March 1, 2007
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My Operations: My Colonoscopy
Most heterosexual males would probably agree with me that one of the biggest fears faced by man is having something rammed up his butt. The area "back there" is off limits, a personal area, one we cannot see (and usually don't wish to), one we do not want to think about, and one which sometimes causes nothing but a big pain in the a**.
We aren't afraid of much, but the fear of anal invasion ranks right at the top. We wince at the thought of the anal probes of innumerable alien spaceships. We are always careful not to drop the soap in prison washrooms. The buttocks is the "other" opening to our manly bodies, and we like it as an exit door, and not the other way around.
Upon reaching a half century or life, our doctors, armed with medical literature illustrated with smiling seniors in idyllic surroundings (the same kind of images shown on billboards for funeral homes) begin to talk to us about a small invasive procedure, called a colonoscopy, which involves taking photographs and video of the insides of our intestines, in order to insure we haven't developed any cancerous growths or otherwise unwanted obstacles which don't belong inside us and might need to be removed. We listen curtly, shuffling our feet and unknowingly closing our sphincter tight, while the devilish grin of the physician lingers and he prescribes the "small invasive procedure".
Once upon a time about three years ago, my roommate Cancerboy was simply Joel, a seemingly healthy man of 48, who was having a bit of a problem with constipation. He visited his doctor, explained the problem, and was prescribed a colonoscopy. Since the procedure is accomplished while the patient is knocked out somewhat with anaesthesia, he needs a designated driver to pilot him back home. I'm the roommate, so the job of pilot went to me.
I dropped Joel off in the waiting room of the "Small Invasive Procedure" ward, and asked how long I had before I needed to pick him up. "Oh, about two hours" came the reply. Just enough time to get a newspaper, and catch a nice lunch (something Joel hadn't had for over 24 hours previous because one has to fast when experiencing this procedure). When I returned, the operation had already been terminated, and Joel was groggily waiting in the post op room for his ride to whisk him away. Since Joel had the rest of the day off, I asked him on the ride home if he wanted to stop at a liquor store for beer. He just wanted a pack of cigarettes. He seemed completely lucid to me as he talked about what had just happened as best he could. He didn't really remember the actual procedure, but the doctor who performed it had a consultation with him after it was over. He really wasn't free of the drugs yet, and he didn't really understand that the doctor was telling him they found a large growth in his large intestine. This growth was cancerous and had been growing for almost ten years. When Joel mentioned the word 'chemotherapy' to me, I told him. "Joel, there's only one thing for which a doctor would prescribe chemotherapy, and that's cancer." Poor Joel had been told he was now "Cancerboy" and he was too stoned to realize it. Later that day, when the anaesthesia had worn off, he realized it. In quick succession, he had to have the growth removed, which meant a weeklong stay in the hospital, and he began the first of what has now become three chemotherapies, in order to battle back the cancer.
I turned 50 while Joel was undergoing his first round of chemotherapy. I asked my doctor during one of my regular checkups if I needed a colonoscopy, and he told me I didn't need one yet. He's my doctor, so I listened to him, although most of the people I know who are past 50 told me their doctors immediately prescribed a colonoscopy when they turned 50. Mind you, I was in no hurry. I had other problems, and what I don't know won't hurt me....yet.
Dr, Mackenzie was a smart doctor and a nice guy. The next time I went to see him he wasn't available. A year and a half later he died of complications caused by cancer. I don't know if it was colon cancer or not. My latest doctor, Dr. Huoang, was only an intern when I first met him, and after looking through my foot thick medical history, he remembered me, or at least remembered his signature on whatever medical report on which he was involved. He's treated me for the past two years. This year, since I turn 54 in May, nearly a half a decade after I'm supposed to have the small invasive procedure in the first place, I asked him bluntly if I should be given a colonoscopy. He didn't waste any time in prescribing the procedure, which was scheduled for early February.
This time, Cancerboy would serve as my designated driver. He has his chemotherapies on Wednesdays, and I scheduled the colonoscopy for a Wednesday. Then Joel remembered that he only had his chemotherapies every other Wednesday. We finally were able to agree on a compatible day, and that day was the last day of February, 2007, at 7:30 in the morning.
