February 3, 2013
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A Tribute to My Mother
February 2nd would have been my dear mother's birthday. She would be turning 90 years old had she lived. I write about my mood swings all the time. We called mom's bipolarity her "nervous condition". She passed away from heart and kidney failure in a nursing home at the age of 54. She'd been hooked up to a dialysis machine, in a vegetative state, for over three years. Her first stroke was in 1972. The stroke which completely paralyzed her occurred the following year. The last time I saw her was in 1974, when my siblings and I imparted to her the news of our father's passing following his 13th heart attack. I abandoned her, believing her mind was gone. I didn't even attend her eventual funeral. We know now that stroke victims are cognizant of what's happening around them, but at the time I believed she was mentally gone. If I have one regret in my life, it's that I abandoned my mother. On my yearly Mother's Day post, my readers always console me for beating myself up about this misjudgment. I was 21 years old in 1974. I wrote the following poem in 2005, after decades of not coming to terms with my actions, or should I say inactions. I was pretty much a "mama's boy" while growing up. I still have her loving handwritten "crits" on my early poetry and on the last page of my novel. (She wrote: "Don't change a thing.") Happy Birthday Mommy. And, again (and again and again.) Please forgive me.
"No Stroke of Luck"
Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
March 9, 2005 4:02 p.m. pstI
She wanted to "escape the Mexicans"
No matter that Los Angeles was part of Mexico once
No matter that most of the street signs were in Spanish
As was the name of the town
No matter that my siblings and I had made many friends
(and a lot of Mexican descent) and really didn't want to leave home
No matter
Dad deferred to Mom's rants and uneasy nervousness
Dad dialed the number of the real estate agent
Dad secured a place in Glendora, far from "the Mexicans"
And though the family felt ripped from existence in El Monte
Torn from friendships and high school shenanigans
I didn't mind too much, as I graduated that year,
And college life loomed fifty miles away the next semester.
Sis and bro took it all badly, and emotions erupted
Escalating erratic behaviors
Eviscerating complacent dreamscapes
And planting the family in unforseen circumstanceThe nightly dinners grew upsetting,
But Dad deferred to Mom's state of paranoia after all
Sis and bro became rebels
And I didn't pay too much attention to it all
When confronted with the brick walls of academe
Which collected my attention spanning the new decadeMom was growing more agitated
I'm sure Dad and my siblings noticed more than I
And I, her "little genius" and most beloved
grew farther from her, and this probably
added to her insumountable troubling episodes
But I hardly noticed
Preferring to spend time at the library
between school classes and worktime hoursI would get home late at night,
open my own door with my own key,
and slip inside my own "apartment" within our home
I would get up early and bathe,
then climb in the car for the fifty mile drive to school
before eight in the morning when class started.
I didn't see a lot of the buildup
I didn't pay attention to the wrenching dissimilarity
of Mother's actions.
The slow nervous laughter of unforseen calamity
didn't pierce through my hedonistic armor
The fast sure slipping into manic obsession
didn't register with me, but it did with my familyQuarrels seemed to grow in number and intensity
I would quarrel with my siblings,
gaining chokeholds on bro in the kitchen
I would quarrel with my Mother,
Even as her nervous calamity grew larger
as a black cloud of coincidental animosity
And the night before she was struck down
Was one of the nastiest quarrels in our householdII
That Christmas was the last of feigned happy times
opening presents which presented a modicum of laughter
and less tears than usual
But come the spring, the evil sprung up again,
Sis and bro were finally getting settled
And high school daze descended upon them in Glendora.
They were children, really, and the pleasant auras of
new friendships and undiscovered lands
occupied their misery and supplanted it entirely
Like any older brother, I would greet their new friends,
And make friends of my own, including sis's best friend
who became one of my girlfriends.The night of long knives in our household
followed a trip to the medical center the day before
I had driven Mom in for a checkup
because she "didn't feel right"
After all, she seldom "felt right" in those last days
leading to the stroke
The doctor (after an interminable wait) gave her a
clean bill of health
"nervous problems"
take two of these and call me in the morningI can't remember the subject of the quarrel
Only that there was one, pitting Mom against me
And at 19 I felt I should finally "get my say"
After all I didn't need to be in the (new) family home
I could be in a dorm at SC with my friends.
