July 27, 2010

• My Sexual History: Chapter 14 (i)

  "My Sexual History"(Chapter 14)
  A Personal Journey through the pleasures of the flesh
  An "essay" by Michael F. Nyiri
  (begun in December 2004 and continuing)

  RATED: R or MATURE for language and sexual situations. (I've Xanga rated this entry as "discretion required")

  NOTE: I'm beginning to write again. This is the latest chapter in the longest ongoing series I've ever posted online.  Beginning in March 2005 on Xanga, I've been writing "My Sexual History" as a titillating but hopefully not purient journey through my own "pleasures of the flesh." Each Xanga "chapter" is accessible from the links below and from the  My Sexual History tag . I'd like to mention again that the image of the girl with the lollipop I use as my "header image" for this series is a model, and not one of my ex girlfriends.  MFN 07/27/10)

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  1. "Then the Boy Pees into the Girl."
  2. "The Very First Kiss"
  3. "High School Daze"
  4. "Stag Films and Frat Parties, Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll"
  5. "Whoreticulture"
  6. "Meeting Ruth, the Sexual Goddess"
  7. "Red Headed Wretchedness, and A Respite Before Falling in Love"
  8: "Cathy: The Second Love of My Life"
  9: "Opposites attract: The 38 and the 18 year old."
  10:"Melanie and the End of the Me Decade"
  11:"Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder"
  12. "Sex as Bait for the Catch" 
  13. "Mething Around with Autoerotecism"

  14. Lovesearching and Losing in Cyberspace (i)

  As a child of the 60s, I was first frightened by, and then enraptured by the prospect of sex. But even during my later enrapturement, I always coupled sex with romantic love in my psyche. I began to write poetry at the age of 14, and believed that without love and respect for another the act of sex was almost unneccesary. I became the perfect celibate Christian, and I "saved" myself until, overwhelmed and overcome by the raging tenor of the times, plus the raging hormones contained in the pulsing young manhood between my legs, I finally gave in to my more baser desires, and at the age of 21 lost my virginity to a hooker in Hollywood.

  Reaching young adulthood in the 70s, I rammed my inexperience into the sexual revolution head on, and enjoyed myself thoroughly. It would be "hard" to find a fault with my sexual adventures, and while I will freely admit I made many mistakes, for the most part, I have only the fondest of memories for the mammaries I've fondled and the carnal passages of delight I've entered. I have only one regret, and it's a pretty large one. The prospect of true coupleship and a solid relationship based on love always eluded me . Throughout the 70s and 80s, I experimented with almost as many aspects of sexuality as existed. I never had a problem relating to sex, and while I might go for long periods without, I never felt as if I were deprived. Most of the time I felt blessed. Sex was always disassociated from love for me, however. And that was the rub.

  In the 90s I met and began a relationship with Pat, who became my only live in lover, and with whom I had the stormiest and most hellacious relationship. I became quite surprised when, finally ensnared in her trap, the sex she used at bait occurred with less and less frequency until it disappeared altogether. After our breakup, I announced that I was going to cool off for a while, and instead of looking for love, I became a speed freak and entered a few years courting autoerotecism until I finally began to question my sanity concerning my "speedy weekends."

  Living with my roommate Joel in a large rented house, I loosed the feelings of freedom I'd been experiencing after severing all ties with Pat by spending vast amounts of money I didn't have using credit cards I seemed to collect with abandon. In the first part of the 90s, I almost found myself saddled with a "ready made family" and by the end of the second part, I was giddy with the elation of escape.

  Toys cluttered my life. The bigscreen television, sports cars, Betty Boop collectibles, DVDs and CDs were soon joined with the high tech must-have electronic device of the later part of the last century. Now so ubiquitous in society that it is merely a background to our lives, the personal computer had been on my wish list since the mid 80s, but the advancements in the technology were happening too rapidly. I'd spent a lot of money on my home theater system. My first computer was purchased in 1997. I was online by 1998. New vistas shone brightly on the cyber horizon.

  I'd been alone for too long. A portal into the desirable dreams of a possible relationship awaited on the world wide web. It was time to perform the Internet Loveseach. I would find my soulmate in cyberspace. Finally. At the age of 45.