The colonoscopy itself is not frightening, even if you do "feel" it, which I didn't. What is scary is what the doctors have you do in "preparation" for the procedure. I received in the mail a sheet of "preparatory instructions". Basically, since a small camera is to be inserted through the anus up into the large intestine in order to look around, you need to be as clean inside as is humanly possible, so the "preparations" in order to clean you out involve taking large amounts of laxatives. I couldn't eat solid food from midnight on the day before the procedure. I couldn't drink alcoholic beverages. At noon the day before the procedure, I began taking the "Fleet's phospho-soda" which is a saline solution mixed with water. One tablespoon in six-eight ounces of water every 15 minutes until one little bottle is used up, and then at 6pm, I had to repeat the procedure. I thought originally I would spend the day before the actual colonoscopy at work, but my more experienced roommate told me it would be far better to take the day off, since as soon as I began the preparations, I would probably spend a lot of time in the bathroom.
He wasn't kidding.
I took off work at noon on Tuesday, and all my workmates wished me well. I drove home and opened the front door in time to hear the phone ring, right about 5 minutes after noon. It was a nurse at the medical center. She wanted to confirm my appointment for 7:00am the next morning. "Are you taking your preparation?" she asked. "That's why I'm at home", I replied. As soon as I hung up, I went into the bathroom and prepared my first phospho soda solution. It tastes a lot like salt water, which is basically what it is, and while Cancerboay swears he hated the taste, it didn't bother me so much. After imbibing, I went to my computer for what seemed like scant minutes, and then I had to imbibe some more of the liquid. I didn't even get to the third drink before I had to go, and go pretty bad. After finishing my toilette, I downed the third drink, finishing the first bottle. I wouldn't wish what happened for the next few hours on a dog.
Frequently, I have found myself suffering from diarrhea. I sometimes don't go into work in the mornings because there is only one toilet for the men at work, and no urinal, so if I needed to go and someone was in the restroom, I would be "sh*t out of luck". After three or four "episodes" my rear can hurt pretty bad. After two hours of nearly 10-15 minute on the clock intervals of sitting on the can following the "preparation", I was hurting pretty bad. One wonders just how much "sh*t" one's body contains. As soon as I thought it might be over, I had to begin the preparation all over again at 6pm. Joel had a good time laughing at my pain when he came home from work that evening.
He's had to go through this three times. "Welcome to my world" he slyly winked.
I had to take four ducolyls (sp) a solid laxative, before going to bed. I didn't get much sleep. However, I flushed myself out pretty clean, and by the morning, I didn't have to go to the bathroom at all. I tired, for good measure, but absolutely nothing came out. Finally.
Cancerboy drove me to the clinic, and we walked back to the "ambulatory surgery" waiting room, which is where I had my cataract surgery last year. Even though it was not yet 7am when we arrived, and I had to ring a bell on the counter to receive service, there was already another patient in the waiting room. The counter nurse appeared, asked me if I had taken my "preparations", and had Joel sign a paper designating him the driver. They don't want to take chances. Joel asked when I would be finished, in a reverse deja vu moment from when I drove him in for his first colonoscopy, and the nurse replied that I would be finished by 8:30am. "Good", I said. "He has to go in for his chemotherapy later this afternoon."
Joel left for breakfast, and I began to feel quite hungry. I half heartedly read some periodicals from last October in the waiting room, and then my name was called. The attending nurse shoved a large plastic bag in my hand, and asked if I needed to go to the bathroom. (I tried again, but I was "flushed" already) I removed my pants, shoes, and socks, and lay down on a hospital bed. She attached the IV for the drugs to my right hand and one of those blood pressure devices over my left arm. In short order, I was introduced to the anaesthesiologist and the doctor.
"Will I be able to watch this?" I asked.
The doctor said the drugs work differently on different people, and maybe I would be lucid enough to watch, but I might pass out. I was able to see the television screen where the "movie" of the camera's "small invasive" trip would be shown, and the nurse directed me to turn over on my left side. This is the side with my hip replacement, and my leg hurts incredibly when I attempt to sleep on this side. I tried to tell this to the nurse, and positioned my left leg as straight as I could. My butt was bare in the breeze, and the next thing I know I'm flat on my back and my hospital bed is being wheeled into the post op room. I didn't know I had missed nearly a half hour of time, while the procedure was occurring, and I thought I was being taken into the operating room, not the post op room.