I certainly didnt' need the fifty mile drive.
I felt we shouldn't have moved anyway
Just like everybody else (except Mom)
I went to bed crying, and so did Mom,
but we didn't "make up"the stroke hit her the next morning,
and Dad didn't go into work, but took her to the hospital,
which in essence she never left for another four years.III
I found out when I got home from school in the evening
We visited Mom in her room at Kaiser Permanente
Slick floors and the ever present alcohol smell
White robes and IV tubes
the first stroke was not bilateral
Only one side of her body was rigid
Memory has clouded and I don't know if she could speak
that first night
but in time she grew stronger, and she did come home
for about a week sometime lateruntil the bilateral stroke finished her sentence
IV
Time has not been kind to a memory I forgot years ago
The particulars of bad news tend to filter fast
as sands hurtling through an hourglass with a
foot wide opening
Days fade to weeks fade to months
This was no stroke of luck,
And it ended quick her pluck,
Mom's body took it's toll, and the fee was very greatWith a bilateral, all muscles freeze
There is no speech, nor would it seem recognition
Nor did she appear as Mom to me anymore
The family put up great facades for the nightly trips
which seem to have lasted for years, but there were only two
From nightly, to weekly, for sis, bro, and me
But Dad kept the vigil, relating to unheard ears
the events of the day.
Nothing was normal, my grades began to suffer
Dad kept having more of his heart attacks
as the pressure burdened him so
Mom was relegated from hospital to nursing home
Money fled the bank accounts, both hers and Dad'sThe smell always overwhelmed me during the visits
And I can't say I looked forward to them at all
They were a hindrance in an otherwise full life at school
And with friends, discovering booze, dope, rock and roll and
sometime romance, the "other life" rarely made an appearanceTwo years of visits, and I needed a vacation
A vacation from everything.
Young people are filled with angst and ennui as a rule anyway
And my situation seemed to fill me with insufferable agony
So I left for a vacation in the Summer of 74
And Dad, who never stopped his nightly trips
Had his 13th and last heart attack when I was
somewhere north of Frisco camping out.V
Mom of course couldn't attend the funeral,
as she was hooked up to a dialysis machine
The day was overcast even though it was the middle of summer
when I, my sis, and my bro trekked to the nursing home
to tell Mother the grief stricken news
She couldn't cry, but she did
And something within me snapped shut,
I made a terrible decision that day,
One which I regret to this day,
In fact, the only regret I harbor after living
over a half century is this one.
I never visited Mom again after that
She lost not only her husband but her oldest son
I felt as if she had been gone for two years,
And for me, cutting the umbilical held finality
Her eyes looked like dark marbles
Her sweet dispostion had quietly melted
somewhere between El Monte and Glendora
She was a cipher, a cardboard facsimile
She was not my Mother
And I left that afternoon never to returnVI
I have called myself a poet,
But poetry seldom tells the truth when the truth
Cuts as deeply as this does now pondering the outcome
I am sure as salvation that I have been forgiven
By sweet Mother's soul
I am positive that I have nothing to worry about in perpetuity
That I have not become an evil being because of my youthful
naivete.
Two more years and she finally passed away, softly, and with no troubles
Her death certificate reads heart failure
Her broken heart stopped beating at last.
I didnt' attend her funeral
To me she was already deadVII
Poetry spoke to me in the years following at times
Yeilding petty purpose when confronted with the ills
of my behaviors
My suicidal urges at once escalated, and thanks to
good friends, and counseling, and prayers to Jesus
in time I was able to come to grips with the situation.In time my sis, my bro and I got back together,
but only for a little while, before the family completely
rent itself out of existence.
I gave my sister away at her wedding.
I made love to my brother's female friend
We split the furniture in the house three ways
(I had to sell the house following my Father's death when
I was made executor of Mother's estate at age 20
so Mom could gain Medicare benefits to pay
for her stay in the nursing home,
which cost almost ten grand a month if memory serves.)Of course in time everything heals, including bad memories
And I forgot Mother's face and Father's care.
