October 13, 2009

• Lovesearch: The Nantucket Diary 2

  

  

  Previous Chapter immediately below.

  MON SEPT 20 1999 9:10 AM (continued)

  I can't help it that I'm a romantic fool, watching the world pass me by. But I am having a great time, this little glitch with Maria notwithstanding.
  I thought I got along well with her children, although her daughter seemed to dislike the proposition of her mother spending time with another guy (me). Her son seemed very well able to roll with the punches as it were. I get the feeling, at seven, that his life is a series of changes in scenery, and I was just another change. I heard him ask Maria, "where will I sleep tomorrow night?" That choked me up. The poor boy needs a home, dammit.
  I guess I don't blame Maria, if, for some reason, she hasn't written me off. I tried to impress upon her that I was a gentleman. I won't chase after her. I think maybe she probably shouldn't have answered my ad in the first place.
  I want my other half. I had tricked myself in believing that Maria fit this requirement, but I don't think it is true.

  
  (She never met the requirement)

  
  This morning, I shot some beautiful sunrise shots of the Brandt Point lighthouse, and got some "magic time" shots on the pier, or wharf, as they call it here. Since I know Maria and her husband have a "home" on the wharf, such as it is, I didn't want to hang around and force any sort of confrontation, so moved up to the center of Main Street to do a 360degree pan of the town with my tripod.
  As I was "breaking down", I saw Maria's son and daughter walking down the street to catch the schoolbus. I know they saw me. I acted like I didn't see them, to see if there would be an acknowlegement of my presence.
  There wasn't.
  It is now 10 am, and there have been no calls (I called Maria at 10am the first day, and I believe in precedents.) At this point I believe she has gotten back with her husband. I believe she doesn't want to contact me.
  Since I believe so strongly in fate, I even called her job because she answered the phone the first two times I called last week.
  She didn't answer. Does this mean she quit? Was she fired? Will she ever call me? Just to let me know what to think?
  I don't know.
  Diary,  I was smitten with a soul on the island of Nantucket. I travelled 3000 miles to be with her. At one point, I had her by my side, with her progeny close by.
  Then she disappeared.
  Her children fail to recognize me.
  She doesn't call.

  I am not mad. I don't know if I'm relieved. I do know I care for her, and for her welfare. Maria is a beautiful soul, stuck in a life and a body which are not so beautiful.
  I hope she finds her escape, or her doorway back into her relationship.
  I am so open that I would and will welcome her into my life, even with my doubts.
  Life is continually surprising me. It's another beautiful day on my vacation in Nantucket. What else can I say, right now?

  
  (Yes, I am very relieved. I was telling people after I got back that I felt as if I had escaped death.)

  MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20th  4pm

  Dear Diary,
  Folger, Macy,Johnson,Stienbeck,Benchley,Onassis,Gates. These are a few of the names. People who settled here or who built elaborate 8 & 9 million dollar "cottages" for summer use. Or who dock their ridiculously expensive yachts in the harbor.
  On a guided tour yesterday, I learned that in addition to the history with which the town is steeped, this  of course is a vacation paradise for the very rich. No wonder Maria complained about the snooty nosed summer islanders so much when we first started corresponding. If ever I make a killing on the internet, I'll make sure I buy on of these ostentatious "cottages."
  The video I have taken so far takes up over three hours, so tomorrow, if it rains, as has been the talk, I'll catalog the shots I want, and outline the "Nantucket Holiday" Mikevideo.
  Looks like Maria is a dead issue. I am positive the glimpse of her on the boat the other day was her. I am sure I saw her and her husband today, in what looked like a midafternoon time together. She sat on the pier, and he was on the boat. It has a blue hull, no sail nor mast, and he has a red beard. I think his answer to her problems was to give me the cold shoulder and give in to him.
  Hopefully, they are back together. I told her that was best for the kids, anyway. If this is the case, I sure hope she calls to tell me so at least. I think I deserve at least that much respect, don't ya think?

  (I made an edit saying that I fully concured that Maria is a dead issue. Over the years, we have reconnected sporadically over the internet, and I wish her well in her endeavors and love life, as she does for me.)

  
  Am I jealous? You betcha!
  Will I pursue her? Probably not. I did call her job and was told she "doesn't work there anymore." Since she looked so "at home" on the boat today, I can only assume she and her husband have an understanding.Sure wish I could hear some sort of explanation from her, though I've been snubbed in the past. I can take it. Maybe this isn't the scenario. Maybe she wants to call, and can't. (That sounds pretty stupid, however.)
  This being Monday, maybe the first Ally McBeal of the season is on, although I think I have to wait till 10pm to see. I've got some beer on ice, and will check out the TV as soon as I finish writing and read some more of Carl Hiasson's Lucky You. I'm convinced he writes the perfect vacation novels. I even plan to read Striptease sometime in the future.
  Without Maria, and I'm positive that's what it's going to be, I'll spend the remainder of the week reading and editing my footage. Work is a dim memory. I tried calling this morning at a time when Jinny is the only one in, and no one answered. I hope she's alright. I'll call tomorrow.