I was a bit woozy, but didn't feel drugged. In about five or ten minutes time, I finally noticed a clock on the wall, and it was almost 9am. I called out. "When are they going to start?" A nurse appeared at my bedside. "You're already finished. This is the post op area." I looked around. I was the only one in the room, lying on one of about 12 beds, all the others empty.
"Are you sure?" I questioned. I didn't feel bad at all. The area around my bottom didn't hurt any more than usual. I was told to dress, and although I nearly fell off the bed when reaching down to tie my shoes, all in all I felt no worse for wear than usual. As soon as I finished dressing, I walked out to the waiting room, where I met Cancerboy, and another nurse.
The slightly small invasive procedure had turned up two small polyps, which had been removed, and were on their way to pathology, where a biopsy will be performed. I am to call in two weeks time to hear whether or not I really have anything to worry about. I wonder if the polyps would have been smaller three years ago when I thought I should have had this procedure originally.
Cancerboy drove me home. This trip is the first time in almost a year I'd ridden in his new Honda Accord, and it's a nice ride. Lethargic procrastinator that he is, he has never even played a CD on his six disc changer. "I listen to the radio" he told me. As soon as I got home, Joel had to turn around and go in for his chemotherapy, and I put on a DVD to watch, but fell asleep, and napped for most of the day. Then I went out to dinner and had a nice meal with a large Chinese Chicken Salad and some pasta, and this morning everything is back to normal.
My boss at work tells me most people have a couple of polyps in their intestines, so I probably don't have anything to worry about concerning the biopsy, the results of which I'll find out in two weeks.
My advice. If you're past 50, by all means ask your doctor to schedule one of these small invasive procedures. It's like changing the oil on your car every 3000 miles. A bit of a pain in the a**, but if the results show that something preventative has to be done, the earlier this happens the better. I know there is no big ball of cancer in me at least.
I forgot to ask for any 8x10 glossies of the procedure.
Comments (161)
Well I'm proud of you for doing this...it's a shame that more peopel don't. I actually had to have one done myself. It was exactly as you described and it wasn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Interesting enough (going back to your first few lines) although heterosexual men have issues with being probed by the back door...i guess God or the creator has a sense of humour by putting the G spot there
...
Mike, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your entry...or is it your exit...Oh I am now totally confused. In any cae I am still on my way to 50 so I hope I remember to change the oil when I finally get there
Thanks for the wild ass ride of Bald mike, but even though I am of the same age as you, I think I'll decline and remain a virgin till I die(yes I did a funeral post this week).
Yes I will proclaim the virtue of consuming lots of fiber in my life, maybe donate my body to science(maybe get a discount on death?) and be stubbornly clinging to superstitions even though at times I am very scientific.
Would I be very defensive to say you probably didn't need to go thru this procedure, this violation? However if you have a less than virtuous lifestyle may we also recommend an even worst procedure? The prostrate examination? Ha Ha is growing old fun????
What an interesting story. I feel for ya. But BAM, that last line was awesome. I hate pieces of short personal nonfiction that end with some contrived quip to bring the piece around. This isn't one of those, because it's not contrived at all.
Or if it is, it works for you. Love the "Skating Away" in the background. *hugs*
Hi Michael,
Things here at Portugal are a bit different...
The colonoscopy is not a routine procedure, so, my uncle, a perfectly healthy man of 77 years old (who seems much younger, as everyone in my family) after starting with some pains and a serious anemia 6 month ago, had to make some exams at the hospital.
After several days there and as doctors found nothing, they sent him back home with some pills etc. for the anemia.
As he wasn't better, he went back to the hospital and made a colonoscopy. Two weeks later he phoned to the hospital asking for the results, but they couldn't find the exam, so more than a month has past until he was called to make a second colonoscopy.
Now the results arrived and he went to the hospital yesterday.
He stayed there as they say they are going to make now a biopsy. But the true is that beside some polyps, he has cancer.
Doctor said to my aunt that it's probably too late for treatment so family, my mother (his sister), me, must be warned that he hasn't much time left.
My mother told me some hours ago.
My uncle is one of the most funny, bright person I ever meet and a compassionate and loving human being.