I slipped deeper into an alcohol and drug fueled abandonment
which didn't straighten out until well into the next decade.The decades passed,
And here I am, still here, still writing, still upset
But no matter what ever happens
I cannot turn back the hands of time,
And I cannot apologize for my inept decisions
All I can say is I'm sorry, Mother, for escaping you
As you tried to escape those "Mexicans" in El Monte
You were my rock for many years, and when you
started to crumble, I just couldn't take it,
And I fled
I've been fleeing ever since
I know I can never go back home
because it doesn't exist
And will never exist anymoresorrow seldom soothes the savage hurt
I cry with dry eyes
and lift my voice to you in Heaven
Where absolution sighs
And let this be an altar to my ineptitude
thirty years later.
BEHIND THE POETRY: For those who've never seen this before in these pages, I just want to say this was the most difficult and painful thing I've ever written, and it's still quite painful to read. MFN/ppf
Posted: February 01, 2013 7:39 AM
Comments (207)
Mike, I know saying this isn't much, but it's about time that you forgive yourself. You can't beat yourself over something you didn't know. Besides, since you were younger, you couldn't comprehend fully that you not showing up most of the time was because you couldn't see her in that state. I know she's past every emotion that links her to this world, but you holding back is what probably prevents her from enjoying the beauty and serenity of heaven. Let it go and remember her in your prayers on this day and everyday you breath. You're in my prayers, hun.
I have, of course read this before. I think you have captured the lingering guilt all survivors face. At my age, my parents and only brother have been long gone. Toward the end of their lives, I was somewhat closer than I had been for years but I was not present when any of them died, nor at two of the three funerals. I have, of course, often thought about what I could have done for them which I did not.
Your poem is a really inciteful tribute to your mother - you should be proud of how well you have managed to capture and express your feelings. It might help you if you remember and sometimes write about the best times with all your family.
What a young age to die..not even sixty..thinking she could still be alive today..well, she has done something good..she made a poet after all..
regrets are hard to take back. you will be living with them forever. unfortunately.
Mike, I read this all the way through again, and it touched some still raw feelings i have about my own parents deaths. I have to believe, as you said in your poem, moms and dads understand, forgive, and love us as much as they ever did. I am sure that you have a lot of happy memories to savor, Love and Peace
Moms are very understanding...and I know it is hard to see a parent that sick my ex's mom was like that her last couple of weeks and we wasn't able to sit with her but I did and wow just so hard....
This was a beautiful post and I bet it made her smile
You are a good son.
This was beautiful. I can't imagine how living this, and reliving it while you wrote made you feel. Just Remember your mother loves you, and understands. Your father too. You're an incredible writer. I read this aloud to my mother, and she liked it very much. Thank you for sharing. It takes courage to open your soul to the masses like you've done here.
Hi Mike. I'm sure your mother is proud of her son.
Hunt
As painful as it was for me to read it, yes, I can only imagine how painful it was to relive it and write the words, the regret, the sorrow, the loss, the need for your Mother to hear your words. She knows. She understands.
I think we all have regrets of things said or left unsaid. And the hard part is that we have only a finite amount of time to do good, to undo the bad. Maybe those are the true hauntings.
My response is just going to be more of what has already been said. Your mother loved you. I am sure she wouldn't want you to be suffering with the pain, guilt, and loss that you have been all of these years. I hope you are able to find forgiveness for yourself for the feeling that you abandoned her. You made decisions based on the knowledge you had at the time. You loved your mother and she never forgot that.
very painful to read- you touched that honest place deep inside us where few are brave enough to go! a sad read- poetry with heart...
Michael - that was not easy to read and I'm sure it was very painful to write. I hope you're able to find a way to move on. I like what Erika Steele said in her comments.
I am especially aware about the consequence of life and death today. I went to an exhibition displaying some real specimens. The specimens on display are preserved through Plastination, the
preservation process invented by Dr. Gunther von Hagens in 1977 while he
was working as an anatomist at the University of Heidelberg in Germany. The bottom line is that the cycle of life was much in the forefront.