  Maria.
  The call the wind Maria.
  Although it's pronounced differently.
  She was like a wind.
  Sweeping into my life.
  Then blowing away
  Without a word.
  A bit absurd.
  I hope she's happy.

  TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 21 1999     4:45PM

  Note to myself. If I am ever so full of myself that I give the brushoff to anyone, just give me the good grace to let them know.
  There is nothing worse than someone just "disappearing".
  One cannot fathom the reasons, the rights, or the wrongs. Especially if one knows the other resides a scant three or four blocks away.
  The second note to myself.
  Don't follow your heart.
  "Caught in the World Wide Web". Book title.

  
  (When I wrote the original addendum, I was in fact following my heart again with Regina, another webromance connection which didn't work out.  So I wrote "I seem not to be following my own advice. Just don't follow it 3000 miles without an emotional cushion. I think I am formulating my cushion, and I am ready for love again." I'm always ready for love. I don't think I'll ever fly around the country looking for it again, however.)

  
  FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 25, 1999  7:00 A.M.

  I saw Maria on Wednesday morning.
  After walking down to the wharf with my morning coffee, I saw her depart the boat she lives on with her husband and mate. At first I hesitated, then walked down the pier.
  "So it's the girl who never called," I mused. "That would be me." she said.
  "Why?" I questioned.
  She said, "I didn't know what to say."

  (When Maria said that she didn't know what to say, I replied, "How about goodbye.")

  
  Believe me, I don't think I know what love is after all, even after years of writing poetry. I thought I was "over her", but we did have a short walk and talk, and I couldn't stop my tears. My eyes hurt terribly fot the rest of the day.
  She did "get back" with her husband, so I wasted the reasons for this trip. I did tell her that I wished she would never have answered my ad. I feel she still doesn't know exactly what to do with her life, but I'm glad she chose her husband. They were, and should be, together, for her children's sake. I certainly couldn't offer her what I offered her, a home for her and her children, right now. I'm not that ready for another "instant family". I could tell that just by having her kids stay over on Hurricane night.
  The truth is, I know she isn't "in love" with me. She never acted that way. I gave her plenty of chances.
  I feel terribly that I didn't make love to her, but in light of her situation, I'm glad I did not.
  I told her that I invested all of my energies on her since we began corresponding, and althou my "lovesearch" and ads are still on the internet, and I've dated one gal I met on the net,  and pledged eternal friendship to another, I didn't "cheat" on Maria.
  I felt sad on Wednesday, but have not cried since, and I seem to have settled down.
  Nantucket is an island for lovers, and my dream, while not turning into a nightmare, just didn't happen.
  I edited video yesterday, and think I will have a pretty good video document.
  I'm glad I din't make mention of Maria. I won't include the two shots of her.
  I told her I would "take down" the website I dedicated to her, but I think, rather, that I will use it to post my afterthought poetry to her.

  (The "video document" turned into my best work up till that time. (I've created three online video "webisodes" from the footage, and while I completed the VHS version in 1999, I have yet to complete the online video series, which is pretty good, if I do say so myself.) I had a great vacation, after all, even with the storms of love fading on the horizon. It is interesting, in retrospect to even think that I felt I would write poetry about her again. I never used her as the subject for poetic inspiration at all.)

  
  This has been the first time (and the last, I swear) that I will have gone 3000 miles on an impulse. (although backed up by countless e-mails.)
  Maria said she was sorry I spent so much time and money. I said that was nothing. I'm sorry I invested my heart.
  Needless to say, at forty-six, I still haven't had my share of unrequited love affairs.
  I haven't written the "Last Love Song" yet.

  Michael F. Nyiri
  Nantucket Diary.

  ---

  Editor's Note: Maria and I keep in contact with each other. She has an on again off again relationship with her husband, and she even blogged on Xanga for a while. I often say I don't burn too many bridges, and she has turned into a longtime correspondent and a good friend. She actually read this diary long ago, and understands why I felt the way I did after our "stormy" meeting. It's hard to believe this all happened a decade ago. The other recipient of the lovesearch in 2000, Regina, and I had a three month relationship that didn't work out either, but that, as they say, is another story.  MFN 6/16/05/updated 10/12/09)

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