May 12, 2005

• 

  
  

  Introduction:
  I'm going to "break the fourth wall" for a moment, and mention a couple of "questioning" comments I received on yesterday's entry, my third "Cathy Poems" post. In the introduction, I stated: "Come with me now back to those heady days of youth, when love was still an important word in my vocabulary." I received a comment in response, "I just wonder why you implicate that love is no longer an important word in your vocabulary."  Also, one comment read: "(I) wait to hear the outcome of your minstral singing to the divine lady."  The "Cathy Poems" were written in 1978 when I was 25 and Cathy and I had a very weird "relationship". We both worked at the same retail store and saw each other daily. I didn't have a car at the time and she drove me home from work when we got off at the same time. She was involved with "the boyfriend" at the time, and although Cathy and I "made out" many times (in her parked car, in front of my apartment), we never got together for a real "date" and never made love. I handwrote all my poems for her in one of those little journal books they had back before the internet, and presented them to her when I finally knew it "was over". I have gotten in touch with many of my ex girlfriends on the internet but could never find Cathy's whereabouts.
  As for "love" not being in my vocabulary, it once was the most important word. I have written entries in the past about my "internet lovesearch" from 1999 and 2000, and the results, which are featured in the "Lovesearch Section" of my website.

  
  

  Here are some random poems and essays from the Lovesearch Section, which started out as the website I would direct women who answered my "personal ads" on the internet, of which there were half a dozen or so on different "services". (They were free back then, now you have to "pay" to list on a personals site.Not altogether true, you list for free, but in order to contact anyone you have to pay) My "original Lovesearch page is HERE. The links to personal ads are all broken now (like my heart) First, a couple of poems written in my youth.

  
  

  "Love"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  1970 (16 years old)

  
  

  The heart pulses stronger each moment.
  The chest skin pulls tauter and taut.
  The thoughts of euphoria ferment
  With the time that's eternally caught.

  
  

  A winding cord leads to the intellect.
  It tells you you're falling apart.
  Your heart pulse grows thick in the neck
  With unsteadiness difficult to chart.

  
  

  Your mind is clouded with the wonder
  That your thoughts cannot at all move
  Yet all this cannot tear asunder
  The fact that you're falling in love.

  
  

   

  
  

  "Rushing On By"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  1971 (17 years old)

  
  

  Hey Love, look at me
  Show me where to turn
  Point me to the right direction
  Give me time to learn
  Hey, Love, don't rush on by
  Talk with me awhile
  Tell me the secrets of admiration
  Show me who likes my smile
  Hey Love, there you go
  Passing me by once more
  Leaving me again to lonliness
  Closing tight your door.

  
  

  (The next section is the "Third introduction" to the Lovesearch Section, when I was still "searching". My "search" resulted in two failed short "relationships", one in 1999 and another immediately following in 2000. Details can be found on the "Lovesearch section" of AllThingsMike.) 
  

  
  

  February 2002
  Another year passes. The search intensifies. Could you be that special someone? That someone special I crave. The other half to my whole? Chances are, you could be. Or at least you could be a friend for life. This is my ongoing lovesearch. I proclaimed I would find my soul's complement online. I've tried. I've failed. I get up and try again!!

  
  

  Hello,
  After years of procrastination,
  Years of spending "my time" alone,
  Years of hoping for true love to drop in my lap, and after years of feeling lonely and badly because it hasn't.
  I am ready to take the next step.
  I know you are "out there".