Michael, as usual there is so much on which to comment. The artistic rendition of your mother is beautiful. I can note a resemblance between you. One section to which I can relate and have some feelings about is re: guilt and pain in the relationship with your mother. I went through a period of anger, resentment at my birth parents, both of whom I felt had abandoned me when both of them went on to have other children and family after divorce. I definitely was angry with my father and never spoke about the situation to him. I tried to tell my mother once in a letter about how I was treated uncaringly. In return, I received a stinging letter from my step-father, castigating me for causing pain to my mother. When my mother died, I didn't go to her funeral because I didn't have money to pay for air fare at the time. At some point, I dealt with my feelings toward both of my parents. I have talked about that to others. I came to the place where I realize that both of them did the best they could in the situations that they were in and parents do make mistakes. My children certainly reminded me of mine and the effect it had on them. So, although like you, I cannot apologize in person to my parents as dad died in mid-1970; however, I have apologized spiritually to them so that I don't retain the anger I felt toward them. In a best known prayer, we ask to be forgiven "as we forgive those who trespass against us.". I have done that, and although my parents aren't here to speak, I believe they would if we'd had the chance to work it out. I certainly believe your mother would understand and forgive you. I can understand that "this was the most difficult and painful thing I've ever written, and it's still quite painful to read". I very much agree with QueenCat's and Erika_Steele 's comments, and I pray that you will forgive yourself and achieve the peace that your mother would want for you and that God wants for you. ~~Peace, Joy, and Prayers
There are no mistakes in life, only lessons. I'm a mother, so I know, mothers want their children to be happy. She understands. You did what you did under false information, not to be malicious, it's ok.
Coming from too similar of a situation myself, I felt the pain in your heart. Mother was bi-polar or manic depressive or whatever the buzz word was at the time and my father was an enabler. To make this brief, offering to talk any time you would like privately in message or email, Mom was on Christmas leave from a mental hospital for Christmas holidays. I was an only child and my mother had "driven" all her own family away. Too often I had watched her giving her best relationships that I paid dearly for the next day. It was a game she played, You love me when I am good, now will you love me when I am bad. I was 20 and had married the June before (just to get away). Somehow my father got her to come over Christmas Day, everything seemed fine. A couple of days later I went over to their house for a visit and my husband said he didn't want to spend the night with her ranting...he failed to mention that I could if I wanted to...The not unexpected question was asked...would we spend the night....Well I told you what my husband had said...so I told him I couldn't. His reply was, "I gave you your Christmas now you give me mine"...as I left I kissed him bye and said I love you. His answer still rings until this day, "No you don't". The next morning early Mom called and asked me to come over "Your dad doesn't feel well" Never mentioning that he had gone to the Doctror with chest pains the day before. He died as they were getting him on the gurney. The doctor had said there was no hurry for me to call a transfer ambulance which back then was little more than a station wagon. Not even a siren.
The next "job" was to get mother back to the hospital, police wouldn't help, ambulances it was out of range, Sherrifs, Hospital Staff, no one would help. Finally her baby brother came to help us carry her almost nude to the car. She spent 3 more months in the mental hospital which again back then were just holding cells. One Flew Over the Cocoo's Nest pretty much captured what it was. When she came out my husband and I made a place for her in our home...that was a big mistake. We finally started moving a whole cabinet of encyclopedias in front of the bedroom door fearing that in our sleep she would do us harm. When it finally came to the point we were not only paying for the house, but staying in a motel fearing for our safety, we had enough and moved her out. Several years passed, she remarried this time to a guy she had met in the hospital. She drove him out and we could never find him. But before he left she would call my sons (6-9yrs) and tell them she had stabbed there grandpa and I need to come quick, oh she was a good actress screaming and crying over the phone, terrifying my sons. I knew she had not done any such thing she just wanted me to come over and bring her booze. But "attacking" and frightening the boys was too much. I changed my phone number and got lost. Still I jumped everytime a car door slamed at one of my neighbors at night. My marriage destroyed, my husband and I divorced. I remarried to the man who is with me now 31 years later but I never let him meet my mother or tell him where she was. She moved to a nursing home and the last four years I didn't see or talk with her. I got a call one day from a great aunt telling me she was in the hospital and the doctor wanted to see me...I went. The decision was made DNR.
