out of them.

  This morning there were two emails from members asking me not to close down the group. Another respected member who hadn’t posted in a while wrote an email telling me she was leaving the group. The member who started the ball rolling has not written. I’m at the point now where I don’t know whether I should “brave the storm” and just not post anything for a while, but I just invited two new members, and I’m thinking they will be thrown in the middle of a firestorm. In the past, in other situations where I have had to act as “moderator” when something is deemed offensive, I have been praised as the kind of group owner who finds the compromise that makes most people happy. To be put in a position where I seem to be the offending party bothers and upsets me greatly.

  This has been bothering me since it happened, so I thought I’d put my thoughts on the blog. I don’t want to shut down my own group. I probably misread a lot of the intent of the person who wrote the email (or I hope I have, anyway). The strange thing is that since I’m not posting my own poetry (as I do on this blog from time to time) I am only “running” the group by commenting. If I feel I can’t comment honestly, and say whether or not I think a poem has “artistic merit” then I don’t feel that the group even needs to exist. I might upset more people by “pulling the plug”.

  I’ll let the situation take care of itself. It’s really easy to hit the “delete group” button and make it all go away, but I haven’t heard from everyone yet, and most importantly, I haven’t heard from the person who criticized my comment about artistic merit. She probably didn’t mean to upset me. She is only giving her opinion, same as I gave mine. She should be entitled to voice her thoughts too.

  Like Hamlet, I sometimes feel I have been cursed with the sight to see all sides of any given situation. In my attempt to understand humanity, I am sometimes overwhelmed by humanity’s actions. As I sit here, hopefully more calm and composed, organizing my combustible thoughts, I feel as if I perhaps have misread the intent. Another example of “pariahdom” comes to mind. In one group situation, I wrote an essay about sex. It’s a pretty good essay, and I have plans at some point to rewrite it and post it here on the blog. When I posted it on this particular group, one member took umbrage, and thought I had used one phrase that she didn’t like. I felt like I should leave the group because of her response to my essay, and in retrospect, her comment was not really meant to upset me. She was just giving her opinion.

  My conclusion as always is that “sh*t happens” and the best way to maneuver through these rough seas of misdirected energy is to brave them as much as possible. Taking the time to think through any situation stops the irrational mind from acting without considering the consequences.

  Now if only I could stop feeling so badly about this. I’m finishing this post at work, and that’ll keep my mind busy for a while. Depression is only a state of mind.

  • 8:39 am
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