I'm glad you at USA can do a colonoscopy as a routine procedure at the age of 50.
Men out there... Do it!
Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
Yours,
Isabel
I adore you Michael, but I cannot read something with this title... no no no :wave:
Dear Mike,
Only you could make this an interesting story! Hope everything comes out alright in the end, lol. Am sure that it will. Good thoughts going your way.
~ Peace ~
I accidently came onto some news, instead of an exam they can look at a poo sample see my blog:
http://www.xanga.com/PPhilip/573965000/more-weird-posts-shows-i-want-to-give-a-----.html
However if I prove to be a candidate there is more motivation for me to submit to the exam that you just went thru....
Biology is so... dirty. I avoid doctors. Haven't been to one in more than 15 years and that was for a physical for a job. If I get cancer, I don't want to know about it. I certainly don't want to be "treated" for it. Just dope me up on some painkillers and I'll fade out quietly. This is the first post of yours that I didn't care too much for. But I always have to be the iconoclast.
RYC: I wish I reviewed for a publication - we'll see how that goes! I love my camera - got it about a year ago - canon rebel XT digital. I had the same camera for film for a few years - but it was stolen. (I've had two excellent cameras stolen - not good luck there.) I took over 500 pics on an Alaskan cruise last summer - I still need to go through and sort them out! Yes, I have a lot of time to read. But that's what I seem to do now. Two years ago I read over 100 books. Last year 68. I have to keep a log now so I don't reread stuff. I wander through the bookstore or library and just pick stuff up - I should start taking my log to the store!!! (I'd save a lot of time that way!)
Last time I was at my parents house, the '8 x 10 glossy' was on the table in the hall. I'm sure it's been put away since then! Good to know that everything is well!
I have had this procedure.I think what ever it causes in discomfort pales compared to what it might cost not to do it.Kudos to you for getting it done and let us hope you get a clean bill f health.
If you have to take that stuff again, mix it with gatorade...it helps mask the taste and the electrolytes will keep you from getting dehydrated.
Good for you . Some days you gotta do what you gotta do. My mother had these done every year and she would go guess whats coming up next week? We all knew what she was talking about and just laughed and drove her there and waited. She asked us all later did it all come out ok? Am I still alive? We would have to answer her and say mom yep your still kicking until next year. She would giggle cause she hated it but did her duty and did it. A friend of mine did hers three weeks ago. She wanted me to stay with her all day and into the night. She said it was no fun and tasted like icky goo she wa dinking and would down a glass of cranberry juice or sprite down after drinking it.
Chocoholics unite for the chocolate fest. I am very much like you and cant keep my hands off anything chocolate. I make it sometimes and almost eat it all except for the fact that the kids help me. They are worse than me.
Have a great one.
You dont have to apologize to me for being late in commenting me. I understand and comment two sites and the list is large on both sites and takes me weeks to get to everyone. I have to do first come first served and slowly work down my lists little by little.
:wave:
RYC: Yeah, I figured that one out!
Now we're all on the same page. Great...:goodjob:
BTW: Thanks for the compliments. Greatly appreciated. :love:
I did not enjoy todays entry did not even find it funny. You can do better than this Michel. Judi
Oddly, this is the second blog I have read today about the dreaded, but necessary colonoscopy...
Glad you made it home okay, hope everything comes back negative... it is pretty common to have polyps.
Hugs, Tricia :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:
Ah, the memories! LOL I had to drink a gallon of some similarly nasty stuff starting at 5 pm the night before. My doctor said I was the only person who asked for this before age 50, but with colon cancer in my family (and twice fatal because they didn't catch it early) I wanted to be sure. I also had polyps and they were totally benign.
I am all for an anal invasion, and I'm glad you got yours done.
I'm glad you had it done. As they probably told you, that cancer is very slow growing and can be found early, which makes treatment more successful. My mom died from colon cancer, so my doctor recommended that I get a colonoscopy every 3 to five years. I've gotten so that I don't even dread them anymore. But the doctor should have given you some written evaluation to take home, since he can be pretty certain that you won't remember anything he said.
Sexy.
Hey, Mike! I like how you share your life...your sorrows, your joys...and please know that your words are important! I think words are life-saving more often than we realize!
HUGS!!!
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