  
  

  The Lovesearch Merry Go Round
  LoveSearch(1999)(2000)2001 Ready Again and Again At (46)(47)Forty-eight

  
  

  
  You have been waiting for me to make myself available, and I haven't been responding to your needs. If you don't know I exist, then we can never get together, and with the Millennium fast approaching, I feel the need as strong as you do.
  You are dissatisfied with the present. You have wants, needs , and experiences which you yearn to share. I am the same way, and I ache with the knowledge that we have been wasting our time without each other.
  I put up this "electronic presence" in order to give you an "electronic picture" of me. I am happy with my existence, as you might be as well, but I need you, and I know you need me. We are separate halves to a whole which hasn't yet manifested itself. It will when we meet.
  When we touch each other's souls.
  When we look into each other's eyes and feel the passion of the ages.
  When we kiss the kiss that does not stop.
  Give me the chance of chances.
  Let me know of your existence.
  You might be my soulmate, alike in age and demeanor. You might be older, or younger. You might live near or far, but hopefully near enough to the Los Angeles area that we might meet in person when we know we have connected.
  I am a failed poet without a muse,
  A spark of creativity burning out.
  I see the faces, and visit the places,
  Retracing the steps I have taken without.
  And when you and I meet, and I gaze deep in your eyes,
  Then the heavens will open, and existence shall shout!

  
  

  (Now here are two "essays" which are featured on the "Lovesearch Section". (complete with more poems about the subject written long ago.....))

  
  

  
  "The Other Half to My Whole"
  An essay by Michael F. Nyiri
  June 4, 1999 6:30 p.m. pdt

  
  

  
  I have been searching for a while, maybe just letting time pass unawares, because in my personal philosophy age has never really mattered.
  Until now.
  When I left Pat, I felt that a relationship based on my undying attraction and devotion to a flighty, unsure, maladjusted waif was surely fated to end. I felt free. Now when I have conversations with her, I profess that I really never lost my love. She professes that she realizes she made a big mistake with me.
  When I moved out of her bed, and into the garage of the beautiful house we lived in, I knew I would leave eventually. The "space" she felt she craved was really another relationship. I was crushed, but still happy that it would end. My friends told me when I began the relationship that I was making a mistake.
  I knew it ten minutes after I made it.
  But I wanted to make it work.

  
  

  
  The end was May 1995. Four years ago. I wanted to exercise my new found "freedom" and get away from what I believed was the bad taste of a relationship. I thought I couldn't find that other half. I felt happy with my "toys", my bigscreen television, my computer, my Betty Boop collectibles, my books and magazines. I knew I wasn't being creative, merely a watcher, an observer.
  Then after my forty-sixth birthday, I felt older, and none the wiser.
  Time played one of her dirty tricks again, and for a while I felt as if my other half would never appear. Of course I hadn't been looking. Was the World Wide Web going to be of any help in this matter? When first connecting to the web, and answering personals, I "talked" to a few souls around the country, I am serendipitous, and believe that destiny is a page which I haven't turned yet, so each "connection" was seen by me to be the right one.
  Of course none of those "connections" panned out in the least, so now I feel I will "re-invent" myself electronically, and try to mesh with my other self, wherever you may be.

  
  

  I at least feel a vigorous renaissance of feeling concerning the eventual outcome. If you have happened upon this link, I expect I will expand these thoughts much like everything else on this web page.

  
  

  A thought concerning electronic soulconnections.
  I haven't let a lot of people know of this electronic existence, and some of those who know do not have access to the web as yet.
  As we get older, some of my friends and aquaintances seem to be afraid of "the computer." I know that the Millennium which is just around the corner will be filled with a preponderance of computing power which will connect us in new and exciting ways, so I have been embracing the technology. The internet is merely a phone line with pictures and text, or more succinctly art and literature.

  
  

  Eventually video and virtual reality. Television studios in our minds.

  
  

  A poem I wrote in 1974:

  
  

  
  "After the Last Love Songs"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  Jan 4, 1974 9:45 a.m. pst

  
  

  
  Yes, some can turn to everybody else,
  pretending they're extremely extroverted
  masking all their hopes in return for a date,
  But as I gaze upon all the young girls
  with their inward smiles and locked-up diaries,
  I find I'm looking for an open book-
  Not a page on Saturday night,
  But a novel to peruse with my existence
  I will find her someday
  But until that time I'll keep trying,
  Wistfully writing my last love songs to her
  And hoping someday she'll pick one up
  and read

  
  

  I still feel the same way, and it's twenty-five years later.Each one is connected to the other in the Universal scheme of things, and you are out there, I know in my heart.
  Please "pick me up and read me"
  And complete my empty soul.

