June 8, 2007

• ElectricPoetry Post: Pat Poems and Depression

  

  “Losing A Beat”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri 
  March 20, 1992 2:45 p.m.

  
  My heart is sinking
  And I can’t be thinking
  Of the cold and dark
  A devil’s handy toy

  
  She wrenched my emotion
  And I haven’t a notion
  The wherefore’s and why’s
  A total lack of joy.

  
  Oh can the heartrend be painful
  Again
  Oh I just didn’t know

  
  Tears on the cusp at the ready
  Again
  But a coldness like steel does she show

  
  Lord, I’m praying
  And I’m always saying
  I do not know
  And there’s always something wrong

  
  I need emotion
  And I haven’t a notion
  She has good reason
  But reason’s timepiece lasts too long.

  
  “Thinking of You Right Now”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  April 9, 1992 9:47 a.m.

  
  Sometimes we can’t connect correctly
  Yet oftentimes I feel a part of you
  When you honestly smile at me
  My heart melts like butter
  And the brick wall of selfishness
  falls into dust.

  Sometimes you want to be alone
  And I will learn this
  Through trial and error
  Because nothing is easy
  And God never told me it would be

  But when we’re locked together
  In emotion’s sweet embrace
  The smell and feel and look of you
  Causes me to wonder
  How I ever lived without you
  And all my fears and doubts erase

  Love is only a word after all
  And it disappeared from my life
  It’s not an easy emotion to control
  So I stopped trying.

  I’m certainly not perfect’
  Especially to another
  When, through years alone,
  I’ve allowed my imperfections to magnify
  I’ve never had to share myself
  It’s a new feeling
  But feelings do
  Run deep.

  And I want to share myself
  With you.

  That you accept me as you do
  Is all that I need
  To make me happy
  Right now.

  
  “Wednesdays & the Deep End”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  April 9, 1992 10:00 a.m.

   

  I hope I didn’t fall off the deep end
  last night
  I know I try too hard sometimes
  and I just can’t get it right
  Just let me stop short of the
  deep end tonight.

  Emotions aren’t controlled by
  common sense
  I know I try to rope them in
  but I just have no defense
  So just let me get them back
  inside the fence.

  I scared you when I fell off
  the deep end.
  You know I scare myself sometimes
  Cause I never know where it ends
  But what strengthens me’s the
  compassion that you lend.

  When you touch me I feel like
  a man has no right to feel
  And I never want to separate
  or maintain an even keel
  And you grab my heart
  And it’s there for you to steal

  I’ve never known anyone quite
  like you
  And although I fall off of the deep end
  and I feel so goddamned blue
  I swear I’ll never fall over the
  deep end cause of you.

  I hope you feel good as I do
  about last night
  Please open wide your doubts about
  me, I know I’m going
  To get it right
  And there will never be a deep end
  in sight.

  
  “So Alone”
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  July 22st, 1992 3:54 a.m.

  
  I feel so alone when I’m with you
  I feel so uncomfortable, unhappy
  It was beautiful for a shining moment
  But I don’t know what happened’
  You won’t talk to me
  And it tears me apart

  I need you
  I need your touch
  I need your compassion again

  Or I need to know it’s over

  My love did nothing wrong
  But I feel as if I failed

  I’ll give you myself
  Warts and all
  I’ll ask any question

  But you’ll turn away
  I wish I could touch you like a lover

  Don’t be mean
  Don’t be cruel

  I feel so alone when I’m with you.

   

  “?Success Fails and Failure Succeeds?”
  poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  March 1st, 2004 4:39 p.m. pst

  
  Failure is a funny word, foolhardy, lost, and lonely
  A witness to a thought unheard, success’s ironic opposite
  sometimes the purpose develops a haze,
  Quite misty and moist, mostly forgotten
  And even while butterflies float on the breeze
  Shoddy soiled thoughts are permanently rotten

  Deep Feelings are sensitive liars, gone, and away
  Can’t listen to rapturous choirs, a wellspring of regret
  Sometimes the reasons are fleeting, evasive
  Just out of reach, really recoiling
  And unintended intentions get really invasive
  Cause you to twitch, anger bubbling, spitting, boiling

  Don’t get upset
  Don’t fill with regret
  Don’t listen to the others when they lie
  There is no failure save the failure in your eye
  And lest you feel now failure when you die.

  We can’t have success without the failure
  But stress and duress, counter positive encouragement
  sometimes nothing matters, but then again it does
  Arrangements might make sense in time
  But you want to scream again
  And what use does it do
  To you
  ?

  Exercise restraint when remembering
  Uncover vast irrepairable damages in yourself and others
  Listen to silence, as she speaks such soft, sure words
  And don’t let the barbs turn into bothers
  What use is useless erratic emotion
  As it batters your brain into submission
  Let the demons gather in the dust at your feet
  AS success rails pure evil into remission

  Yes, failure is a funny word, past fulfilling exhuberance
  A witness to life’s bravest nightmares heard, but never listened
  Sometimes the hinges of life’s door are removed
  And all matter of failures enter and entertain
  Successes have to stave off the folly, failure
  And the sun always comes out after the rain

  Failure succeeds
  Success fails
  Failure fails
  Success succeeds

   

  Still More Questioning Depressions
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  6/8/07 6:30 a.m pdt

  
  Upbeat is almost in sight round the bend
  Happiness just out of reach
  Living quite long yet why can’t I learn
  The lessons that life has to teach

  Elation and joy on the menu for sure
  But the restaurant ran out long ago
  A depressive disease, no one has the cure
  Deep sadness runs where robust blood should flow

  As soon as the answers arrive they fade out
  As soon as I think I am sane, I’m without
  I still can’t relate to the laughter and smiles
  when nervous bothersome feelings arrive all the while

  I will state quite correctly
  that sun follows dark
  and that no one should feel as I do
  I will preach life’s devotion to
  any and all
  and ignore signs of low facing blue

  Bright imagination flutters away
  Gladness not quite within grasp
  My thoughts are not positive in the least
  And I wait but depression longer lasts

  I turn to the page as I have for long years
  But the words ache,  pass difficult, slow
  And the nagging lost feelings of care disappear
  A dark hollow wind seems to blow

  Happiness is just out of reach
  Upbeat unseemly to share
  Did I learn those lessons that life had to teach?
  Or is my cold soul ripped and laid bare?

  ---

  BEHIND THE POETRY: The first four pieces were written in 1992 and are part of the selection of “Pat Poems” written when I was in a rather strange relationship with Pat, who was my only “live in girlfriend”. We spent three years together, most of which I felt in some kind of limbo. I’ve been having fits of depression this last week, which have been evident most often at work. I found myself taking the blame yesterday for situations completely out of my control, and I couldn’t shake the depressive feelings last night. The fifth poem “Success Fails and Failure Succeeds” is from 2004, written while in the depths of another depression. And the last poem is current. I just now penned it before posting this entry. I can’t even concentrate on poetry right now. At least it’s Friday, and hopefully the “happiness” that’s just around the bend and out of reach for me all week, will stay still long enough without the pressure of the workplace so that I may experience some joy this weekend at least, prior to going back into the hellhole on Monday. MFN

  • 10:05 am
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