  Computers were quite expensive and woefully primitive back in 1997. My internet connection was dial up. The audio visual wonderland that we take for granted on the internet hadn't yet arrived when I made my first nascent internet connections. It took a long time to figure out how to share photos. I was a middle aged man learning the baby steps needed to walk around in cyberspace. I was not alone. There was a whole generation of baby boomers who were either divorced or seemingly perpetually single, all afraid of growing older, flocking in droves to the faceless world of the wide web. Within days of my first dial up, I was sending emails to foreign countries. I had posted half a dozen "personal ads" on a few of the myriad dating services. Living in Los Angeles, one of the biggest cities in the U.S., I figured I'd be dating someone within weeks, and possibly getting married to my soulmate within a year or so. Although my personal ads generated dozens of responses, everyone interested in me seemed to live 3000 miles away. (or more) I was undaunted. Joel wouldn't even see me in the evenings. I'd hole up in the spare bedroom, which I christened "the computer room", meticulously designing my "webpresence". On the 4th of July, I telephoned "Gal45", an outgoing spitfire online (and overweight divorcee in real life) and engaged in my first act of "cybersex."

  Actually, it was good old fashioned analog "phone sex", but since I 'met' Gal45 in an online "chat room" and our chats and emails precluded our connection by telephone, it was all mixed up for me. We had a whirlwind relationship which ended abruptly after a few weeks when she sent me some photos through the "snail mail", and I found out looking at her that I had no attraction to her whatsoever. I learned the best lesson pretty early concerning romantic webconnections.

  Don't trust most of them.

  I turned 46 on May 1st of 1999. The media was full of announcements concerning "The New Millennium." I wrote the first poem I'd written in two years on that day, entitled "bornagain." I felt an overwhelming sense of rebirth and rejunvenation as I approached my second half century of life. I coded the first page of my personal website, where one of the sections was titled "The Lovesearch." Earnestly, I proclaimed my availability, with links to my various personal ads. Here, all in one "place" was contained the depository of both my romantic and sexual dreams, backed with a cloudscape image covered in graphical hearts with wings. I was pretty positive I would start "the New Millennium" with a life partner, and any sexual shenanigans involved would be icing on the cake celebrating my second half century of life.

  Dreams are wonderful things, but sooner or later one has to wake up. I wouldn't wake up from my dream of finding whom I called 'the other half to my whole' until after I had spent nearly two years of my time and thousands more dollars I didn't have, except represented by small rectangles of plastic. On my PC were stored numerous file folders containing the photos of my potential partners. On the "Lovesearch" page of my website were stored numerous hand picked romantic poems from my archives, and declarations of my intent to find the perfect woman. I treated each connection as if it could be the one which ultimately mattered. My heart was open to possibility and I began writing more prolifically than I had for many years. My personal website also contained sections dedicated to my art and photography, unfinished novels and short stories, and over 35 years of verse, which I transcribed to the computer poem by poem from the typed or handwritten sheets in my notebooks, and posted online in chronological order.

  The online world provided a large opportunity for my creative side, and soon I was joining writer's groups and promoting my website. Each evening after I got home from work there was an adventure in my email inbox just wating to unfold. I began emailing women who were physically located around the world, from other states, England, Canada, and beyond. I corresponded somewhat seriously with a twentysomething who worked in the office of a diamond mine in Tanzania. I got to know quite a few people, and crossed a great many more off my list of potential "candidates." I didn't actively troll around the internet looking for love. I announced my own intentions and waited for the response. Realizations hit me somewhat like a ball peen hammer to the side of the head that there are a lot of women in other countries whose dream is to escape their lives and hook up with a guy who can bring them to the United States.

  Although I began the "Lovesearch" in the summer of 1997 when I got online, it wasn't until May of 1999 with the creation of my website and "online webpresence" that things started to heat up. For most of 1998 my computer sat unused and I followed other pursuits after experiencing my earliest disappointments with internet personal ads. For some reason nobody who lived anywhere remotely near me seemed to want to connect! Soon after my concerted effort in 1999 began, I received an emailed response to one of my ads from Maria in Nantucket. 3000 miles away. At least she was in the U.S., albeit on an island off the coast of Massachusetts. We began a heated online correspondence. Maria was in her early 30s and separated from her husband. She had two kids. She only sent me one photo of her, and she was very cute. The photo was only a head shot however, so I didn't know what the rest of her looked like. I could see myself falling in love with her. We exchanged phone numbers and soon began to speak to each other by phone at least once a week. I didn't have a cell phone so the long distance charges could get pretty expensive. This didn't bother me.

  Maria and I connected online in June. Three months later I booked passage on an airline to Nantucket for a two week vacation. We discussed not only future plans, but we thrilled each other with ribald sex talk. An important page was about to turn in my book of love, but I wasn't quite expecting to read what was on the other side.

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  NOTE: I'm breaking this chapter into two because I know how most of my entries are perceived as "too long". I was delighted and surprised at the response from my last entry, and picked up a few more "friends and subscribers" who will hopefully see and read my "real content" like "My Sexual History." I've been writing this "online novel" or "memoir" for so long I doubt there is anyone on Xanga (besides me of course) who's read the whole thing. MFN/ppf

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