  
  

  Thanks for listening.
  Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool

  
  

   

  
  

  "The Concept of Love"
  And essay by Michael F. Nyiri
  1999

  
  

  If you happened upon this link, sweetheart, then you will hear of my concept of love.
  I know, like everyone, that love is all encompassing, yet arrives for so few.
  We seem to settle for the "next best thing"
  To go our way in the world without really experiencing
  the total , all encompassing love.
  Books are written about it.
  The poets, myself included, have been writing about it
  for centuries.
  Yet is exists for so few of us.
  Well, maybe now for me.
  And for you.
  I feel that love hurts, really bad, when it isn't returned.
  But was that love?
  I feel that love is playful, and friendly, and warm to hold.
  I also feel that love is elusive.
  She has eluded me for some time.
  Are you love, as you read this?
  Do you read me?
  Love with you would be perfect, unlike anything you nor I have known. If you are my other half, then love with you is the love of the ages, an unspoken, lust filled, fiery eyed kind of love that is also kind and tender at the same time.
  True love is the kiss that never ends.
  I begins as a regular kiss, but so tender you don't even know you're touching lips. Then it begins to carry like a slow electric spark through your body, and while you cannot separate, it moves you and removes you, it permeates your very essence, and two become one.
  The mirror test of true love.
  I have never felt that kind of love.
  I am hoping I find it on the internet.
  And if you feel like I do, then I hope I find it with you.

  
  

  Michael F. Nyiri
  "lover's little stranger"

  
  

  
  "Song About A Man I Know"
  Poetry by Michael F. Nyiri
  1971 (18 years old)

  
  

  
  Lovers little stranger
  Sitting by the roadside
  Hoping all his dreams come true.
  Making up his fantasies
  Wallowing in worries
  Not much more can turn him blue.

  
  

  Lover's little stranger waits
  He knows he's just a little late
  He tries so hard to understand his fate.

  
  

  Lover's little stranger
  Sitting by the roadside
  Flashing back his life of old.
  Making ups his fantasies
  Wallowing in worries
  Not much more can make him bold.

  
  

  Tried but true's too good for him
  His heart is strong but not his whim
  He spends his time alone all feeling grim.

  
  

  Lover's little stranger
  Standing up so rightly
  Trying hard to make a start.
  Throwing away fantasies
  Still he stands with worries
  Not much more stands in his heart.

  
  

  Lover's little stranger cries
  He waits a while then dabs his eyes
  He lives with all his hows and whys.

  
  

  Lover's little stranger
  Sitting by the roadside
  Waiting for good luck to break.
  Making up his fantasies
  Wallowing in worries
  Not much more can stranger take.
  

  
  

  (Well, that's the "bait" for my lovesearch, which lasted almost three years. I'm broke these days (somewhat as a result of flying all over the country using credit cards during the lovesearch) and don't have the money to pursue an elaborate "search", but I'm still in the same place, still believe in the power of love, and am still a blushing romantic. I've been celibate for the past five years, not entirely by "choice" but because of circumstance. I don't take love, or sex lightly, and I'm probably fated to end my days alone. Most of my readers here on Xanga are married or in relationships, so I don't make too much of the fact I'm single, virile, and alone most of the time. I still believe very much in the power of Kismet, or Fate, or Serendipity, and feel that "somewhere, out there" I shall sometime find "the other half to my whole". It probably won't be in this lifetime, and I'm satisfied for the life I lead, and if I can't admire a flower or a beautiful blue sky with a partner, then so be it. The flowers and the beautiful blue skies still exist, and I share them with my nonexistant soulmate, where ever she may be in the cosmos.

  • 8:41 am
  • 12 Comments