Now that you have heard the highlights, do you say I did right or wrong? Well that is the way I see you, we did what we had to to survive. Over the years I have spent so much time in counseling they tell me that I will never be off antidepressants, I think I have spent enough time that I should have my PHD from the wrong side of the desk, in fact now at 65 I am still in counseling every week. There are some things that you do your best and it still doesn't work. No one could make it work but you survived.
The best "advice" I could give you is to use your experience much as you have here. Seek out people that are in pain and affirm them. If you wish to make it a crusade, one of the best places is in nursing homes, not with the patients but the visitors who are trying to deal with their own guilt. What happened to your mother was not your fault and your "solution" was just a survival technique. There is no right and wrong to what we did we only did what we had to to survive. My email if you choose to use it is mommachatter@yahoo.com
hahaha Now who writes long comments?
@mommachatter - @momofjenmatt - @DonnaLou - @ElusiveWords - @Erika_Steele - @suzyQ_darnit - @WildWomanOfTheWest - @Hunt4Truth - @Endlesssubconscious - @hesacontradiction - @an_OM_aly - @QweenCat- @Baroness_Fritinanci - @locomotiv - @tychecat - @Zeal4living - @jerjonji - @SisterMae - @tychecat - Dear Friends and Readers, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful uplifting emphatic and reasoned comments. (and recommendations, etc.) I've posted this poem at least four times in the past, and as stated in the entry, I usually get the same kinds of responses. I've also written a long poem about my father's passing, "Summer's End: A Freeform Elegy" which intersects some of the events in "No Stroke of Luck". A tandem entry from 2010 featuring both can be found HERE. I recognize that Mommy forgave me. (I never stopped calling her that.) My belief system entails forgiveness for us all in the hereafter. What I continually work on is my inability to forgive myself. It's a difficult thing to do. Writing the poem itself, in 2005 helped me a lot. The day I posted this, Feb. 1st, was a day I found myself sinking into deep depression, knowing I was going to turn 60 in May, and I was born when my mother was 30 years old. I was in a pretty bad state. (No matter what anyone thinks of depression, even for a reasonable man like me, when it hits hard, there's no stopping it.) A lot of the positive comments I received throughout the day on the post helped me to maneuver my way out of that depression. Thanks again. I'll make the usual attempt at comment replies on your sites. May take a while, however. It's been so busy at work that I even came in on Sunday for six hours! MFN/ppf.
My dear friend Mike ... Last I come here after a week long being so ill. Taking a bit of time to read this while sipping my green tea, the poem devours my heart more than it did my mind. There is a lot of guilt in there facing the death of your Ma and I guess, we both had the same wonder about our loss ones, somehow. I lost my mother at a very young age and it makes me bitter - for the whole years struggling to grow up and at the same time finding myself out there, I was broken and angry. Too many things said undone and too many things said was done as well, but then when I myself grow older, there are many regrets has formed itself hard and horrorfully leaving some scars along the way. But then these events had taught me well about this life in general and I have become of what I am today because I finally learn to accept my own mistakes, my own self and my own mind - my faith keeps me closer and my courage puts my feet where I stand until today.
I miss her terribly ... and I pray for where ever our mothers might be, let them be there where there Light is. Amen! Amen ...
Your friend; Sherry
@baldmike2004 - Thank you, Mike. Just want to follow up re: depression. I can relate to that as well, althouh my depression was not due to a chemical problem. Medication was never prescribed, but no matter. Depression really is a downer and drains ones life. Sometimes it takes a lot of positive affirmations to overcome.Sometimes it takes a lot before we understand that how important forgiving ourselves is. I am thankful that the affirmations you received helped you. I hope you will continue to give yourself affirmations when you feel yourself sinking into a depression.
This is a poem from the heart, mind and soul, to your lovely mother. In these details contain all the pains and regrets you have gone through; i feel the same towards my late dad as well.
You are a poet, and the regrets do not taint the beauty of your words. Keep writing, your mother saw this gift in you, so she had penned down to you not to change a thing. You know she loves you just the way you were / are.
It is touching to read about your father's love and devotion to your mother. Thank you for sharing something so personal...
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