August 21, 2004

• The House Of Pain

  

  MORE STORIES FROM THE HOUSE of PAIN

  Certain times seem to exist in a limbo, where in thought years from now, I probably won't (or hopefully won't) remember the fine line between satisfaction with life and incredible pain which seems to creep in during these limbo times when I least expect it or am least willing to deal with it.

  
  Most times one thinks of pain as something which "strikes" mercilessly, like in a car crash, or during moments of strife, like a bad stomach ache which causes one to curl into a fetal ball of inflammation. Real pain doesn't "strike". It sneaks up on one, makes itself known without regard to time or circumstance, and then settles into a "routine", one in which the sufferer now "aches" for those rare times when the relief decides to appear,and the pain momentarily looses it's grip on one, letting the body experience just a few moments without it, and opening heaven for those few moments.

  
  I've spent the better part of the last two days on my back. This is when the pain ripples the least, when the "pinched nerve" unpinches, and relief can actually occur for more than moments. Even while attempting to type this, which I'm doing sitting in front of my computer, the pain is relentless, causing me to stop momentarily to go into the bedroom, and lie down, until the pain recedes enough that I can bear it a little more so I can sit up again.
  There's not much one can do lying down. Except sleep, and I've been doing a lot of that lately. I am taking the pain killers and the muscle relaxers. Cancerboy had a heating pad which he lent me, and this is the best thing that has happened to me in the past few days, because it permits me to plug in the pad, when I need heat for the shoulder, instead of smearing more of the deep heating sports ice on my upper back. I've almost gone through the whole container of sports ice since last Wednesday, when this nerve got pinched.

  
  Actually, I've been thinking (something else one does a lot of when lying on one's back between bouts of sleep) that I actually pinched the nerve about six to eight months ago, when I began having the back problems. Usually, lying on the ground and stretching would eventually relieve the pain, and it didn't hurt all the time like it does now, so perhaps I "aggravated it" by doing all the physical labor at work. The doctor told me not to do anything that "aggravated" the condition, so I stayed home from work on both Thursday and Friday. All the material that needed to be shipped got shipped out, and John, our inside salesman, told me not to worry when I called him on Friday morning. Poor John had a pinched nerve in his back last year. I'm still waiting for the approval forms from my HMO for the "nerve specialist" doctor, and I hope that approval comes sooner than later. I don't wish to ponder what will happen if it doesn't, and I'm still not sure what the nerve specialist will bring to the party. Hopefully some relief. I think I possibly need to see a chiropractor, but one hasn't been "ordered" yet. I received about a half a dozen X-Rays last week at the doctor's, and when the nurse called me, she assured me "everything is normal." "No, it isn't. I'm still in great pain." "Well, you have no broken bones." I guess that's good news. The bad news is I can't seem to walk six steps without hurting, and I'm noticing I'm using my left hand less(the one that's constantly "asleep")  I tell ya, I didn't even shower since Wednesday morning till this morning, when I felt a "painless window" which allowed me to step into the shower and spend a few minutes with the hot water pulsating on my back. It was actually soothing. As I say, when in "constant pain" the little lapses where the pain goes away for a bit are like heaven.

  
  I don't know what will happen next week. I have gone out for lunch the past few days, as usual, and driving the car, even with automatic tranny and power steering, is a "royal pain". I was thinking that driving was not perhaps the safest thing to do in my condition after all. What if a bolt of pain caused me to make some lethal mistake which caused a crash? I don't want to think about it so only drive to the area restaurants within a block or two radius from home. I also went to the video store yesterday to stock up on rentals. I can adjust the heating pad on one of my two lazyboy chairs, and at least be able to watch movies, and the Olympics when I sit real still.

  
  Moving is what hurts. Even moving a mouse on a computer. Going to the bathroom is more than a chore, expecially number two. I have to make sure I eat before taking my pain pills, or else it upsets my stomach.
  While pondering all this recent pain, I thought I'd write a short chronology of the pain I've suffered through the years, and I'm sure I'm not alone. Most everybody suffers from pain at one time or another. I'll try to be concise.
  

  1953: The doctors had to "reshape" my head during my birth. I was a surviving twin, and my sister was stillborn. My mother told me that my head was nearly crushed during delivery. I still have lots of bumps on my head.
  1961: In second grade, I missed a quarter of school because an ear infection dislodged my eardrum, causing me to lose balance, and become nauseous.
  1965-69: I suffered from migraine headaches every afternoon when school let out. I soaked my head a lot, and mother always told me it was just "nerves".
  1969: I broke my jaw in an auto accident. This took me out of physical education for most of high school. I was being "taught to drive" at the time by my brother's 6th grade teacher, and he bailed out of the car right before the wreck. I had just had my braces taken off and had to have another set after the accident. I cut up my sandwiches for nearly half a decade because I couldn't chew properly.
  1974-1992: My left hip deteriorated slowly, causing the ball to slip out of the socket, and blood flow to be restricted to my leg. The doctor's couldn't figure out what was wrong, other than a congenital defect.
  1993: I had my left hip replaced with a prosthesis. The orthopedic surgeon who did the work told me they usually performed this operation on elderly people, and I would probably have to have my hip replacement replaced sometime in the future.

  
  That's about it, until now. Because of my broken jaw in high school, and the amount of work I had to have on my teeth and jaw, I rarely saw a dentist until I hit 40. But at 40 years of age, I began to get physicals at least once a year.

  
  Right now, this second, as I type this sentence, I am miraculously not in pain. One of those respites I am allowed from time to time. I'm not used to this, although even by my "pain history" I have just related, it seems I have been in pain of one type or another most of my life. Being able to breathe without sharp knives being sent through my upper chest (perilously close to my heart, I might add) is a true blessing.

  
  Still, I feel like I'm having a good time of life. Nothing is horribly wrong. I feel that this, too, shall pass, and eventually, what little pain I bear will be bearable, and as long as I can still think straight, and can get things done, then I'll be all right. I don't write this for pity or for want of get well cards. I'm a normal human, and like most of us, I suffer from time to time. I'll get over it, and life will go on.

  
  All this pain makes me feel blessed compared to those who really suffer in the world.

  
  I wanted to write about something else today, but until these curtains of searing hopelessness part, I am apt to recount my daily burden, because it is what is most on my mind. It's almost the only thing on my mind.
  But when one is in pain, as I say, those brief moments of respite feel like Christmas and New Year's rolled into one, and I am happy for the painless moments. Hopefully they will increase in number, until, like all the other "limbo times" in my life, I forget the pain that existed, and concentrate on feeling good, and living my life as fully as I can.

  (Photo was taken outside the runway of Torrance Airport in May. It illustrates my condition today, beauty through barbed wire, that's life through pain. MFN) 

  (I did an internet search on "pinched nerve". I'm having less pain right now as I write, which is about an hour after I first posted this. I checked out a few links, here, and here, for instance. This phrase caught my eye. "With treatment, most people recover from pinched nerve. However, in some cases, the damage is irreversible." Irreversible pain.  This one was good, too:

  Decision Guide For Pinched Nerve
  Symptoms/Signs/Action
   
  A feeling of "pins and needles" where the pinched nerve is located or along the nerve path / Call provider's office
   
  Numbness, tingling or burning sensation at the affected area or along the nerve path / Call provider's office
   
  Muscle weakness in the area affected / Call provider's office
   
  Pain at the site of the pinched nerve, along with mild pain along the path of the nerve /  Call provider's office
   
  Loss of muscle function / Emergency: Call 911

  Good thing I still have a good grip. Haven't lost the old muscle function yet!   
  

  • 3:45 pm
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